Rip my first draft to shreds! Forum

[Anonymous User]

Thanks everyone!

[CanadianWolf]

Paragraph 5, third sentence ends with a preposition. Otherwise, this is an outstanding piece of writing. Professional quality throughout.

P.S. Curious as to where & how you learned to write so well. Plus, if this is your first draft, then you are gifted.

[amacdon123]

I think this is a great start, and you're clearly a great writer! I do think that the essay needs to be more about you. Right now it's a long story, and then at the end you kind of tack on what you learned from it. I would try to whittle the domestic violence/illness parts down to a paragraph, and follow with exampled of how later in life you have used what you learned to better yourself. Just my opinion though, definitely have others look at it!

And I wouldn't say that you "hope" to go to law school--say that you *will* go to law school. You don't want schools to think you're not sold on the idea

[Legendary]

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[Legendary]

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[thsmthcrmnl]

Something to think about for your next draft: writing should be information dense. Don't have more or bigger words than you need. Just about everything struck out is implied by other words.

I was six years old when I first witnessed saw my father hit my mother. Replaying the vivid memory, I still hear her piercing scream cut through the dead air. My legs trembled with fear as I watched nervously, our house strewn with shattered glass and broken furniture. “Stop!” I yelled, at the monster my father had become. Seemingly deaf to my request, while he continued scolding my sobbing mother.

That moment seemed to reinforced a feeling I had felt for a long time: that I was differentfrom those around me. Growing up, I found it difficult to relate to peers, even and friends, thinking that no one else shared my experiences. As an only child, these feelings merely grew stronger, andI wished that I had a sibling. Fearing the judgment and even worse, the pity, of others, I kept to myself and never divulged details about what I braved in my private life.

As a result, So I lived a double life throughout my childhood, suppressing my true emotions feelings. To others, I was the paradigm of a jovial, joyful child. who I always wore a smile. However But, beneath this façade, I felt incredibly unhappy dejected, helpless, and lonely. I wondered why I had to experience this and asked myself, “Why me?” I grew jealous of my peers, seeing them with their happy families.

[Legendary]

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[CanadianWolf]

I disagree with almost all of the above edits. The original version is better in my opinion.

One of the above edits help: DELETE: "seemed to" add the "d" & add the word "had" = all in the same sentence (as suggested above).

In my opinion, the other suggested edits will diminish the quality of your original writing. Of course, opinions can & will differ.