Help please. BIG CHANGE to personal statement Forum

[theleastdiverse]

Long story short.. I applied to schools last year.. Got some amazing offers... but couldn't go due to a HUGE change in my life.

Instead of using the same personal statement as last year (which got me generous scholarships at some schools), I wrote a new one highlighting how my life has changed. (Heck, isn't the point of a PS to convey who I am?)

So please read this for me: Is it too personal or out there? I'm more concerned about topic and content then grammar (but any grammar tips are appreciated). THANKS!


"I was in the final semester of my senior year of college when everything changed. My girlfriend of almost six years called and told me to sit down. The news that came next was the most terrifying, yet joyous moment of my life. I had just become a father, the proud father of a beautiful newborn girl. The doctors actually called it a miracle; there were no signs of pregnancy until the moment before she was born. To be sure, we were completely in the dark as well. One moment we were living the lives of a normal college couple, the next our lives flipped upside down without warning. Sometimes it still takes me a moment to comprehend, not having nine months to prepare, or even one day to prepare. Yet, nine months later, here I stand as the proud dad of a healthy, beautiful little girl.
Sure, my life changed almost instantly. Within months I was a college graduate, employed as an actuarial analyst, and a father. It was a completely different world then a year ago, when my biggest concern was where my friends and I would be hanging out Friday night. I was forced to grow up overnight, and I cannot convey the positive impact this has had on my life. Responsible for the life of another, my approach to each day changed, characterized by stronger principles and intense motivation. I knew that above almost all else, I needed to provide her with the opportunity to attain the best education possible.
I have always been passionate about education, fully believing in its ability to create endless opportunities and a better world. Not only do I have a burning drive to continue my own education, but I shamefully aware of the lack of educational opportunity that exists for others. During my four years at Franklin & Marshall College, I participated in Project LAUNCH, where I served as a mentor to underprivileged students from a local high school. I witnessed firsthand, for four years, that despite the amazing educational institutions that our country has to offer, these kids did not have access to them.
Throughout this program, I related to my mentee through academics and athletics. He was an intelligent kid, but lacked any familial support whatsoever. Since his main passion was sports, I brought him to our collegiate football and basketball games, connecting an academic environment with the sports he loved. This worked and slowly, over the course of our four years working together, my mentee became more committed to his schoolwork and the idea of attending college. Unfortunately his dreams of attending college were put on hold by his family.
Ultimately, this four year mentoring experience opened my eyes to the world around me. It forced me to become comfortable around those who were different than me. Most importantly, it made me recognize that many struggle to attain even a basic education, something many others often take for granted. In any respect, this program played a large part in my development as a person throughout my four years at Franklin & Marshall College.
The birth of my daughter made this issue more personal. I was no longer seeing the problem of educational opportunity through the eyes of others, but through the eyes of my own kin. I knew that society could not promise her the ability to pursue her dreams at the finest educational institutions this country has to offer; however, with hard work, I could make that promise. And that is what motivates me every day. My inherent passion to continue to learn, grow, and succeed, is now driven by the desire to provide my daughter with the same opportunity. Attending law school is the next step in my continued path of learning, growth, and success. I cannot honestly say that I will use my legal education solely to fight the inequalities of the educational system. However, I hope the skills I learn will allow me to contribute in some way to decreasing educational inequalities for my daughter’s and future generations of children. "

[LawsRUs]

I think it's all right. Congrats btw.

[theleastdiverse]

I think it's all right. Congrats btw.

Appreciate the response! And thank you!

[CanadianWolf]

You write well & you seem to understand how to effectively evaluate & share your experiences.

How did you end up with a 3.05 GPA from F&M ? Were you pre-med ? Congratulations on your 172 LSAT score.

[theleastdiverse]

You write well & you seem to understand how to effectively evaluate & share your experiences.

How did you end up with a 3.05 GPA from F&M ? Were you pre-med ? