Another Draft Forum

[Rinihu]

Off to make more corrections! Thanks everyone. I'll be back.

[Scalvert]

I think you might delete the first sentence and begin the essay with the second. Instead of " finding the one" you wanted to pursue, you might say "deciding on which one."

Second sentence, second paragraph: As a fellow survivor, I spoke with and offered support to other women who have experienced domestic violence.


This section has a few problems. You can clean it up by making your sentences more concise:
I was able to share these resources recently with a young mother who wanted to leave her abusive relationship. She was unsure If she could make it on her own and keep herself and her infant son safe. I shared with her my experience of getting out safely and reassured her that she would be physically protected by the legal system. I informed her of the availability of shelters and support groups that could help her emotionally.

You also might say "By giving her numbers...." Instead of "Giving her numbers.."

This is getting closer. I like it better than the first draft!

[cbbinnyc]

Hey there. Just finished writing my personal statement after a lot of turmoil. My two cents ...

I think the first paragraph is unnecessary. I see that you're using the early interest in astronomy as a way to tie the essay together and as a parallel to your interest in law, but I personally find it weak. I don't purport to be an expert, but based on advice I have received, your best bet is probably to get straight to the point: you are interested in defending people without a voice, you've actively explored your interest and have a personal stake in it as a surviver of domestic abuse. The astronomy, trying to find an interest in college, your interest in mysteries of the universe ... it comes off a bit banal and beside the point, especially given that you have profound, unique experiences to talk about. I think you should lead with and expand your discussion of your membership in the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the Michigan Coalition to End Domestic & Sexual Violence, particularly the story about the young mother you helped. Don't be tied to chronological order, lead with your strongest stuff. It shows that you have actually put your principles into practice and is the most powerful part of your essay and definitely an experience that the admissions committee will be interested in. Anyway, sorry if I'm butting it here, just my thoughts. Good luck!

[Rinihu]

I think you might delete the first sentence and begin the essay with the second. Instead of " finding the one" you wanted to pursue, you might say "deciding on which one."

Second sentence, second paragraph: As a fellow survivor, I spoke with and offered support to other women who have experienced domestic violence.


This section has a few problems. You can clean it up by making your sentences more concise:
I was able to share these resources recently with a young mother who wanted to leave her abusive relationship. She was unsure If she could make it on her own and keep herself and her infant son safe. I shared with her my experience of getting out safely and reassured her that she would be physically protected by the legal system. I informed her of the availability of shelters and support groups that could help her emotionally.

You also might say "By giving her numbers...." Instead of "Giving her numbers.."

This is getting closer. I like it better than the first draft!

Thank you so much. I will see what I can do about working on your suggestions.

[Rinihu]

Hey there. Just finished writing my personal statement after a lot of turmoil. My two cents ...

I think the first paragraph is unnecessary. I see that you're using the early interest in astronomy as a way to tie the essay together and as a parallel to your interest in law, but I personally find it weak. I don't purport to be an expert, but based on advice I have received, your best bet is probably to get straight to the point: you are interested in defending people without a voice, you've actively explored your interest and have a personal stake in it as a surviver of domestic abuse. The astronomy, trying to find an interest in college, your interest in mysteries of the universe ... it comes off a bit banal and beside the point, especially given that you have profound, unique experiences to talk about. I think you should lead with and expand your discussion of your membership in the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the Michigan Coalition to End Domestic & Sexual Violence, particularly the story about the young mother you helped. Don't be tied to chronological order, lead with your strongest stuff. It shows that you have actually put your principles into practice and is the most powerful part of your essay and definitely an experience that the admissions committee will be interested in. Anyway, sorry if I'm butting it here, just my thoughts. Good luck!

Your suggestions are much appreciated. Thank you.

[CanadianWolf]

CONSIDER:

My desire to become an attorney was sparked by my life experiences. It would be comforting to state that I am a simple person who has enjoyed a simple life, but that would not be accurate. Like most people, I have many interests in life so finding one that I wanted to pursue in college was difficult. My answer came through life experiences.

I am a survivor of domestic abuse. In sharing my story with other domestic violence victims, I realized that knowledge of human behavior and of law would enable me to help others. Psychology courses in domestic violence, forensic psychology & in criminal law taught me about human behavior and its impact on individuals as well as on society. Joining the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the Michigan Coalition To End Domestic And Sexual Violence equipped me with sufficient resources to guide others in need of urgent assistance. Comforting others by leading them to the emotional safety of support groups and to the physical safety of domestic violence shelters gave me an immediate sense of purpose. Connecting victims to the legal process through the prosecutor's office gave me a long-term sense of purpose.

In addition to refining my analytical reasoning and critical thinking skills, law school offers an opportunity to receive the education and credentials necessary to help others.

[Rinihu]

CONSIDER:

My desire to become an attorney was sparked by my life experiences. It would be comforting to state that I am a simple person who has enjoyed a simple life, but that would not be accurate. Like most people, I have many interests in life so finding one that I wanted to pursue in college was difficult. My answer came through life experiences.

I am a survivor of domestic abuse. In sharing my story with other domestic violence victims, I realized that knowledge of human behavior and of law would enable me to help others. Psychology courses in domestic violence, forensic psychology & in criminal law taught me about human behavior and its impact on individuals as well as on society. Joining the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the Michigan Coalition To End Domestic And Sexual Violence equipped me with sufficient resources to guide others in need of urgent assistance. Comforting others by leading them to the emotional safety of support groups and to the physical safety of domestic violence shelters gave me an immediate sense of purpose. Connecting victims to the legal process through the prosecutor's office gave me a long-term sense of purpose.

In addition to refining my analytical reasoning and critical thinking skills, law school offers an opportunity to receive the education and credentials necessary to help others.

It is safe to say that I should not mention the physics thing. Lol. Thank you for the suggestions CanadianWolf

[CanadianWolf]

This is a framework for you to use. My goal is to clearly state your message as I understand it from your original post in this thread. My version (my interpretation) lacks the warmth of your version, but is written in a more concise manner. Your writing style needs to be more precise (less wordy), in my opinion. Hope this helps.

In answer to your question: If you decide to include the astronomy/physics example, then it should appear in the body of the first paragraph. I liked your use of it because it humanized you in a warm & unpretentious manner--but you need to be precise & efficient in your use of words.
The final paragraph allows room for customization of your PS to refer to a particular law school if you wish to do so.
This is your work. I edit to help convey your message clearly & concisely.

P.S. I would not use the "particular woman" story as it diminishes the impact of your theme even though it portrays you in a very caring & positive light.

[Rinihu]

This is a framework for you to use. My goal is to clearly state your message as I understand it from your original post in this thread. My version (my interpretation) lacks the warmth of your version, but is written in a more concise manner. Your writing style needs to be more precise (less wordy), in my opinion. Hope this helps.

In answer to your question: If you decide to include the astronomy/physics example, then it should appear in the body of the first paragraph. I liked your use of it because it humanized you in a warm & unpretentious manner--but you need to be precise & efficient in your use of words.
The final paragraph allows room for customization of your PS to refer to a particular law school if you wish to do so.
This is your work. I edit to help convey your message clearly & concisely.

P.S. I would not use the "particular woman" story as it diminishes the impact of your theme even though it portrays you in a very caring & positive light.

I understood what you were doing before. My "lol" was just showing that I was being sarcastic. I disagree with you however about leaving out the story. But I do appreciate all of your suggestions.