Personal Statement Final Critique Forum

[badgerboy17]

Let me know what you guys think of this before I put it in my apps.

For most of my life, I lacked a clear career path, and I compensated by alternating between hosts of different potential career paths, ranging from business, to engineering to medicine. However, while I did not necessarily realize it in 2010, my personal, emotional and intellectual worldview was changed by the events in Madison, Wisconsin in the summer of 2012 before college. On November 2, 2010, a new governor was elected in Wisconsin, the state where my family and I currently live. I was not very involved in politics at the time, nor was I for the first several weeks of his governorship. However, like many others in my community and around the state, I was concerned with a series of legislative acts proposed by our state government, including nearly $2 billion in income and property tax cuts, and substantial reductions in public worker pensions, health insurance and collective bargaining rights. I felt like the living standards and rights of ordinary workers - people in my family, my friends, honest people who have lived in my community for generations - were being threatened by these proposed budget cuts, which piqued my newfound interest in politics due to my own first-hand knowledge of those affected by it.

My interest and involvement in politics did not change all at once. At first, I started to get involved in small ways. I had conversations with my fellow students, I followed the debates and the protests on the news, and I shared my opinions on social media accounts. However, in the Summer of 2012, I was given the opportunity to volunteer as an election surveyor for the statewide recall election of our governor. Finally, I was given the chance to put forth my own hard-work and organizational abilities to the test-the chance to learn and operate within the state government branch to continue to improve the system, and make better for we, the people. I have no doubt that the two months I spent volunteering during the election campaign for governor of Wisconsin, inspired my desire to become a lawyer today. I spent countless hours contacting local constituents to identify their preferred candidate for governor and fighting to gain as many converts as possible. On a daily basis, I engaged in countless conversations with Democrats, Republicans, Independents, and the vast numbers of politically-apathetic. It was a tough, thankless job, but also truly enlivening due to the amount of knowledge I learned about the political process, and working to effect grassroots change, literally person-by-person, ensuring social justice was being fought for. Throughout this opportunity, I grew so much professionally, as well as academically and socially. My communication skills were tested and honed over the course of hundreds of hours speaking on the phone. The ability to persuade a neutral party to accept one’s view is valued in all sectors of life, but especially cherished in the legal profession. I discovered that I not only enjoy debating, but actually thrive on it. To begin a phone conversation with an undecided voter, and then end with a new supporter was truly exhilarating. I imagine there is no greater comparison than the experience of winning a hard-fought court case.

Furthermore, these conversations made me aware of the wider world, and the need to unite to defend the values of people from all backgrounds. I was drawn deeper and deeper into social justice work throughout my college career while volunteering at the Family Court Clinic at the UW Law School, where we operated as a free legal advice clinic to clientele of any background. I assisted various clients, most of whom had no access to a lawyer, or legal aid. I have come to realize the importance of politics and law on individual people, as well as society as whole. I know that I want to be a lawyer who does more than squabble over corporate minutia; I want to use my strong analytical skills, honed by my experience in the political system, to help benefit anyone in the United States, regardless of their background or race, so they have an opportunity to fight for their own rights. While my path to law school is unconventional, I believe that its very uniqueness is the source of my strength and my worthiness as a candidate.

[debdeb2]

overall the essay is a bit abstract - I'd recommend an image or a story to ground the reader. It's a sober essay, professional, and certainly wouldn't hurt you this cycle. It just runs a bit dry. For example: learning to have difficult conversations with voters is a rich topic, where you'd be able to tell a story about how you learned to be persuasive in person. Learning to be interpersonally effective must have some with some amusing and challenging anecdotes.

I would recommend cutting the first two sentences. Showing growth is a good idea, but you typically want to start your essay from a position of strength - either with you in action doing something dynamic, or with you making some sort of strong statement.

If you want to introduce the conversation that you changed tack a number of times during undergrad (I don't see a reason to do this, unless you were on a pre-med track and feel like you need to explain it), do that after you've introduced your interest in politics - just a short "Here's some anecdote that shows my deep involvement in Wisconsin politics. I would have never guessed I would have arrived at this point after detours through med and engineering, but I know I've found my place" or some version that rephrases your direction change as a positive.

Beware platitudes, watch your commas, and give this a read aloud to catch any awkwardness.

Badgers > Crimson Tide (here's hoping). Good luck this cycle -

[CanadianWolf]

Not good. At best, this is a rough first draft. The theme is weak & unconvincing. There is nothing unique about a political activist applying to law school. Try to shorten your sentences. The goal is write in a clear & concise fashion.

[TheodoreKGB]

.

