Personal Statement critique- Be honest! Forum

[cheesy143]

Thanks!

[Scalvert]

I think I may be able to help with a couple of things. Check your PMs a bit later.

[seashellstandard]

Well, I have to admit that when I first started reading this I had no idea where on earth you were going with it, but it turned out to be nicely related to what you want to do in law school, although I think you can expand further on how you see domestic violence and animal issues as interrelated. When you did your project on DV, I am assuming that you also focused on female victims of DV in heterosexual relationships, in addition to male victims, homosexual relationships, and animal issues...?

[cheesy143]

Well, I have to admit that when I first started reading this I had no idea where on earth you were going with it, but it turned out to be nicely related to what you want to do in law school, although I think you can expand further on how you see domestic violence and animal issues as interrelated. When you did your project on DV, I am assuming that you also focused on female victims of DV in heterosexual relationships, in addition to male victims, homosexual relationships, and animal issues...?

Yea I probably should have made that more clear so it doesn't look like I left female victims out, thanks!!

I'll have to add that in, though I'm running out of space and having trouble figuring out what I should keep and what I should scrap

[Scalvert]

Cheesy, I sent you some edits in a pm.

[debdeb2]

Hi Cheesy! If you're sincere about following through with public interest law, I strongly recommend that you either apply to schools where you have a good chance of receiving substantial funding, and/or look at programs like NYU and Harvard which have generous public service law school repayment programs. If you can pay your way through law school independently, please disregard. But if you come out of law school with substantial debt, you may not find the 30,000/year advocacy jobs do-able.

Re: topic. A topic such as this, that is more political in nature, carries some inherent risk. So, you get to spend some time thinking about your audience. Are you applying to a school that is so left-leaning that they will not blink at the topic matter? Are you applying to a school that specializes in the area? http://grockit.com/blog/lsat/2012/03/14 ... -programs/

I appreciate that you go whole hog here. It shows commitment and a willingness to take a position. The introduction with the bull fighting does its job to draw the reader in. What you should focus on is clarity of message - your quick shifting between animal abuse and domestic abuse, and the extra categories of domestic abuse that you list, makes the essay have a mild case of "word soup." It's too much for the reader to keep track of, especially since your reader will be reading hundreds of these essays.

What is the point you most want to get across? How can you zero in on the argument you most want to make? How can you make the prose more elegant, so a person unfamiliar with the topic will feel invited in?

Re: the conclusion - there's no need to bring it back around to the bullfight. You're probably better off with a short "match" conclusion, where you mention that you know you're a good fit for their program if they specialize in public interest/animal law. Show a vested interest - if they have a rockstar faculty member from your field with whom you'd like to study, or a specialized law review from your area of interest, succinctly establish that connection. (The goal is not to tell them something they already know, but to show that you know why you're a great fit.)

Finally, I recommend that you read the essay aloud to yourself, or have someone read the essay to you. Ears are better editors than eyes are, and will catch any constructions that "sound" odd.

[DrSpaceman]

This incidence sparked my interest in animal cruelty.

This should be "...interest in combating animal cruelty" or "...interest in animal rights/justice." What you said there means that you are interested in being cruel to animals.

Also, it was an incident.

Learning about the cruelty us humans cause innocent animals, animals who are too innocent to hold malice, and too primitive to speak up for themselves, can be emotionally draining.

Don't use "innocent" twice this way. Also, be more judicious with commas. Consider "Learning about the cruelty we humans inflict upon animals too innocent to hold malice, and too primitive to speak for themselves can be emotionally draining. "

[cheesy143]

Hi Cheesy! If you're sincere about following through with public interest law, I strongly recommend that you either apply to schools where you have a good chance of receiving substantial funding, and/or look at programs like NYU and Harvard which have generous public service law school repayment programs. If you can pay your way through law school independently, please disregard. But if you come out of law school with substantial debt, you may not find the 30,000/year advocacy jobs do-able.

Re: topic. A topic such as this, that is more political in nature, carries some inherent risk. So, you get to spend some time thinking about your audience. Are you applying to a school that is so left-leaning that they will not blink at the topic matter? Are you applying to a school that specializes in the area? http://grockit.com/blog/lsat/2012/03/14 ... -programs/

I appreciate that you go whole hog here. It shows commitment and a willingness to take a position. The introduction with the bull fighting does its job to draw the reader in. What you should focus on is clarity of message - your quick shifting between animal abuse and domestic abuse, and the extra categories of domestic abuse that you list, makes the essay have a mild case of "word soup." It's too much for the reader to keep track of, especially since your reader will be reading hundreds of these essays.

What is the point you most want to get across? How can you zero in on the argument you most want to make? How can you make the prose more elegant, so a person unfamiliar with the topic will feel invited in?

Re: the conclusion - there's no need to bring it back around to the bullfight. You're probably better off with a short "match" conclusion, where you mention that you know you're a good fit for their program if they specialize in public interest/animal law. Show a vested interest - if they have a rockstar faculty member from your field with whom you'd like to study, or a specialized law review from your area of interest, succinctly establish that connection. (The goal is not to tell them something they already know, but to show that you know why you're a great fit.)

Finally, I recommend that you read the essay aloud to yourself, or have someone read the essay to you. Ears are better editors than eyes are, and will catch any constructions that "sound" odd.

Thanks! Yea I was trying to show how I had other interests beyond animal rights but I can see how that gets cramped. I like the idea for the conclusion idea, they have always been my weakness.

My plan is now to apply to schools I'm confident I can get a lot of money and also schools with public interest scholarships and LRAPs so I should be covered there (hopefully!)

[jetsfan1]

Definitely a few things to work on, as mentioned by some other posters, but I think this is a pretty solid draft. It's focused and gets your point across fairly well. Also "future" is misspelled in the last sentence.

[cheesy145]

Thanks for the good advice guys!

Anyone else?