Personal Statement Draft - Please Critique Forum

[GiantsFan]

The following is a draft of my personal statement. Please critique as openly as possible (in a helpful way). As usual, please do not use quotes. Thanks for your help!

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[Scalvert]

I feel like some of the consultant job description detail could be taken out. You can talk about being a team leader just fine without it. (I was almost ready to stop reading by the time you got to the point- not trying to be a jerk, I honestly think it would hold a reader's interest much better without the backstory) Taking some of that out will help with length too; it felt long.

[CanadianWolf]

In a word: boring. This draft lacks any substantial insights into you or your work. Actually it's a better essay for MBA school since teamwork is important both during graduate business school & in the real world. Law is primarily about the individual & individual efforts (although some may assert that biglaw requires teamwork). My overall impression from your writing is that you are a conscientious manager.

On the positive side: You write in a clear & logical manner but it's a bit too detailed for the message you want to convey, in my opinion, however.

[GiantsFan]

Thanks! That gives me some ideas. I'll be back!