Personal statement, advice appreciated Forum

[robert10]

deleted

[Scalvert]

I think this could be good with some changes. A lot of what you talk about is speculative: if X hadn't happened, I could have turned out like this; I could have been the one who did Y.

I think you need to put more focus on what actually happened to you. I like the part where you talk about how you didn't work hard at first, but eventually buckled down and improved yourself. Add more info of that nature. I think you can keep some information detailing why you want yo be a PD, but currently it feels like more than half your essay is about the job itself, not you.

[robert10]

I think this could be good with some changes. A lot of what you talk about is speculative: if X hadn't happened, I could have turned out like this; I could have been the one who did Y.

I think you need to put more focus on what actually happened to you. I like the part where you talk about how you didn't work hard at first, but eventually buckled down and improved yourself. Add more info of that nature. I think you can keep some information detailing why you want yo be a PD, but currently it feels like more than half your essay is about the job itself, not you.

Thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to go through my PS again and implement some of those changes.

[lymenheimer]

Make sure when you are doing your final drafting, that you take out the unnecessary fluff. Some PSes are limited to 2 pages, and you can get much more substantive language in after reducing the fluffy bits. I actually just went through 2 page PS, added another page from another essay I wrote (so now a total of 3 pages), and almost have it down to 2 pages. The adcomms will appreciate your brevity. For Example: "I knew that I wanted to help others, but I wanted to help in an area of practice that was lacking support." --> "I knew that I wanted to help others in an area lacking support." I understand the image you are creating with the sentence, but it will allow you greater flexibility elsewhere if you keep it basic. Of course, others can correct me if they see a better way to address this "issue."

[cheesy145]

The last bit summarizing PDs jobs unnecessary and that space could be used to talk about yourself more and how you buckled down

[lymenheimer]

Also...Rewrite your PS. It feels like you have a huge chip on your shoulder. You should not talk negatively about any side of the profession as some members of the adcomm may have practiced it. If you read the Prosecution/PD Gunner Thread, you'd also see many accounts of offices where PDs used to be Prosecutors, which makes your PS look very uninformed. You may want to take your hardship/diversity and turn it into the appropriate essay and write your PS about yourself and your accomplishments/enjoyments rather than your hardships because as written, it feels very combative and high-horsey. You could make it work, but the language needs to be toned down quite a bit.

[CanadianWolf]

Too much excess baggage. These three paragraphs could & should be reduced to one paragraph due to repetition & unnecessary phrases.

The substance of your proposed law school PS could be summarized in one sentence:

I want to become a public defender because I grew up as a poor, disadvantaged minority & I want to help others.

Other than that, there is scant, if any, substance contained in your proposed PS. You need to put more meat on the bone. Share insights learned from actual experiences that have led you to this conclusion rather than speculating as to matters which are not within your knowledge.