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[Procyon]

Thanks!

[kcdc1]

This is good, but I found many of the sentences difficult to parse. I'd look to simplify your sentence structures. Read it out loud, and any time you find yourself pausing and rereading, simplify. Then have a friend read it out loud to you, and do the same until it flows naturally.

[jetsfan1]

I'm ambivalent about this. If your goal was to explain why law is crucial to development/why you want to go to law school, then I think its a very strong bit of writing. But I don't feel like I learn anything about you as a person, which I should over the course of your PS. It's more of an academic statement then a personal one.

[Procyon]

This is good, but I found many of the sentences difficult to parse. I'd look to simplify your sentence structures. Read it out loud, and any time you find yourself pausing and rereading, simplify. Then have a friend read it out loud to you, and do the same until it flows naturally.

Ah, you're absolutely right. I think I handled those problems pretty effectively a few drafts back but I've been inserting words here and there like a maniac over the past few days. I will try to restrain that tendency from here on out.

I'm ambivalent about this. If your goal was to explain why law is crucial to development/why you want to go to law school, then I think its a very strong bit of writing. But I don't feel like I learn anything about you as a person, which I should over the course of your PS. It's more of an academic statement then a personal one.

This is the most frequent critique I've encountered. I tried the more "personal" approach but I wrote maybe the worst thing ever. I don't think I have the skills to pull off something like that. I'm hoping the subtext here communicates my passion and maturity and I'm relying on the other parts of my application (addenda, resume, DS, 250) to reveal more about my identity. I wish I could write better but given my limits, I think I have to go with this strategy.

[barley]

I'm ambivalent about this. If your goal was to explain why law is crucial to development/why you want to go to law school, then I think its a very strong bit of writing. But I don't feel like I learn anything about you as a person, which I should over the course of your PS. It's more of an academic statement then a personal one.

I definitely agree with this. I can tell that you really know your stuff, but that's all I learned about you through this.

Also, if I were an admissions officer reading hundred of PS's in a day, I think my eyes might start to glaze over upon encountering something so dense and technical. Just a thought.

[CanadianWolf]

In my opinion, this is not an effective law school PS. Reads as if you are trying too hard to use words to impress the reader rather than using words to convey your message. Although the theme is clear, it is presented in a weak & muddled manner.

[jetsfan1]

In my opinion, this is not an effective law school PS. Reads as if you are trying too hard to use words to impress the reader rather than using words to convey your message. Although the theme is clear, it is presented in a weak & muddled manner.

Eh, I don't think the vocab is too bad and I found it to be a pretty intriguing read presented pretty clearly. Like I said, its a strong bit of writing IMO. But its not an effective PS. Do agree with Barley though, even though I found it fun to read here in the middle of reading 50 of these things might be a bit difficult.

Disclaimer though: I have worked in development and read pretty extensively on the subject, so maybe the subject alone is more what is holding my attention.

[CanadianWolf]

Basically, your message seems to be that after years of involvement in international development of emerging economies, you have come to the realization that a well established legal framework is an essential ingredient.

[CanadianWolf]

@jetsfan: In my opinion, this piece is too wordy. Word choice is important. I doubt that many will read the entire essay as it lacks fluidity. This is not a strong piece of writing primarily due to excessive length & poor word choices. While individual phrases read well, the effort becomes disjointed & a touch confusing due to the lack of crisp, clear, concise sentences advancing the theme.

[Procyon]

Thanks for the input everyone! I'll do another careful rewrite and see where I end up then.

[jetsfan1]

@jetsfan: In my opinion, this piece is too wordy. Word choice is important. I doubt that many will read the entire essay as it lacks fluidity. This is not a strong piece of writing primarily due to excessive length & poor word choices. While individual phrases read well, the effort becomes disjointed & a touch confusing due to the lack of crisp, clear, concise sentences advancing the theme.

Eh, fair enough. To each his/her own I guess. All I know is it grabbed my interest pretty well. Yeah there were a few awkward phrases, but I don't think it hurt the overall flow too badly. Again, might be my bias though.