Personal Statement Critique Forum

[Anonymous User]

I am not applying until the C/O 2020 application cycle so this is a very rough draft but please be honest in your critique. K-JD with extensive internship experience in lobbying but would rather not focus on that in PS. As I mentioned I have more than a year to revise this so if you think I should take a totally different direction please let me know.

As I stood in the courtroom, I was focused on everything except the one thing I should have been focused on. Why is the judge staring at me so intently? Did my shirt get tighter around my neck? Is it normal for my heart to beat like this? I was having a panic attack, something that up until this moment I had never experienced before. “Counsel?” said the Judge, I focused back in. “Yes, your honor” I replied in a fragmented and skittish tone, “Are you going to proceed with your cross examination?” he asked, “Um… no cross examination your honor.” As soon as the words left my mouth I realized that I had just lost us the trial. As I walked back to my seat, I was met with a concerned look from my mother sitting in the gallery, two shocked co-counsels and a noticeably furious coach. I sat solemnly as closing arguments were delivered trying to wrap my mind around what had just happened. This was the first time I had a panic attack, and it was the result of high school mock trial.

After the trial had concluded, my coach berated me for forgetting my cross examination and blamed it on a lack of preparation. I could have told her that I had spent hours the night before practicing, I could have told her that I physically could not speak when I was in front of that courtroom, and I could have told her that I had a panic attack, but I didn’t. I was too embarrassed and I would have rather allowed my entire team to think I was a slacker than discover the truth.

I walked out of the courthouse that night, confused, defeated and wanting nothing to do with mock trial or anything that would make me relive the experience that I just had, but as I was leaving I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to see the judge of the trial. A short elderly man with a stellar reputation as a lawyer in our small town, he was significantly less intimidating now then he was while sitting on the bench. I looked at him embarrassed and expecting generic advice about being prepared for trial and similar sentiments to those my coach had just expressed to me, but what he told me that night changed my life forever. “Everyone has anxiety sometimes, son” said the judge. I was shocked, while everyone else had assumed that I had simply forgotten my cross examination this man had somehow recognized my distress. He continued, “I’ve been practicing law for 30 years and still get nervous before every trial, but I stand up in court and do what I have to do because people are counting me. It doesn’t matter if it’s your client or your co-counsel, as a lawyer people are relying on you to perform and you have to do just that.” He shook my hand as I gave an appreciative thank you, and I left. On the bus ride home I thought about what the judge said, I wondered how adding the pressure of people counting on me would miraculously cure my anxiety, but I had to try something.

I convinced my coach to keep me on as an attorney for the next trial and a week later I was in the same courtroom, in front of a different judge. “Cross examination?” the judge asked me. “Yes, your honor.” As I was entering the well, I looked at my co-counsels, I looked at my coach, and I looked at the rest of my team sitting in the gallery knowing they were counting me, and I needed to perform for them. I proceeded to give the first cross examination of my mock trial career, I spoke far too quickly, asked objectionable questions, and even forgot a key point or two, but I had overcome my anxiety by simply realizing that people were counting on me.

My public speaking anxiety has never fully departed, but the more that people relied on me, the more adept I became at overcoming it. When I entered the MY COLLEGE I continued with mock trial and built a support network of coaches and teammates that transformed me from a 17-year-old with anxiety issues too severe to deliver an effective cross examination, to a top ranked mock trial attorney competing on a national collegiate level. My trial advocacy experience eventually led me to become a Defender at my university’s DEFENDERS OFFICE. I was tasked with advocating on behalf of individuals charged with academic misconduct, and similarly to mock trial, people were counting on me, not to win a trophy or to propel a team to the next level of competition, but in order to protect their academic livelihood. In my personal life, I developed people that were counting on me as well. Through my work as a mentor and mock trial coach at a local high school, I was able to make a lasting impact on young students’ lives, and it is for this reason that I consider my work at LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL an experience that I will value for the rest of my life.

From the students I mentored, to my mock trial teammates, and my peers that I represented at the Student Legal Aid Office, I have learned that when others are counting me, I have the ability to accomplish more than I had ever thought possible. It is for this reason that I am choosing to pursue a career as an attorney, and by doing so, become an advocate for those that truly need someone to count on. I believe that attending XYZ LAW SCHOOL will give me the opportunity to develop the skills necessary to do just that.

[cheesy145]

I think the general consensus is don't talk about high school unless its something substantial. I don't think this is. It seems like you were trying to discuss overcoming an obstacle but to me this doesn't seem like a big enough obstacle to devote a PS to. I think a lot of high schoolers have public speaking issues and freeze up (not trying to minimize your panic attack) but I don't think this topic is overly unique.

I would stick to college topics for your PS. Being a K JD some people including adcomms are gonna think you're immature and this is your chance to illustrate your maturity and talking about high school doesn't effectively do that.

Hope that helps!

[CanadianWolf]

You write well. The theme is clear & well developed. Some minor errors that you should catch on a thorough proof-read.

[debdeb2]

This topic would not stand out, but it's certainly suitable for admissions. I would recommend adjusting the ratio of high school to college - one of the reasons to not over-focus on high school is that you don't want the essay to appear to be your undergrad personal statement, warmed over. There are a number of areas where you could make substantial cuts. For example, the wise judge quotes actually don't add much value, in terms of establishing who you are. It's just a soothing voice that made teen-you feel ok.

One of the ways to ensure that the essay doesn't slant too young is to move back and forth between memory and reflection - you're looking back at that experience through a new perspective. You're contextualizing for the reader what it meant to be someone who suffered from anxiety, but also someone who overcame it and learned to perform. (Or perhaps you still have bouts.) It's like a telescope - if you start an essay hyperfocused on one scene/emotion, you want to pull back out to a landscape perspective periodically to remind the reader that you're using this story as a platform for a broader discussion.

Right now, the telescope's field is too narrow. The reflection is at the high school level: "will someone believe I didn't prepare; will I let my teammates down?." It's sort of a Boy Meets World script - Corey freezes, and then Mr. Feeney makes it all ok through a dose of wisdom and a gentle push.

The broader reflection could be more along the lines of: "I've re-tooled my anxiety into a fuel for performance; I've learned to recognize when others around me are feeling anxious and have become an empathy antenna; I spent time reflecting on the basis of my anxiety and discovered XYZ." I'm just throwing some spitballs out there. If you stick with this, I recommend sitting down and writing at length about your anxiety, to see what sort of reflections you have to explore.

If your overarching goal is just to give a solid picture of you in a courtroom setting, learning to perform at a high level, that's fine. Pick a time where you had a difficult topic or opponent, and side-step the mental narrative all together. There's no need to pick your most traumatic historical experience if the goal is to show that you're successful and capable. From your backstory, there must have been some worthy external opponents that you could write up for the dramatic arc, instead of focusing on an internal opponent (anxiety). Then you'll have a less fraught narrative, and won't have the additional worry that perhaps you've handed the adcomms a whisper of a reason to doubt that you'll make it through 1L. You're a good writer, so whatever you decide, I'm sure it will come across to the reader. Best of luck -