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[Anonymous User]

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[Scalvert]

"Incensed" might be a good replacement.

I think this is very interesting, well-written, and effective. The story you tell focuses on David instead of you, but in this instance, I don't know how to approach it any differently than you did. The advice is always not to tell someone else's story, but since your decision to go to law school was because of what you witnessed, you sort of have to tell his story. I think you did a good job with the telling though; it's clear why and how it affected you.

I think the content is fine. Others may feel differently.

[scone]

That's a really powerful PS! If anything, I would cut the last sentence - it's unnecessary for a start, as it's already really obvious why you want to go to law school, and it's the only part of the essay that comes across as neither genuine nor passionate.

I personally quite like the line '...frankly, I’m pissed.' No idea how law schools will react, but frankly, from the way you've told that story, everyone should be!

[debdeb2]

To me, this does read as a first draft - there is a lot of emotion, even a touch of rage. You clearly feel we've got a system that is broken; the reader can feel the heat coming off the essay.

I'm interested in the work you did to prepare yourself for your fellowship, and during your fellowship. I would encourage you to push your reflections and analyses into more complex, thoughtful areas. For example, you almost start to show the reader your ability to absorb data and evaluate systems when you discuss in your conclusion what your research centered around, but you cut the reader short by saying that you found it fascinating and terrifying. That's not really analysis - it's more of a gut-level reaction.

Law school is a lot of reading, retaining and applying what you've absorbed in measurable, supportable ways. It's a sober profession that is misrepresented in media for the most part (unless Gloria Allred is your muse). You have a topic tailor-made to establish that you are someone who possesses the above skill set - someone who can both feel the injustice, but who can also step outside of the anger, observe it, review it, and move forward with solutions.

Law schools see more angry essays than you'd expect - usually they're written on injustice related to those whom most need our protection (kids, animals, elderly, infirm, mentally ill), or on divorce. Lots of angry divorce essays out there.

You don't want your essay to feel like a revenge narrative. Outrage in this instance is completely understandable, but your essay would be better served if you kept writing and writing until the cortisol and adrenaline dissipates. This is a strong topic, and there are many great law schools with juvenile clinics who would be interested in you. NB: The general advice is that you should aim to study in a geographic area where you want to practice and not worry too much about specialty beyond trying to get some courtroom experience, but with kids there is a real caveat: working with kids "in the system" just wrecks some people. Having juvenile clinic experience might inform your decision to make a whole career of it. Your very real fellowship experience is a good, concrete start. I'd also recommend that you look for schools with LRAP programs if you expect that you'll need to take out loans and will take a position in public service.

Best of luck; this is a challenging topic, but it has significant potential.

[scone]

Maybe there's room for more analysis etc. after the paragraph ending '...trauma...'? It seems like an obvious place to go into more detail and reflect on your experiences.

[Gray]

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[Anonymous User]

Thank you all so much!! This was fantastic feedback and I truly appreciate it!