Personal Statement, 1st draft Forum

[MichiganMan87]

Thanks!

[Scalvert]

My immediate reaction is that the first two sentences after the introduction (which I'm not sure you need) need to be shortened. Maybe just keep "dehumanized and sleep-deprived" ? (I know all that description is applicable, but it makes a clunky sentence). The next sentence needs to be two sentences; it's just too long. In the next sentence, delete "and I." Just say "Airman Wells and five others under my leadership."

I think it's a good, effective story. Just needs a few things made more concise.

[MichiganMan87]

I appreciate the feedback, Scalvert. Anyone else have critiques?

[hannahv246]

jkjk

[cheesy145]

I think its a great topic and you write very well but I the the story was a little hard to follow. Were you actually captured or was this part of the training program?

[barley]

I think its a great topic and you write very well but I the the story was a little hard to follow. Were you actually captured or was this part of the training program?

I thought it was clear that it was a training exercise, and that it's a great essay overall. I also agree with an above poster that the first sentence is incredibly difficult to decipher, which was odd because the rest of your writing is very strong.

The only thing I really wondered while reading this is why you chose to write a about a simulation when it sounds like you had lots of compelling, real-life experiences. Not that that's a bad thing - just a thought.

[debdeb2]

There is some great content in this essay. You're a strong writer - you just need to pull back on the modifiers and adjust some commas.

I think if you read the essay aloud to yourself, or had someone read it to you as you edit, you would catch a lot of the awkward constructions. Ears are better editors than eyes are - this trick really helps. A more grammarian-style trick is to see how far apart your subject and verb are in each sentence, because when they get too far apart, the reader can lose the thread of your thought.

Foe example, the first sentence could simply start at "sleep deprived." That drops us into the action more quickly, which is preferable - for a topic of this nature we want to see you moving about and kicking a**.

Final note - there is necessary truth, and then there is extraneous, factual detail. Which is to say: showing Airman Wells get punched in the face is jarring and therefore distracting for the reader. Even if it happened, you don't necessarily need to mention it if it doesn't further the aim of your essay (which is about establishing the quality of your character). Roughed up? Reprimanded? Scolded? I'm sure there's a euphemism out there somewhere, waiting for you to pluck it out of the ether and begin its life as the new face punch. Best of luck!

[MichiganMan87]

Thanks for the feedback! I edited the first few sentences to help the flow. I also reworded "punched" to struck. I agree that it was poorly worded. I appreciate the help from all of you!

[MichiganMan87]

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