Still a pretty rough draft - help please Forum

[Anonymous User]

Thanks everyone!
Working on the next draft!
Will post soon.

[cbbinnyc]

I read your first draft (didn't comment because there was already plenty of feedback), but this is a lot better.

I found this story engrossing, I was with you to the end.

Some stray observations:

I'm not a fan of bookending the essay with "I am a proud, positive, independent woman." I understand the appeal, but it's on the nose. You demonstrate it through your story, there's no need to say it. I think you should get rid of the entire opening paragraph and launch right into the story. The opening doesn't really say anything. "I am lucky enough, however, to have my experiences shape me in a way that contributed to my personal development." Well, obviously ... experiences inherently contribute to personal development in some way or other.

Again, I found the story engaging, but I think you spend too much time talking about how you were persecuted by your father and not enough time talking about how you stood up to him. As a reader, I was interested in knowing more about that turning point where you asserted yourself and then had to deal with paying your own way through school. It's the strongest part of your story because it shows that you took initiative and stood up for yourself - it shows that you value education and have a strong work ethic. The fact that you decided to stay to help the rest of your family also demonstrates strength of character and values. Explore that part of the story with more specificity, and take out some of the material in the first half about your father being overprotective and misogynistic. It's not that it's uninteresting, but it starts to become focused on your father rather than on you. Think of it like a movie. In most movies, something happens to the protagonist that challenges the status quo, and the story is "how does the protagonist deal with that challenge and grow as a person?" The first half of your essay, as it is, is about establishing your father as the obstacle. It's just exposition, the first 10 minutes of the movie. Get through that more quickly, and get to the meat of the story: how you deal with having your father's support cut off.

I would write a separate "Why X Law School" where you can state explicitly "I'm interest in X law" and "I want to go to your school because ..."

[CanadianWolf]

By my reading, this is a statement declaring your growth & independence rather than an analytical or reflective insight into your development. Your writing lacks credibility because you portray your father as a one dimensional character which suggests that you are unwilling to appreciate other viewpoints & cultures.

[HxAxDxExS]

Take out But, at the begining, and add had where I did.... I am a proud, positive, independent woman. Anyone that knows me could tell you the same. I was not lucky enough to always be this way. I am lucky enough, however, to have had my experiences shape me in a way that contributed to my personal development.

[UsernameNotFound]

Canadian wolf seems to really hate your topic haha.
But I actually think it's a good one. My critique though would be that you need less about your dad and more about you.

[Anonymous User]

Canadian wolf seems to really hate your topic haha.
But I actually think it's a good one. My critique though would be that you need less about your dad and more about you.

Can't please everyone I guess. But every other person I have asked says that this is a perfect topic to talk about. So I'm sticking with the majority on this.
And ya, I agree that I should add more about myself.
Thank you for the feedback.

[Anonymous User]

Take out But, at the begining, and add had where I did.... I am a proud, positive, independent woman. Anyone that knows me could tell you the same. I was not lucky enough to always be this way. I am lucky enough, however, to have had my experiences shape me in a way that contributed to my personal development.

Thanks.

[Anonymous User]

By my reading, this is a statement declaring your growth & independence rather than an analytical or reflective insight into your development. Your writing lacks credibility because you portray your father as a one dimensional character which suggests that you are unwilling to appreciate other viewpoints & cultures.

"We do not have a checklist of attributes; we would like for you to tell us what you believe is different and most important for us to know. For example, did a significant life experience, intellectual interest, extracurricular activity, or particular person prompt you to do something that changed or enriched your life? Have you met and overcome a significant obstacle or challenge? Have you taken action in response to political, philosophical, or personal concerns? If you served in the military, how did that experience affect you? Are there atypical paths that you have taken in terms of your education, work life or family life? Have your sexual identity, a disability, discrimination, or socioeconomic factors impacted you? This is your moment to provide information that will help us know you personally.”
That was taken straight from the personal statement prompt from UCI. And I believe I am correctly responding to the prompt. However, I do agree with others that I need to put some more about me and I will.
Also, I would just like to point out that not once did I mention where my father was from. For this reason. I do not blame the culture. Not everyone in the culture is the same way. And I know this.
But I do appreciate your feedback. I really do. So thank you.

[Anonymous User]

I read your first draft (didn't comment because there was already plenty of feedback), but this is a lot better.

I found this story engrossing, I was with you to the end.

Some stray observations:

I'm not a fan of bookending the essay with "I am a proud, positive, independent woman." I understand the appeal, but it's on the nose. You demonstrate it through your story, there's no need to say it. I think you should get rid of the entire opening paragraph and launch right into the story. The opening doesn't really say anything. "I am lucky enough, however, to have my experiences shape me in a way that contributed to my personal development." Well, obviously ... experiences inherently contribute to personal development in some way or other.

Again, I found the story engaging, but I think you spend too much time talking about how you were persecuted by your father and not enough time talking about how you stood up to him. As a reader, I was interested in knowing more about that turning point where you asserted yourself and then had to deal with paying your own way through school. It's the strongest part of your story because it shows that you took initiative and stood up for yourself - it shows that you value education and have a strong work ethic. The fact that you decided to stay to help the rest of your family also demonstrates strength of character and values. Explore that part of the story with more specificity, and take out some of the material in the first half about your father being overprotective and misogynistic. It's not that it's uninteresting, but it starts to become focused on your father rather than on you. Think of it like a movie. In most movies, something happens to the protagonist that challenges the status quo, and the story is "how does the protagonist deal with that challenge and grow as a person?" The first half of your essay, as it is, is about establishing your father as the obstacle. It's just exposition, the first 10 minutes of the movie. Get through that more quickly, and get to the meat of the story: how you deal with having your father's support cut off.

I would write a separate "Why X Law School" where you can state explicitly "I'm interest in X law" and "I want to go to your school because ..."

This is exactly the type of feedback I was hoping for! Thank you so much! And I agree with you 100%. I'm working on another draft keeping all of your feedback to mind. I really hope that you will critique that one as well.

As for the beginning and ending line, I really liked it but I know it feels kind of cheesy so I probably should take it out.

[CanadianWolf]

I have no problem with the topic. My concern is how the topic is presented. This PS lacks depth & meaningful insights. Simply writing that my father did this & my father did that, and I did this & I did that shares little about the emotional & intellectual development of the author.

[cheesy145]

I have to disagree with Canadian Wolf. Although I don't know your family it seems to me your father is portrayed as one dimensional because that's how he is (I don't mean that in a mean way it just sounds like you've described his personality very well). I do agree that the first and last sentence of your PS come off clique. I know what you're trying to say I just think theres a better way of saying it. Maybe something about how you're proud of your independence but it hasn't always been that way and you've had to fight to embrace it.