Diversity Statement style question Forum

[Anonymous User]

My diversity statement is written in the third person and, while I think the style is more appealing, I am not sure if it might be too much. In addition if anyone would like to critique the piece in its entirety that would be amazing, but the most important thing is whether or not this is alright. Thank you in advance!!!


Having come home from school a young boy and his two siblings sat down on the living room couch at the request of their parents. Not understanding the reason, the three children sat quietly and waited for an explanation. “We wanted to let you know that things just aren’t working out between us anymore,” said their mother, “and we’re getting a divorce,” completed the father. “It’s not any of your faults. We just can’t seem to get along anymore,” they said. The shock to the three children was palpable. Mom and dad had never fought before. How could this possibly be? Is that why dad was sleeping downstairs these days? Was there someone else?
Soon after the children learned that there was, in fact, another party involved. Her name was Aristocrat and it soon became apparent that the relationship between this new woman and the father had not only gone on for a while, but would continue to do so for even longer still. The father soon moved in with his parents, where the affair continued as his kids grew older. For 9 years the father grew closer to his new love as he alienated himself from wife, friends, and children.
In that time he has lost his family, home, ability to walk, and at times his will to live. Meanwhile the children, once ignorant and innocent, now grew up with the help of one another. Their mother with whom they lived could never hold down a job but somehow was also seldom home. Eventually they moved in with other family, the oldest at one aunts and the others another.
The oldest child, Jefferey Phillips, graduates from Alabama in May. The youngest will graduate high school and the middle child is in his sophomore year of college. Jeff hopes to afford an apartment for the summers where the siblings can live together when they are all back home.

[cbbinnyc]

Writing this as a third-person narrative is a bad idea. It obscures your meaning, distances the reader, and it seems like you are trying too hard. Just get to the point: what makes you diverse and how does it give you a unique perspective?

ETA: I wasn't totally explicit about your main question - definitely use first person.

[lymenheimer]

I wouldn't use this as a diversity statement. If a school asks for a statement of personal hardship or disadvantage, I might submit this if it affected you that much, but I wouldn't think you would get much admissions boost from divorced parents. Diversity statements are usually best for minorities and individuals who offer diverse experiences rather than a large portion of individuals who have divorced parents.

[mist4bison]

First, you should edit your name out of this...

Second, I don't think this should be used as a DS. Divorce is hard, but I don't necessarily think it constitutes diversity, which is what DS's are about. If that divorce sent your single mother, your siblings, and yourself into abject poverty for years, then maybe you could use it. Divorce is extremely common and I don't think it's worthy of a DS.

[CanadianWolf]

Well written, creative approach (clever way to get readers to remember your name & school). Whether or not this is correct form is for you to decide as there are no set rules. FWIW, I enjoyed reading your DS.

[Anonymous User]

Thanks for the responses! I did edit my name and school out, I suppose I should have filled in "John Doe" instead of making up a new name and "Blue Mountain State" as a school but I thought it got the point across a little better with a real sounding name.

I'm sad to hear that this wont work but I understand. Maybe it wasn't clear enough in the statement but it is not meant to be about divorce but instead my fathers alcoholism. I suppose I should have realized that someone who is years out of college would not necessarily automatically relate "Aristocrat" with vodka, but the idea was to personify the alcohol and frame it as "the other woman".

Thank you for your advice and I'll try rewriting it (or not including one). I would appreciate if anyone who may have thought it was focused on divorce could give some feedback on why it was confusing and how I could center it on the alcoholism. Was it that using divorce as a device to introduce alcoholism threw you off or that Aristocrat wasn't clear or something else?

Thank you for all the help!!!

[lymenheimer]

Thank you for your advice and I'll try rewriting it (or not including one). I would appreciate if anyone who may have thought it was focused on divorce could give some feedback on why it was confusing and how I could center it on the alcoholism. Was it that using divorce as a device to introduce alcoholism threw you off or that Aristocrat wasn't clear or something else?

It seemed like divorce(adultery) was central because you use the personification in such a strong way. I would get maybe using the personification once, and then continuing with the description of alcoholism, but it reads as if the central theme of divorce continues since you don't truly discuss effects of the alcoholism. Also, the only part that seems to truly affect you (since this should be a statement about you) is the divorce, which resulted from whatever contributing factors. The point of the matter is that this isn't a creative writing contest and this isn't a strong diversity statement. I do think that it is very creative and a very good way of individualizing yourself as an interesting character with your writing style, so don't get me wrong.

I'm still of the opinion that diversity statements are for individuals who are minorities (low representation in the school/field) or for those who have genuine diverse backgrounds. I'm still thinking that this would be served better as a statement of disadvantage/personal hardship (which some schools don't specify), but it isn't about you at all. It is about how your parents divorced because your dad became an alcoholic. Your dad moved in with his parents. Your dad lost his family. "Oh and by the way I grew up in this home." If you intend on using it for a statement in your application, it needs to have more discussion on how it affected you outside of the divorce, and it needs to be in first person because it is not clear which character you are in this story.

[3pianists]

If/when you rewrite, do be careful with commas and stilted phrasing. For example, "Having come home from school..." is a pretty weak beginning to a pretty awkward sentence.