Advice Forum

[jj2hawks]

Hey all. I've written a quick first draft of my PS, and I'm excited to get a little criticism because I know there is a lot that could be improved.
3.75
158 (retake in December)
AA URM
D1 Football Player
Theme: Dealing with severe concussion history, football, looking towards the future, law school commitment
PERSONAL STATEMENT

It was sometime eight hours later when I finally took stock of my surroundings. The lights were bright, the bed was rigid, and the blurry faces of the people surrounding me slowly started to come into focus. The first two faces were unfamiliar, but the look of relief was evident despite me not recognizing who they were. Slowly and painfully I turned my head to the left and with a certain mixture of confusion and familiarity recognized the faces of the three people sitting to my side. The concerned face of my ever worrying mother, the smug look of satisfaction that I had grown accustomed to seeing draped across my fathers face, and a warm knowing smile from my athletic trainer all greeted my adjusting eyes warmly. Despite the circumstance, it was a rather pleasant moment; a moment that was cut short by the violent eruption of bile that spewed from my mouth seconds later. The next few moments, and even the next few days, went by in a blur of uncomfortable pressure and reassuring text messages to worrying friends, family members, and teammates. I have always been the type to enjoy the limelight and attention, but I felt differently this time. Not all topics are enjoyable to speak on, and four concussions in three years had taught me that the hard way.
My best friend’s mother’s jaw dropped in disbelief when I informed her that I had no intention on cutting short my collegiate football career after my recent 24 hour stint in the local hospital. I explained how I had no recollection of the moment that led to my concussion, how tears flowed uncontrollably down my face as if racing one another as waited in the emergency room lobby, how I fell into complete unresponsiveness as the nurses asked the most simple questions such as “What is your name?” or “When is your birthday?”. This sequence would play out verbatim a number of times in the following months with a number of different people in my life, but before that moment, the possibility of quitting had never even crossed my mind. How could I possibly give up on a lifetime passion of mine, especially if dictated by terms outside of my control? I had long since decided that I would be furthering my education and chasing my dream of one day becoming a lawyer, but playing football had made me into the man that I am today. I learned many of my values on friendship, leadership, loyalty, hard work, responsibility, and passion on and around the football field; I couldn’t bring myself to walk away from it, not just yet. Most importantly, football taught me to fight. Not how to throw punches, but to fight for those I care about, to fight for what I believe in, to fight for success, and to fight for my passions.
My blood boiled time and time again as people attempted to educate me on the risks of concussions, or tell me that I would be risking a bright and promising future by continuing to play, as if I was not already aware of what was at stake, battling with what my future would hold every single day. Of course I understood that there was more on the line than the game of football. Of course I understood that people had been left a fraction of their former selves at the hand of concussions. These were topics that we were all on the same page about. What these people did not know what how committed to my future I really was. Obsessively, I spent my days and nights researching law schools, then further into law firms, then further into how the field of law is impacting our society on numerous different levels. It hurt me to look at people who normally held me in high regard in terms of responsibility and intellect look at me as if I was displaying the opposite. They couldn’t understand how I viewed my then present reality of playing football as being vitally connected to my future in law school and in the real world.
I see in law many of the same things that drew me into the sport of football so many years ago as a young and innocent young boy, many of the same things that still captivate me to this day as a young and much less innocent young man; The sense of passion, the coordination of so many moving pieces, the sense of responsibility and accountability that come along with every move being made, and the need to overcome all obstacles placed in one’s way. With the end of my football career looming, I juggle most of my time between enjoying being a hardworking and successful division 1 athlete and enjoying researching and envisioning my future at law school and beyond. My mother enjoys how I spend my time now-a-days, claiming it only took a few hits to the head to put my life’s vision into focus.

[Scalvert]

I like your story. I think it could benefit from having a few adjectives and adverbs trimmed, and maybe moving a couple of things from one place to another. Check your PMs later; I'll send some suggestions.

[Scalvert]

Edits sent!

[barley]

I think you're a great writer and I really like your style (save for a few minor grammatical errors, which I'm sure you'll catch once you do a more thorough proofread).