[Scalvert]

I sent some suggestions in a pm that may help you make this more concise.

[badgerboy17]

Thanks everyone for your input, how are these for changes?

On November 2, 2010, a new governor was elected in Wisconsin, the state where my family and I currently live. I was not very involved in politics at the time, nor was I for the first several weeks of his governorship. However, like many others in my community and around the state, I was concerned with a series of legislative acts proposed by our state government. The recommended changes included nearly $2 billion in income and property tax cuts, and substantial reductions in public worker pensions, health insurance, and collective bargaining rights. I felt like the living standards and rights of ordinary workers - people in my family, my friends, honest people who have lived in my community for generations - were being unjustly threatened by these proposed budget cuts.

My interest and involvement in politics did not change all at once. At first, I got involved in small ways. I talked to fellow students, I followed the debates and the protests, and I shared my opinions on social media. However, in the Summer of 2012, I volunteered as an election surveyor for the statewide recall election of our governor. Finally, I was able to put forth my own hard-work and organizational abilities to the test. Through my service, I learned how to operate within the state government to improve the system, and make it better for “we, the people.” I have no doubt that the two months I spent volunteering during the election campaign inspired my desire to become a lawyer. I spent many hours contacting local constituents to identify their preferred candidate for governor and fighting to gain as many converts as possible. On a daily basis, I engaged in conversations with Democrats, Republicans, Independents, as well as a large number of the politically-apathetic. It was a tough, thankless job, but I was also truly enlivened by what I learned about the political process, and my work to effect grassroots change. Social justice was being fought for – literally, one person at a time. Throughout this opportunity, I grew so much professionally, as well as academically and socially. My communication skills were tested and honed over the course of hundreds of hours speaking on the phone. The ability to persuade a neutral party to accept one’s view is especially cherished in the legal profession, and I discovered that I actually thrived on this type of debate. For instance, with one undecided voter, I explained to them both the benefits and drawbacks of each parties’ stances on the budget cuts. After going back and forth over opposing viewpoints for a little while, I eventually proved to them that the costs and benefits of my party’s viewpoint greatly outweighed the opposing parties. To begin a phone conversation with an undecided voter, and then end with a new supporter was truly exhilarating. I imagine there is no greater comparison than the experience of winning a hard-fought court case.

Furthermore, these conversations made me aware of the wider world, and the need to unite to defend the values of people from all backgrounds. I investigated deeper into social justice work while volunteering at the Family Court Clinic at the UW Law School, where we operated as a free legal advice clinic to clientele of any background. I assisted various clients, most of whom had no access to a lawyer or legal aid. On one particular occasion, I had a client express their immense gratitude for my assistance with beginning the process of gaining child custody. They told me, that I alone, had made a difference in this particular fork in their life’s journey, due to not having money for legal aid, and that I was the only place they could turn to for help. I have come to realize the importance of politics and law on individual people, as well as society as whole. I want to be a lawyer who does more than squabble over corporate minutia; I want to use my strong analytical skills to help all citizens, regardless of their background or race, so they have an opportunity to fight for their own rights. I believe that my path of discovery is the source of my strength and marks my worthiness as a candidate.

[CanadianWolf]

A few quick observations & edits. Your opening paragraph is weak.

CONSIDER:

"On November, 2, 2010, a new governor was elected in my home state of Wisconsin."

"Although I was not involved with politics at the time, I was concerned by a series of legislative acts proposed by our state government."

DELETE: "so much". Just write " Throughout this opportunity, I grew professionally..."

SUBSTITUTE: "assistance" for "aid" in "legal aid" in the last paragraph.

"...outweighed the opposing party's." NOT "parties". Also, ""stance", NOT "stances".

[Scalvert]

Also, remove these commas:

tax cuts, and substantial - P1
to improve the system, and make it better - P2
the political process, and my work to effect grassroots - P2
undecided voter, and then end - P2
wider world, and the need to unite - P3

hard-work (remove hyphen)

I explainedto them both the benefits and drawbacks of each party's stance .....greatly outweighed the opposing party's

On one particular occasion, I had a client expressed their immense gratitude for my assistance with beginning the process of gaining child custody. They told me that I had made a difference in this particular fork in their life’s journey. They had no money for legal aid, and I was the only person to whom they could turn for help.

If you see any unnecessary adj and adv that you can delete, that would help with wordiness.

fellow editors: Should "their/they" be "his/he"?? I know the masculine isn't used as default the way it used to be.

[debdeb2]

for the singular, it is best to pick a pronoun - he or she. Does not matter which, as long as you are consistent.