Diversity Statement Critique? Forum

[GreekOmega12]

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[Scalvert]

I think this should serve you well as a DS. There are some awkward sounding sentences that need refinement, but that can be attended to in future drafts. (I don't want to quote, so PM me if you'd like some suggestions for edits.)

[debdeb2]

This will definitely serve you well as a DS. As you work on revision, I recommend doing what you can to reduce explanation. The lede is that you were living independently in Florida. What the adcomms will want to know is how you hustled to make that work. Don't worry so much about explaining where mom was, where dad was, etc - the reader will be more interested in what it was that made you want to stay, and what it was that made you feel you were benefiting from being in that community.

Add any concrete detail that you can - a particular meal you used to cook for yourself; how you learned to occupy your time - etc. Make the scene real for the reader. Sensory details - smells, sounds, images - will help make your essay memorable in a stack of essays.

best of luck this cycle -

[GreekOmega12]

This will definitely serve you well as a DS. As you work on revision, I recommend doing what you can to reduce explanation. The lede is that you were living independently in Florida. What the adcomms will want to know is how you hustled to make that work. Don't worry so much about explaining where mom was, where dad was, etc - the reader will be more interested in what it was that made you want to stay, and what it was that made you feel you were benefiting from being in that community.

Add any concrete detail that you can - a particular meal you used to cook for yourself; how you learned to occupy your time - etc. Make the scene real for the reader. Sensory details - smells, sounds, images - will help make your essay memorable in a stack of essays.

best of luck this cycle -

Thanks for the advice