Very rough draft - please help Forum

[Anonymous User]

Like I said, this is a very rough first draft. There are parts I want to expand on. For example I plan on adding a couple sentences about a specific law school, depending on what school I send it to. I'm mainly looking to see if I am going in the right direction here. Also, I really really don't want it to come off as too much of a sob story because that's not what I am going for at all.
I'm mainly looking to see if I am going in the right direction here.
Thanks for all your help.

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*Deleted* Will post another draft soon. Thanks!

[Scalvert]

I think this is a great story

There are problems with verb tenses and a few other things that could be cleaned up, but I think it could be a very good statement!

[CanadianWolf]

Not good. Too much of an unwarranted sob story. ( I am familiar with Latin American culture.) Hopefully your first draft or two will serve as a cathartic experience enabling you to deal with some emotional scars & release some demons haunting your memory.

Do you really want to be viewed with pity as a victim of your culture ? Try to condense your culturally based challenges into one or two paragraphs & then find some positives to write about.

As written, this type of PS suggests that you may not be ready for law school, in my opinion.

[amacdon123]

I think you have a great story in here, it just needs to be arranged differently. Why don't you try leading with a vivid description of when your father started threatening your life? Then you could back off after the first paragraph, give more of the background info, emphasize why your experiences have encouraged you to pursue law, and conclude with an uplifting statement of your independence and readiness to achieve. One of the major rules of personal statements (from what I've been told) is "show, don't tell." Because of this, I would get rid of the first short paragraph--it should come through in the rest of the statement.

[CanadianWolf]

Although I do not think that this is a good law school PS, it could serve as a diversity statement if you offered some comparative observations & insights.

[Anonymous User]

I think this is a great story

There are problems with verb tenses and a few other things that could be cleaned up, but I think it could be a very good statement!

Ya I know I definitely need to fix that up. But thank you.

[Anonymous User]

I think you have a great story in here, it just needs to be arranged differently. Why don't you try leading with a vivid description of when your father started threatening your life? Then you could back off after the first paragraph, give more of the background info, emphasize why your experiences have encouraged you to pursue law, and conclude with an uplifting statement of your independence and readiness to achieve. One of the major rules of personal statements (from what I've been told) is "show, don't tell." Because of this, I would get rid of the first short paragraph--it should come through in the rest of the statement.

Thank you for the feedback. Much appreciated.
But my problem with that is that I want to start off from a strong point. And I really would rather not make that part a huge deal because like I said, I do not want it to come off as too much of a sob story.
But I'll try changing some stuff around and post another draft.
Thanks again.