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kjm1992 · Post by **kjm1992** » Tue Aug 11, 2015 11:59 pm

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BasilHallward · Post by **BasilHallward** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 12:36 am

This PS is, from a subject-matter perspective, weak. It reads like something a high school senior would write. This is not to marginalize your overseas experiences (I am sure that they were genuinely transformative). The main problem is that you do not tie this into the "why law school is the next logical step" answer that law schools generally implicitly ask. I am just getting from this that you met some interesting folks and stepped out of your "comfort zone".

Disclaimer:
I did not see your first version. Please keep in mind that this is not a critique of your grammar or general writing skills, but only a suggestion to reevaluate your audience and ask yourself what committees want to hear from you. Nearly every middle-class college kid has backpacked through some part of Europe at some point. This is fine to have as your theme, if the trip somehow crystallizes your desire/will/need/calling to practice the law.

Edit: grammar

Scalvert · Post by **Scalvert** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 12:57 am

I think it's more effective when you start to talk about how you handled being out of your comfort zone. Before that, the main thing I gleaned was that you had become an efficient packer. The first two paragraphs could be trimmed into one, and maybe talk more about your observations and how things you encountered affected you. I still think this is far more about travel than it is about you. You mention you have some interesting stories to tell (like the guys driving from London), why not focus on one particular story and go a little more in-depth about how what you learned changed you as a person?

SeattleStudent · Post by **SeattleStudent** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 1:01 am

First, link this to why you want to go to law school in a stronger way. Second, never use contractions in a professional piece of writing.

Indifference · Post by **Indifference** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 1:04 am

Going to second the above. It also strikes me as you burying the lead. I think the idea of you knowing more about yourself and being more confident is important, but the broad backdrop of a eurotrip isn't the best way to go about it. That's not to say this theme couldn't work if you are dead set on it. I could see the theme working in a narrower context...perhaps there is a specific conversation or event that you could focus on that you could use as a vehicle for your development? Just idle thoughts here, but as it stands this simply isn't interesting enough to make it stand out in a pile.

P.S. For the sake of those reading your PS on here, please put spaces between your paragraphs. Walls of text frighten away even the most hardened of PS readers

urbanist11 · Post by **urbanist11** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 7:49 am

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scone · Post by **scone** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 9:22 am

I find it quite amusing that your qualms about traveling in places where you don't know the language were assuaged by traveling from London Heathrow to your London hostel...

chueca910 · Post by **chueca910** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 10:46 am

I read your first one and I think you're trying to force this backpacking experience into a personal statement.

Honestly, I thought the story about Greece was more interesting even though it didn't tie in well into a personal statement. This one is really generic and anyone could write it.

benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 11:12 am

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kjm1992 · Post by **kjm1992** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 11:24 am

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benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 11:29 am

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cheesy145 · Post by **cheesy145** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 11:30 am

kjm1992 wrote:Okay, thanks everyone. I guess I'll scrap this one too. Also, I wasn't trying to force this topic, I just thought I'd try it from a different angle and see if it works better, but apparently it doesn't. My thinking was that it would be nice to show that I've been to places outside of the US and my college town, and that I've had experiences with different types of people which gives me a unique perspective that I could bring to law school. Also, to tell them something about me (I like to travel and am now confident and self-sufficient enough to spend 2-3 months traveling alone) that's not on my resume. I guess it's not coming across that way.

I think those are good reasons to pick this topic and with some work you could show how you grew. Right now I don't think your topic is personalized enough to you specifically its very general and vague. This is a common topic so if you do pick it try and make yours stand out from the other studying abroad/travel PSs. maybe pick a specific story about something that happened while backpacking

kjm1992 · Post by **kjm1992** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 11:45 am

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benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 11:58 am

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kjm1992 · Post by **kjm1992** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 12:07 pm

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Scalvert · Post by **Scalvert** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 12:09 pm

My first few attempts were very much like yours. I was told that my PS was well-written, but there was nothing in it that would either help or harm me. You don't want to be forgettable! I finally decided to write about something that I had not originally considered. With help from TLSers and others that I trust, I managed to present it in an effective manner. I've been told that it is now a strong PS. If you consider yourself to be a bubble candidate at the school you'd really like to attend (like I am), don't submit something just because it's "not horrible" and "won't hurt you."

BasilHallward · Post by **BasilHallward** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 12:13 pm

kjm1992 wrote:Yeah I'm 171/3.77. I obviously want a really good essay, but in case I can't make it happen, I'd like to have some backup essays that won't destroy my chances. Aiming for most T14 schools.

Also 171 was my 3rd score, with 163 and 164 the first two times which is what's stressing me out.

This should not stress you out. You have great numbers. You are a long shot for HYS, but you should have a stronger PS, if you want to send an app their way. At the end of the day, many mid to lower T14s will accept you with $$. Don't fret the PS too much. You have time.

chueca910 · Post by **chueca910** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 12:23 pm

Also, outstanding personal statements don't just happen in a day. It's clear that you wrote this in a hurry, so give it more time and insight.

Indifference · Post by **Indifference** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 1:52 pm

BasilHallward wrote:
kjm1992 wrote:Yeah I'm 171/3.77. I obviously want a really good essay, but in case I can't make it happen, I'd like to have some backup essays that won't destroy my chances. Aiming for most T14 schools.

Also 171 was my 3rd score, with 163 and 164 the first two times which is what's stressing me out.

This should not stress you out. You have great numbers. You are a long shot for HYS, but you should have a stronger PS, if you want to send an app their way. At the end of the day, many mid to lower T14s will accept you with $$. Don't fret the PS too much. You have time.

+1. I went 163, 164, 177. Going where I want to; taking multiple times didn't affect my outcomes (maybe with the exception of YS, but who knows with those places)...