Hey guys, I've been working hard on revising my PS and DS. Let me know what you think.
PS: When I first enrolled at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, I was unsure of what I intended to do post-graduation. For most of my life, I have alternated between hosts of different potential career paths, ranging from business, to engineering to medicine. However, while I did not necessarily realize it at the time, my personal, emotional and intellectual worldview was forever changed by the events in Madison, Wisconsin in the summer of 2012 before college.
On November 2, 2010, Scott Walker was elected the 45th Governor of Wisconsin, a state where my family has resided in for generations. I was not very involved in politics at the time, nor was I for the first several weeks of his governorship. However, like many others in my community and around the country, I was deeply dismayed by a series of legislative acts sponsored by the new Republican majority, including nearly $2 billion in income and property tax cuts (predominantly benefiting the wealthy) and substantial reductions in public worker pensions, health insurance and collective bargaining rights. We felt like the living standards of ordinary workers - people in my family, my friends, honest people who have lived in my community for generations - were under attack.
Things didn’t change for me all at once. At first, I started to get involved in small ways. I had conversations with my fellow students, I followed the debates and the protests on the news, and I shared my opinions on social media accounts. However, in the Summer of 2012, I was given the opportunity to volunteer as an election surveyor for the statewide recall election of Governor Walker. Finally, we were given the chance to put our hard-work and organizational abilities to the test; the chance to operate within the democratic system to make government better for we, the people.
I have no doubt that the two months I spent volunteering for Mayor Barrett’s campaign inspired my desire to become a lawyer today. I spent an average of 20 hours a week contacting local constituents to identify their preferred candidate for governor and fight to gain as many converts as possible. On a daily basis, I engaged in countless conversations with friends and Democrats, debates with opponents and Republicans, and coy schmoozing with the vast numbers of politically-apathetic and Independents. It was a truly enlivening time when I learned so much about the political process and working to effect grassroots change, literally person-by-person.
Of course, we lost the election; but in the process, I gained so much. My communication skills were tested and honed over the course of hundreds of hours speaking on the phone. The ability to persuade a neutral party to accept one’s view is valued in all sectors of life, but especially cherished in the legal profession. I discovered that I not only enjoy debating, but actually thrive on it. To begin a phone conversation with an undecided voter - or even a soft Republican - and then end with a new Barrett supporter was truly exhilarating. I imagine there is no greater comparison than the experience of winning a hard-fought court case.
Additionally, these conversations made me aware of the wider world, and the need to unite to defend our vision of what it it should be. I was drawn deeper and deeper into social justice work throughout my college career while volunteering at the FCC at the UW Law School, where we operated as a free legal advice clinic to clientele of any background. I have come to realize the importance of politics and law on individual people as well as society as whole. I know that I want to be a lawyer who does more than squabble over corporate minutia; I want to use my strong analytical skills, honed by my experience in the political system, to help uplift the working-class of America, person-by-person. While my path to law school is unconventional, I believe that its very uniqueness is the source of my strength and my worthiness as a candidate.
DS: I am a Puerto Rican male studying Biology at The University of Wisconsin. I am a dual citizen of the United States and Canada, and have lived in three different states throughout my childhood: California, Michigan, and Wisconsin. Some of these characteristics have contributed to my diverse perspectives; but none of them, in and of themselves, truly benefits diversity. Diversity must be more than the number of pieces on a pie chart or boxes checked on a form. In my experience, for diversity to be valuable, it must be dynamic: a process of actively encouraging the exchange of cultures, beliefs, ideas, and experiences between people. I believe I will help diversify your upcoming class of 2019 not just because of these aforementioned traits, but because I have learned to engage others of various backgrounds, and to mobilize differences to further the academic and social education of myself, student peers, and any other people I might come into contact with.
Before university, throughout my youth and childhood, I attended all private schools in the various states I lived in. I was one of the few minorities in these majorly white schools, and while that afforded me the chance to absorb more of regular American society and its customs, it also took away from sharing who I was culturally on a deeper level. I was not able to really connect with anyone on a cultural basis, most likely due to them not coming from a different background like me. While I made friends, and made long-lasting connections with some, I never met someone from an unusual background like me. Thus, while I grew socially and academically, I lacked the cultural growth one acquires by experiencing many diverse cultures. The only reason anyone else found me different was attributed to just my skin color, rather than to my cultural upbringing as well.
