Need help on personal statement! Forum

[mmarsall54]

Just a first draft that I put together. The length is exactly what is asked on their website but could use some help with format and if the topic is worth it. Also just enlisted in the Texas National Guard as an 11B(Infantry) so looking to add that in somewhere. Thanks guys!!



"For the second time today, I'm covered in someone else's blood and people are screaming at me while I am being pushed around. These things tend to happen in my line of work. Working as security in a large nightclub leads to these situations where my ability to think quickly comes in handy. Not 5 hours before this incident I was playing football against some of the best athletes in junior college trying to impress the Division I scouts in the stands. The incident at the nightclub occurred when I saw a fight occur between two patrons and one struck the other in the head with a glass. The attacker was a squat man with dark hair, a tight affliction shirt, and a bit of stubble for a beard; the type you expect to start a fight. Luckily I saw it fairly quickly and was able to grab the attacker without further injury occurring to the victim. "Get off me! He started it!" said the attacker. Doesn't matter to me I thought to myself. My job is to make sure these type of incidents don't escalate and the patrons remain safe. The attacker is struggling and his friends at the nightclub see me as the enemy now which leads to me being assaulted while trying to deescalate the situation. I feel my body start to tire, as I was in a football game earlier, but am able to get the attacker and his friends outside the nightclub with the police arriving at the perfect moment. After they are gone I run back inside to my post to make sure another incident like that doesn't occur. These long days of playing football and then working in a nightclub after were common for me because I supported myself in college, and had rent and other bills that needed to be paid.
The days I spent playing collegiate football while also working nights in a nightclub led me to understand the need to become organized and prioritize my life, while having a good work ethic. These long days would then lead to nights and early mornings spent studying in order to maintain my high GPA. But this wasn't always the case for me. When I first went to junior college, I had not had the interest to perform well in classes and just coasted along. Then my love for football came back to me and I saw a way to improve my life. I moved away from my mother and the poor economic situation that I was living in and started anew. For me to become a better individual and pursue my goals, I needed to get away from that trailer park in California I grew up in as a child and with my loving struggling-to-get-by single mother. I always had dreams to see as much of the world as possible so I could become a positive influence on it, and this was the first step in that direction.
After moving away from home to restart my college football career, I realized two things were needed in order for me to succeed. One was to never give up on my dream, and the other was to have the best work ethic of those around me. Immediately my GPA rose and I was able to support myself by working as many hours as possible. It made me understand how much effort I needed to put in to succeed and also how much I wanted to improve myself. The desire to become the best was infatuating and led to success for me both on the football field and in the classroom. After my last year of football I saw how well I did in the classroom and chose to become a better student than pursue my football career further. Again for the second time in my life I made a major change and decided to enroll at Texas Tech University. I packed up everything I owned in my 1996 Dodge 2500 and drove 22 hours until I arrived in Texas.
In Texas I saw real growth as an individual that made me who I am today. Being far away from all my family and friends allowed me to mature. My interest in U.S. foreign affairs and National Security were ignited. It is here that I became a better student and learned ways to become more involved. I was became Texas Tech's sole representative to the 54th Naval Academy Foreign Affair Conference in Annapolis to talk about terrorist financing in the world today. As a football player I was taught to have a strong attention to detail in order to succeed. John Foster Dulles said something similar "A man's accomplishments in life are the cumulative effect of his attention to detail.". At George Washington University I fell that my strong attention to detail will help me in becoming a strong national security law student who can lead. Being in the center of the nation's capitol would allow me to be absorbed into the culture of the government and legal connection. George Washington University is the one school I have felt such a desire to attend because of the location and the experience in national security law that the professors have."

[IAmLawSchool]

If I wanted to apply to GWU, could I add how fascinating it would be to raise my future children in the nations capital (Being able to show historical sites/monuments.) Especially being born in Romania. Thank you.

[cbbinnyc]

Some comments, in no particular order:

I would write a separate "Why GW" essay rather than trying to tag it on to the end of your PS.

