Applying Early Decision this year. Please critique my Addendum. Forum

[goddard24]

Guys, Im gonna be applying this year Early decision and as early as possible to the top Ten, so Im gonna be as forthcoming and as clear as possible.
I would really appreciate your feed back on my following two addendums: got a traffic infraction for driving without a license 3 yrs back, and a ticket for throwing a garbage bag into a garbage bin on a banks property 1 1/2 year back. Please provide your feedback on the following Addendums:

To Whom It May Concern,

On (INSERT DATE HERE) as a result of my failure to yield, I was involved in a traffic collision with another vehicle while driving without a license. As a result, I received a traffic infraction that required payment of a small fine. Due to the fact that neither the other driver nor I were moving at a great rate of speed, neither the other driver nor I was injured. I am incredibly thankful for the safety of the both the other driver and myself. Upon receiving both the fine and the estimate for the repair of the car that I was driving, I promptly paid both amounts. Considering the fact that this event could have been much worse, I have gained an invaluable lesson in patience and responsibility that remains with me to this date. Since that time I have realized that my role as a son, an older brother and a young man requires a certain level of leadership, maturity and responsibility--qualities I did not exhibit on that day. I intend to use this event throughout my career as an attorney as a reminder to thoroughly analyze the consequences, and impacts of my decisions upon others.

On (INSERT DATE HERE) I received a citation for illegal dumping while visiting the poconos. At that time, I was placing a bag of trash into a garbage can that was on the property of a local bank. In being an out-of-state visitor, I was unaware that the garbage bin belonged to the Bank itself. I received a citation requiring me to pay a small fine which was promptly paid. In no way do I wish to use simply not knowing as a an excuse, due to the fact that I should have been more observant of the location of the garbage bin.

[debdeb2]

Hi goddard- linked here is some of the most thorough advice that I've seen: http://www.annaivey.com/iveyfiles/2009/ ... plications

You've got the right length and the right tone - straightforward and contrite. There's no pattern of wrongdoing, so the schools are unlikely to do more than glance at these, appreciate your transparency, and move on.

You do have an opportunity to spruce up the prose. I'm going to paste a partial quote from US News below for reference:

On January 1, 2011 at 2 a.m. I was issued a D.U.I. citation from the Pennsylvania State Police Department for driving under the influence of alcohol. In addition to the citation, my license was revoked for 6 months, I was put on a two-year probation, and was subsequently issued 50 hours of community service.

http://www.usnews.com/education/blogs/l ... n-addendum

The above sample uses very formal language at the outset, sort of a journalist's police blotter. You employ less formal language and mix in some of your subsequent behaviors. You could choose to revise the first section of the addendum, for example:

On X date I was issued a citation for failure to yield and failure to produce a valid driver's license by the state of X. I was issued a fine, received points on my license, was required to attend traffic school, and my license was suspended for X months. It was a low-speed accident; neither party was injured. I promptly paid the fine and for the damage to the other vehicle.

Then you get into the "soft factors," as in what you learned, how you've proceeded as a citizen since that time, etc. That portion of the essay is fine - I'd just recommend formalizing the portion of the essay that deals with the accident itself. Think short, declarative, fact-driven sentences.

For the second essay - if you mean the Poconos Islands, clarify that - if you mean the mountains in Pennsylvania, clarify that. Because this could be a sort of nuisance ordinance that raises funds from unsuspecting out-of-towners, you'll just want to check your tone carefully to guard against defensiveness. "I placed a bag into a trash bin that was accessible by the street/alley. The bin was owned by the adjacent bank, and I was cited for illegal dumping. I owned my mistake, made a note of the local ordinance, and paid the fine promptly." Or what have you. This citation isn't going to bother the adcomms, so you want to get in and out of the addendum quickly.

[goddard24]

I am reading throug the link you provided right now. Thanks for your feedback. Gonna work on it now!