Diversity became more than just a color and catch phrase to me the day I walked into the Biology Department at the University of Wisconsin. I was suddenly no longer in the minority; a Puerto Rican surrounded by shades of brown, black, and white, no longer easily discernible among my other classmates. I no longer felt that I was constrained from sharing my culture and upbringing with anyone else, due to both of us now having different stories to tell than anyone else. For the first time in my life, I was able to share my own unique experiences and cultural background with other people who were in a similar niche as me. We discussed and collaborated on class outlines in order to succeed in our various demanding STEM classes like Organic Chemistry, Calculus, and Microbiology. When we weren’t scrutinizing over class notes, some classmates and I enjoyed going to the terrace on Lake Mendota and unwinding over some live music and drinks, sharing our different backgrounds and childhoods with each other. I also met someone that shared my interest in playing soccer, and found out we even shared the same favorite club team. We joined a recreational league and he taught me all there is to know about soccer in the Central Americas, like how deeply embedded it is in the roots of their culture. I learned about the various chants people have for their favorite team, and how they stem from the team’s roots in their nation. It was through interacting with these students inside and outside of the classroom, sharing our personal experiences, that enabled me to grow more culturally, as well as academically and socially. I will carry what I have learned through these experiences with me throughout my entire life and academic career. I bring these experiences, coupled along with my other characteristics, in order to continue to engage and benefit the diversity of the student body at XXX Law School.
PS & DS (3rd draft critiques) Forum
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cheesy145
- Posts: 100
- Joined: Tue Sep 16, 2014 10:33 pm
Re: PS & DS (3rd draft critiques)
I think my main concern would be in your PS if it is too political although you never say anything bad about Republicans in general you might rub a Republican the wrong way if they are the ones reading your PS. I don't know maybe I'm just reading too much into it. Other than that I thought your PS was solid but may benefit from some more showing and not just telling
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Scalvert
- Posts: 634
- Joined: Sat Feb 28, 2015 10:40 pm
Re: PS & DS (3rd draft critiques)
That was my thought as well. I like where you talk about your efforts in the recall, but you should probably remove references to republicans and democrats, it does come across as too political, I think. I'm not sure if mentioning Scott Walker by name is a no-no or not. You might just try to keep it a little more generic (although I can't imagine anyone not knowing who it is you're talking about). I'm not sure on this TBH, I know that you should steer clear of anything that might put an AdComm off, so I would say do talk about your work in the recall campaign and what motivated you to do it, but be careful to remove anything betraying bias.
Your DS feels too long to me. It seems to have unnecessary information that could be cut. I think you write well, though, and you'll have something good after editing.
Your DS feels too long to me. It seems to have unnecessary information that could be cut. I think you write well, though, and you'll have something good after editing.
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badgerboy17
- Posts: 13
- Joined: Sat Jul 04, 2015 5:18 pm
Re: PS & DS (3rd draft critiques)
How's this for changes to make it less political?
On November 2, 2010, Scott Walker was elected the 45th Governor of Wisconsin, a state where my family has resided in for generations. I was not very involved in politics at the time, nor was I for the first several weeks of his governorship. However, like many others in my community and around the state, I was concerned with a series of legislative acts proposed by our state government, including nearly $2 billion in income and property tax cuts, and substantial reductions in public worker pensions, health insurance and collective bargaining rights. We felt like the living standards of ordinary workers - people in my family, my friends, honest people who have lived in my community for generations - were being threatened by these proposed budget cuts.
Things did not change for me all at once. At first, I started to get involved in small ways. I had conversations with my fellow students, I followed the debates and the protests on the news, and I shared my opinions on social media accounts. However, in the Summer of 2012, I was given the opportunity to volunteer as an election surveyor for the statewide recall election of Governor Walker. Finally, I was given the chance to put forth my own hard-work and organizational abilities to the test; the chance to learn and operate within the state government branch to continue to improve the system, and make better for we, the people.
I have no doubt that the two months I spent volunteering during the election campaign for governor of Wisconsin, inspired my desire to become a lawyer today. I spent an average of 20 hours a week contacting local constituents to identify their preferred candidate for governor and fight to gain as many converts as possible. On a daily basis, I engaged in countless conversations Democrats, Republicans, and coy schmoozing with the vast numbers of politically-apathetic and Independents. It was a truly enlivening time when I learned so much about the political process and working to effect grassroots change, literally person-by-person.