This statement gets off to a great start. There are some minor things I might change about the story, but it catches the reader's attention; I doubt ad comms will see many essays about being a bouncer. But then the essay takes a turn and the relevance of the bouncer story becomes hazy. You write that bouncing and playing football led you to understand the need to become organized and prioritize your life, while having a good work ethic, but it's unclear why they led you to this understanding. I like the detail with which you recount the bouncer story, but the rest of the essay doesn't justify using the story, let alone telling the story in such detail.

If there's a way you can make being a bouncer the focus of the entire essay, that would be interesting. But, whatever you write about, you definitely need to find more of a focus here. Right now this reads like a general bio (with the exception of the first paragraph). Pick one thing and write about that, whether it's being a bouncer, your decision to go to Texas Tech, your football experience (though essays about sports have many pitfalls), your experience as the representative at the 54th Naval Academy Foreign Affair Conference in Annapolis, etc etc. You talk a lot about maturing, realizing the importance of attention to detail, work ethic, etc, but you don't really "show" how your put this into action other than saying your grades improved (which will be clear on your transcript anyway) and that you worked a lot (which should be clear on your resume).

Also, don't use quotes ... bad idea, for the most part.

ETA: Sorry, took out the quoting.

[mmarsall54]

Some comments, in no particular order:

I would write a separate "Why GW" essay rather than trying to tag it on to the end of your PS.

This statement gets off to a great start. There are some minor things I might change about the story, but it catches the reader's attention; I doubt ad comms will see many essays about being a bouncer. But then the essay takes a turn and the relevance of the bouncer story becomes hazy. You write that bouncing and playing football led you to understand the need to become organized and prioritize your life, while having a good work ethic, but it's unclear why they led you to this understanding. I like the detail with which you recount the bouncer story, but the rest of the essay doesn't justify using the story, let alone telling the story in such detail.

If there's a way you can make being a bouncer the focus of the entire essay, that would be interesting. But, whatever you write about, you definitely need to find more of a focus here. Right now this reads like a general bio (with the exception of the first paragraph). Pick one thing and write about that, whether it's being a bouncer, your decision to go to Texas Tech, your football experience (though essays about sports have many pitfalls), your experience as the representative at the 54th Naval Academy Foreign Affair Conference in Annapolis, etc etc. You talk a lot about maturing, realizing the importance of attention to detail, work ethic, etc, but you don't really "show" how your put this into action other than saying your grades improved (which will be clear on your transcript anyway) and that you worked a lot (which should be clear on your resume).

Also, don't use quotes ... bad idea, for the most part.

ETA: Sorry, took out the quoting.

Thanks cbbinnyc! I've been so hung up on what exactly to write about that I think toward the end I just started regurgitating anything lol

[Gemaendt]

Few things i want to add which you should include in your personal statement.
Paragraphs - Personal statement should be written in paragraphs.
You should make proper balance between curricular and extra-curricular activities.
You should show evidence that you researched about what you are going to choose.

[mintme]

Post removed.

[mmarsall54]

Few things i want to add which you should include in your personal statement.
Paragraphs - Personal statement should be written in paragraphs.
You should make proper balance between curricular and extra-curricular activities.
You should show evidence that you researched about what you are going to choose.

When OP copied and pasted the personal statement to post it on TLS, it took out the indentation/paragraphs...not OP's fault. I'm sure OP is well aware that essays should be in paragraph form.

Thank you, mintme. It is in paragraph form on my computer, but the forum doesn't put it in that form.

[CanadianWolf]

Two suggestions after a very quick read:

1) Delete the quote

2) Apply to Syracuse for a joint degree program


Also, based on your interests, consider William & Mary. Several profs throughout this college/university have DC area national security connections.

[mmarsall54]

Two suggestions after a very quick read:

1) Delete the quote

2) Apply to Syracuse for a joint degree program


Also, based on your interests, consider William & Mary. Several profs throughout this college/university have DC area national security connections.

Weird that you mention those schools and programs. I have applied to both already.