Diversity Statement Final Critique? Forum

[badgerboy17]

Let me know what you guys think, and any changes that should be made. Thanks:

I am a Puerto Rican male studying Biology at The University of Wisconsin. I am also a dual citizen, and have lived in three different states throughout my childhood: California, Michigan, and Wisconsin. Some of these characteristics have contributed to my diverse perspectives; however, none of them, in and of themselves, benefits diversity. In my experience, for diversity to be valuable, it must be dynamic: a process of actively encouraging the exchange of cultures, beliefs, ideas, and experiences between people. I believe I will help diversify your upcoming class of 2019 not just because of these aforementioned traits, but because I have learned to engage others of various backgrounds and to mobilize differences to further the academic and social education of myself, student peers, and anyone else I might encounter in my endeavors.

Before university, throughout my youth and childhood, I attended all private schools in the states I lived in. I was one of the few minorities in these majorly white schools, and while that afforded me the chance to absorb more of regular American society and its customs, these schools also took away from sharing my cultural values on a deeper level. Diversity became more than just a color and catch phrase to me the day I walked into the Biology Department at the University of Wisconsin. I was suddenly no longer in the minority; a Puerto Rican surrounded by shades of brown, black, and white, no longer easily discernible among my other classmates. I no longer felt that I was constrained from sharing my culture and upbringing with anyone else, due to the possibility now of having unique stories and experiences to share with my different classmates.
For the first time in my life, I was able to share my own cultural values, such as favorite pastimes and sports, with other people of various cultures, some of whom came from similar situations like mine. We studied together, discussed, and collaborated on class outlines in order to succeed in rigorous weed-out STEM classes like Organic Chemistry, Calculus, and Microbiology. I also met someone that shared my interest in playing soccer, and found out we even shared the same favorite club team. We joined a recreational league, and he taught me all there is to know about soccer in the Central Americas, like how deeply embedded it is in the roots of their culture. I learned about the various chants people have for their favorite team, and how they stem from each individual team’s roots in their country.

It was through interacting with these students, and many others, inside and outside of the classroom, sharing our personal experiences, that enabled me to grow more culturally, as well as academically and socially. This personal growth I experienced would not have been possible without my active engagement of everyone I met in college. I bring my experiences, coupled along with my other characteristics, in order to continue to engage and benefit the diversity of the student body at XXX Law School.

[Scalvert]

First paragraph feels too explainey and needs some serious paring down. You might consider something like:

I am a University of Wisconsin Biology major of Puerto Rican descent; I have lived in California, Michigan, and Wisconsin. My dual citizenship and travels have contributed to my personal perspective; however, my experiences by themselves do not necessarily benefit diversity. (Then add the second paragraph here)

I don't think all the explanation of diversity and how it benefits a group is necessary. You show that in your conclusion. There are also several other grammar/ punctuation edits needed in the body of the essay. (Feel free to pm me)