Throughout this opportunity, I grew so much professionally, as well as academically and socially. My communication skills were tested and honed over the course of hundreds of hours speaking on the phone. The ability to persuade a neutral party to accept one’s view is valued in all sectors of life, but especially cherished in the legal profession. I discovered that I not only enjoy debating, but actually thrive on it. To begin a phone conversation with an undecided voter, and then end with a new supporter was truly exhilarating. I imagine there is no greater comparison than the experience of winning a hard-fought court case.
On November 2, 2010, Scott Walker was elected the 45th Governor of Wisconsin, a state where my family has resided in for generations. I was not very involved in politics at the time, nor was I for the first several weeks of his governorship. However, like many others in my community and around the state, I was concerned with a series of legislative acts proposed by our state government, including nearly $2 billion in income and property tax cuts, and substantial reductions in public worker pensions, health insurance and collective bargaining rights. We felt like the living standards of ordinary workers - people in my family, my friends, honest people who have lived in my community for generations - were being threatened by these proposed budget cuts.
Things did not change for me all at once. At first, I started to get involved in small ways. I had conversations with my fellow students, I followed the debates and the protests on the news, and I shared my opinions on social media accounts. However, in the Summer of 2012, I was given the opportunity to volunteer as an election surveyor for the statewide recall election of Governor Walker. Finally, I was given the chance to put forth my own hard-work and organizational abilities to the test; the chance to learn and operate within the state government branch to continue to improve the system, and make better for we, the people.
I have no doubt that the two months I spent volunteering during the election campaign for governor of Wisconsin, inspired my desire to become a lawyer today. I spent an average of 20 hours a week contacting local constituents to identify their preferred candidate for governor and fight to gain as many converts as possible. On a daily basis, I engaged in countless conversations Democrats, Republicans, and coy schmoozing with the vast numbers of politically-apathetic and Independents. It was a truly enlivening time when I learned so much about the political process and working to effect grassroots change, literally person-by-person.
Throughout this opportunity, I grew so much professionally, as well as academically and socially. My communication skills were tested and honed over the course of hundreds of hours speaking on the phone. The ability to persuade a neutral party to accept one’s view is valued in all sectors of life, but especially cherished in the legal profession. I discovered that I not only enjoy debating, but actually thrive on it. To begin a phone conversation with an undecided voter, and then end with a new supporter was truly exhilarating. I imagine there is no greater comparison than the experience of winning a hard-fought court case.
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badgerboy17
- Posts: 13
- Joined: Sat Jul 04, 2015 5:18 pm
Re: PS & DS (3rd draft critiques)
How're these changes to my DS too?
I am a Puerto Rican male studying Biology at The University of Wisconsin. I am also a dual citizen, and have lived in three different states throughout my childhood: California, Michigan, and Wisconsin. Some of these characteristics have contributed to my diverse perspectives; but none of them, in and of themselves, truly benefits diversity. In my experience, for diversity to be valuable, it must be dynamic: a process of actively encouraging the exchange of cultures, beliefs, ideas, and experiences between people. I believe I will help diversify your upcoming class of 2019 not just because of these aforementioned traits, but because I have learned to engage others of various backgrounds, and to mobilize differences to further the academic and social education of myself, student peers, and anyone else I might encounter in my endeavors.
Before university, throughout my youth and childhood, I attended all private schools in the states I lived in. I was one of the few minorities in these majorly white schools, and while that afforded me the chance to absorb more of regular American society and its customs, it also took away from sharing who I was culturally on a deeper level. I was not really able to connect with anyone on a cultural basis, most likely due to them not coming from a different background like me. While I made friends, and made long-lasting connections with some, I never met someone from an unusual background like me. Thus, while I grew socially and academically, I lacked the cultural growth one acquires by experiencing and interacting with many diverse cultures.
Diversity became more than just a color and catch phrase to me the day I walked into the Biology Department at the University of Wisconsin. I was suddenly no longer in the minority; a Puerto Rican surrounded by shades of brown, black, and white, no longer easily discernible among my other classmates. I no longer felt that I was constrained from sharing my culture and upbringing with anyone else, due to the possibility now of having unique stories and experiences to share with my different classmates. For the first time in my life, I was able to share my own culture and unique background with other people of various cultures, some of whom came from similar situations like mine. We studied together, discussed, and collaborated on class outlines in order to succeed in rigorous weed-out STEM classes like Organic Chemistry, Calculus, and Microbiology. I also met someone that shared my interest in playing soccer, and found out we even shared the same favorite club team. We joined a recreational league, and he taught me all there is to know about soccer in the Central Americas, like how deeply embedded it is in the roots of their culture. I learned about the various chants people have for their favorite team, and how they stem from each individual team’s roots in their country. It was through interacting with these students, and many others, inside and outside of the classroom, sharing our personal experiences, that enabled me to grow more culturally, as well as academically and socially. I will carry what I have learned through these experiences with me throughout my entire life and academic career. I bring these experiences, coupled along with my other characteristics, in order to continue to engage and benefit the diversity of the student body at XXX Law School.
