Critique Please - deleted Forum

[Anonymous User]

-Thanks

[libertttarian]

It reads like a very rough draft. For instance, your sentence "For me, time was the biggest healer since it happened so long ago that I sometimes forget" just doesn't read well.
You have some non sequiturs in terms of sentences that don't advance your thesis. Your points are kind of disjointed.
Don't talk about "shallow tendencies of your nature." Frame yourself in a positive light. I know you probably see your self-critique as an honest evaluation of yourself, but it serves you better to honestly evaluate your experiences, rather than your negative traits.
Even if you're not comfortable getting in depth about your experience being abused and the difficulties you faced rising above that trauma, reflecting on the motivations you had to help others in a positive way might add value to your essay. But don't attribute it to your "shallowness."

[Anonymous User]

^^^Thanks! I did write it as if I was writing a diary. So I think I wrote it too lightly.
So will adding more details to the experience that I had when I worked with the clients add more value?
My points are disjointed but I don't know how to write it more in a meaningful and beautiful way.
I did not want to talk about "the experience" and just wanted to focus on my "broken" thoughts that kind of haunted me for years.
I am still somewhat bitter so it's kind of hard to write it in a "positive" way, I guess?
All I know is that I want to move on by helping others through law/pro-bono works etc. (which is my main goal of the essay)
I guess my essay will not really grasp those admission people who would want ME as their law student...

[Scalvert]

I think the topic is fine; it is not dull, but it could use a lot of editing. I also agree with the previous poster - don't highlight what you perceive to be negatives. Focus on your own healing and how you helped others. It's not necessary to let people know that in the beginning you felt your motives were less than altruistic. I think you were being too harsh on yourself there; I would imagine many in your situation would have felt the same way.

Make those changes and post a second draft. The other edits can be addressed later.

[Anonymous User]

Posted second draft above! Thanks!!!

[Scalvert]

I think that is an improvement. I will PM you some grammar edits and suggestions a bit later.

[Scalvert]

Posted second draft above! Thanks!!!

I guess you need to PM me first since you're anonymous!