My main concern is the second to last paragraph, which IMO makes you seem a bit stubborn and bull-headed (no offense intended). Even before I got to that paragraph, I found myself thinking the same thoughts that the people you're disagreeing with thought - you're not taking the danger of repeated head injuries seriously, etc. Then, you go on to tell me how angry people like me made you! That sort of instantly made me feel at odds with you, which is not something you want to happen with an admissions officer. Many people on the adcomms will be parents, and the vast majority will at least be over 25 - the age at which our brains are fully developed and more capable of processing consequences, etc. I think your idealization of your determination to continue playing football (to me, it was stubbornness and short-sightedness rather than determination) speaks to a certain level of immaturity.

Other than that, your make some compelling ties between football and your future in law, and you back that up with a great GPA - really impressive considering you played D1 football. I think a lot of your essay can stay the same, but I'd encourage you to tone down anything that makes you seem antagonistic and narrow-minded toward people who disagree with you.

[jetsfan1]

Dude, go kill the LSAT in December.

Your story is pretty similar to mine, even down to many of the details, so your PS hit me pretty hard on a personal level. Just want to say best of luck and enjoy your last season. You'll miss it like crazy when its over.

[cheesy145]

I agree with the above poster that you came off a little harsh in this PS. Especially when you used the phrase "made my blood boil" kinda made you sound hot headed. I think its a good topic but could maybe be steered towards a different direction than you against everyone else.

[CanadianWolf]

Two strong impressions: You write well & you're stupid.

Concussions are serious business. I cannot imagine any law school admitting you after reading this PS.

P.S. Is your major really "Health Studies" ? If so, I hope you see the irony.

[debdeb2]

Hi jj2hawks -

This is definitely a risky topic. You write well, and the imagery is memorable. But the overall impression left with the reader is worry - has the student recovered? Will he be okay? I've seen a number of essays where the writer indicates that they have been in a precarious situation, and they do not resolve the situation for the reader. It's like a cliff hanger in a mystery that never gets solved - the book just ends. It leaves the reader with anxiety, which I suspect is not the impression you want to leave with the adcomms.

For athletic essays, you typically want to ensure that you're the hero of the story - you're the protagonist who overcomes the odds to succeed. Work, drive, grit, and ambition all come into play. The narrative arc of your essay now is not Introduction-Climax-Resolution-Conclusion - it's more of a Climax-Conclusion essay structure. The essay starts with adrenaline and then sits in front of a computer terminal, researching law schools. There is a brief introduction of a villain in the form of people who are worried about your health and are nagging you, but that's not a true obstacle in the overall scheme of things - people don't typically get into law school because they overcame a case of "loving, annoying mom," ya know?

What I would recommend is this - you're doing the research and planning to re-take the LSAT. Because of the nature of rolling admissions, law school is first-come, first served - the best slots with the best scholarship money get snapped up in October-November. A December application probably won't be reviewed until January, when law schools are starting to finalize their classes. If you knock your LSAT out of the park, you'll be a contender regardless of when your application is sent, but if you hit in the mid 160s you could find yourself with less-generous offers, and a string of waitlists. Then if you get in somewhere with a middling offer, you might feel like you "have to go."

Thus, it may behoove you to wait a cycle. You can keep all of your letters of reference in LSAC and use those again, that won't be held against you. And you can take the year to do something excellent with your time, and frankly just relax. I don't recommend that anyone go straight from undergrad to law - seven years of academics in a row? And then straight into the work force in a grueling 80-hour-a-week job? Or go kick it in Thailand or Cancun for a minute and recuperate? One of my sayings is "you don't want to be the 40-year-old partying on the beach with the 20-year-olds."

I don't know what sort of career you're looking at, but for example if you plan to go into being an agent for professional athletes, you could just cold-call some agencies to see if they need an intern or a post-collegiate employee for awhile. Make some connections, maybe get a great letter of reference, and have a possible place to land post-law school.

Best of luck - you are a great writer, so definitely keep drafting and working through your ideas.

[jj2hawks]

Thank you guys for the advice. I will be making some changes to seem less stubborn and stand-offish. Also thinking of including the fact that I have met with a neuropsychologist who works for an NFL organization and have been fully cleared. I realize that this is a tough topic to write about but it is a large part of who I am.