I am a Puerto Rican male studying Biology at The University of Wisconsin. I am also a dual citizen, and have lived in three different states throughout my childhood: California, Michigan, and Wisconsin. Some of these characteristics have contributed to my diverse perspectives; but none of them, in and of themselves, truly benefits diversity. In my experience, for diversity to be valuable, it must be dynamic: a process of actively encouraging the exchange of cultures, beliefs, ideas, and experiences between people. I believe I will help diversify your upcoming class of 2019 not just because of these aforementioned traits, but because I have learned to engage others of various backgrounds, and to mobilize differences to further the academic and social education of myself, student peers, and anyone else I might encounter in my endeavors.
Before university, throughout my youth and childhood, I attended all private schools in the states I lived in. I was one of the few minorities in these majorly white schools, and while that afforded me the chance to absorb more of regular American society and its customs, it also took away from sharing who I was culturally on a deeper level. I was not really able to connect with anyone on a cultural basis, most likely due to them not coming from a different background like me. While I made friends, and made long-lasting connections with some, I never met someone from an unusual background like me. Thus, while I grew socially and academically, I lacked the cultural growth one acquires by experiencing and interacting with many diverse cultures.
Diversity became more than just a color and catch phrase to me the day I walked into the Biology Department at the University of Wisconsin. I was suddenly no longer in the minority; a Puerto Rican surrounded by shades of brown, black, and white, no longer easily discernible among my other classmates. I no longer felt that I was constrained from sharing my culture and upbringing with anyone else, due to the possibility now of having unique stories and experiences to share with my different classmates. For the first time in my life, I was able to share my own culture and unique background with other people of various cultures, some of whom came from similar situations like mine. We studied together, discussed, and collaborated on class outlines in order to succeed in rigorous weed-out STEM classes like Organic Chemistry, Calculus, and Microbiology. I also met someone that shared my interest in playing soccer, and found out we even shared the same favorite club team. We joined a recreational league, and he taught me all there is to know about soccer in the Central Americas, like how deeply embedded it is in the roots of their culture. I learned about the various chants people have for their favorite team, and how they stem from each individual team’s roots in their country. It was through interacting with these students, and many others, inside and outside of the classroom, sharing our personal experiences, that enabled me to grow more culturally, as well as academically and socially. I will carry what I have learned through these experiences with me throughout my entire life and academic career. I bring these experiences, coupled along with my other characteristics, in order to continue to engage and benefit the diversity of the student body at XXX Law School.
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Scalvert
- Posts: 634
- Joined: Sat Feb 28, 2015 10:40 pm
Re: PS & DS (3rd draft critiques)
I might remove the first sentence altogether, then change "at the time" in the second sentence to 2010. Maybe change Governor Walker to just the governor.
Also if you could add something about how the cuts affected you between the intro and where you start talking about the recall, I think it would be effective. I think this is better, but needs something a little more personal. The fact that you worked hard shows, but you need to add something that demonstrates passion. Of course, if you weren't passionate, you wouldn't have bothered, right? But (to me) it seems more like an accomplishments list, so I think relating something tangible to show how you and others were threatened by these policies would make it seem less so.
Just my opinion. I don't think it's bad by any means. I just think statements relating to politics can be tricky. (Especially when you have to show passion, but at the same time, you have to avoid saying what you think of Scott Walker!)
Also if you could add something about how the cuts affected you between the intro and where you start talking about the recall, I think it would be effective. I think this is better, but needs something a little more personal. The fact that you worked hard shows, but you need to add something that demonstrates passion. Of course, if you weren't passionate, you wouldn't have bothered, right? But (to me) it seems more like an accomplishments list, so I think relating something tangible to show how you and others were threatened by these policies would make it seem less so.
Just my opinion. I don't think it's bad by any means. I just think statements relating to politics can be tricky. (Especially when you have to show passion, but at the same time, you have to avoid saying what you think of Scott Walker!)
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Scalvert
- Posts: 634
- Joined: Sat Feb 28, 2015 10:40 pm
Re: PS & DS (3rd draft critiques)
On the DS, I think I might move the first two sentences of the second paragraph to the final paragraph and then delete the rest of paragraph 2.
