. Forum

[SauceCastillo]

Thank you all for the suggestions! It's much appreciated.

[Scalvert]

I remember version 1, and I like this much better. Last word is a typo(hollow), but besides that, really the only thing that bugged me was the next to last sentence of the next to last paragraph (beginning with "the semester before ..."). I had to read it a couple of times before figuring out what you meant. There's probably an easier way to say that. But I think you did a great job. I wasn't bored by it, it's probably not something AdComms will see over and over, it's well- written, and I think you tie in law well at the end.

[jettison63]

Post removed.

[benwyatt]

Post removed.

[ToadToad]

Just some very minor technical errors:
-I would lose the "clock struck midnight" bit at the beginning. Seems kind of cliche. Drop the first two sentences and just start from the third.
-Second paragraph - I'd insert the word "having" after "predicted.
-Third to last paragraph seemed to contain some redundancies. I would eliminate the last sentence altogether or possibly rework it into the fourth sentence.
-Last paragraph - I'd replace "grow" with "foster." In fact, it might be worth it to rewrite the whole paragraph. Maybe refer back to the notion of striving for justice you alluded to before.

Aside from all that, I like your fifth paragraph a lot. I think it serves as a great segue and helps the first half of your statement flow naturally into the second half.

As you reread your statement, remember that every word is important. If you can cut out unnecessary filler and replace it with more powerful language or imagery, give it a shot.

[debdeb2]

This version is strong - it's more personal, and more urgent. I can sense you speaking directly to me, which is a cool trick. Some of that will come from colloquial word choices, which are always a cost/benefit tradeoff: deciding whether you want to be formal, or informal/friendly. For this topic, and the scene you have set, colloquial choices are justifiable, and add to the newsroom atmosphere.

Re: The word feel/felt - it's a great verb to communicate warmth, and add a frisson of passion. Which is to say: "feel," "think," "believe," "understand," and their ilk can usually be interchangeable, but the choice to do so can have a macro effect on your essay's tone. Ex: Going from 'feel' to 'think' takes an emotional word and replaces it with a more cerebral word. It's a choice, and sometimes a cost, depending on the tone you wish to strike.

I often encourage writers to consider warmth as they write their personal statements, especially if their topic is ambitious and/or career oriented. Conversely, someone who has chosen a very personal, hyper emotional topic often is served well by choosing to include a few "I think/I believe" constructions, because that can encourage some reflection and analysis, and prevents the essay from being a pure "id download" to the reader.

The above is a broader conversation on verb choice and not necessarily specific to you. (You are at the fine-tune stage where you're probably deciding whether you've used a word too frequently, per jettison's note.) I do agree with scalvert that the inclusion of the "prior semester" aside causes a timeline jump that is probably unnecessarily confusing for the reader.

good work, good luck!