I think the rest of that paragraph seems like you are saying that because you spent time in an mostly white school, that your cultural experiences have mostly been white (and thus anything you had to offer would come from that perspective). Which is not the impression you want to give.
That's just my interpretation, though. Other than that, (which others may disagree with) I think it sounds good.
I think the rest of that paragraph seems like you are saying that because you spent time in an mostly white school, that your cultural experiences have mostly been white (and thus anything you had to offer would come from that perspective). Which is not the impression you want to give.
That's just my interpretation, though. Other than that, (which others may disagree with) I think it sounds good.
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libertttarian
- Posts: 76
- Joined: Wed Jul 08, 2015 12:38 am
Re: PS & DS (3rd draft critiques)
PS makes you sound like you're highly partisan, probably because your political experience is based solely on this one highly partisan campaign. But the first sentence, for instance, definitely makes you sound more partisan than you need to be.
It also sounds like you got motivated to volunteer for the recall election because of tax cuts and restrictions to government unions. Those issues are just so wonkish that I'm surprised you got as worked up as you did. But that raises the question of why, if you were so worked up about these issues, didn't you continue to work in politics?
If you did continue to work in politics, your PS would be stronger if you mentioned your continued involvement. Otherwise it sounds like you got motivated to volunteer for the recall election because it was a big deal in the news, and then you stopped volunteering the moment everything died down.
Another thought:
quote="badgerboy17"]Additionally, these conversations made me aware of the wider world, and the need to unite to defend our vision of what it it should be.[/quote]
"Our vision" sounds way too partisan. Who's vision, the Democratic party's? What does badgerboy17 think?
Another big problem is that you really don't do anything when you're working the phones during a campaign, especially if you're only working 20 hours a week. Did you really "coyly schmooze" with Independents and "debate" undecided voters, or did you read off a script, record the respondents' answers, and ad lib a couple conversations? It sounds like you're being disingenuous; I'd try not to glamorize your position. I'd imagine it's fine if you say that it was a tough and sometimes thankless job (unless I'm just projecting and you really were having substantive, thoughtful, informed debates with random people on the phone lol). In fact, saying the job was tough probably sells your dedication better than implying that you loved everything about the job and it was this perfect, transformative moment in your life.
Finally, you say you want to "uplift" people. How do you want to do that? Where is that desire to "uplift" people coming from? Maybe expanding on that helps your statement, but idk.
Maybe it would be helpful to put more focus on the social justice work, but again idk.
Overall not bad, your story sounds perfectly fine. Not sure how unconventional your path is though, plenty of people interested in politics want to go into law.
Obviously these are just my opinions. Good luck!
It also sounds like you got motivated to volunteer for the recall election because of tax cuts and restrictions to government unions. Those issues are just so wonkish that I'm surprised you got as worked up as you did. But that raises the question of why, if you were so worked up about these issues, didn't you continue to work in politics?
If you did continue to work in politics, your PS would be stronger if you mentioned your continued involvement. Otherwise it sounds like you got motivated to volunteer for the recall election because it was a big deal in the news, and then you stopped volunteering the moment everything died down.
Another thought:
quote="badgerboy17"]Additionally, these conversations made me aware of the wider world, and the need to unite to defend our vision of what it it should be.[/quote]
"Our vision" sounds way too partisan. Who's vision, the Democratic party's? What does badgerboy17 think?
Another big problem is that you really don't do anything when you're working the phones during a campaign, especially if you're only working 20 hours a week. Did you really "coyly schmooze" with Independents and "debate" undecided voters, or did you read off a script, record the respondents' answers, and ad lib a couple conversations? It sounds like you're being disingenuous; I'd try not to glamorize your position. I'd imagine it's fine if you say that it was a tough and sometimes thankless job (unless I'm just projecting and you really were having substantive, thoughtful, informed debates with random people on the phone lol). In fact, saying the job was tough probably sells your dedication better than implying that you loved everything about the job and it was this perfect, transformative moment in your life.
Finally, you say you want to "uplift" people. How do you want to do that? Where is that desire to "uplift" people coming from? Maybe expanding on that helps your statement, but idk.
Maybe it would be helpful to put more focus on the social justice work, but again idk.
Overall not bad, your story sounds perfectly fine. Not sure how unconventional your path is though, plenty of people interested in politics want to go into law.
Obviously these are just my opinions. Good luck!
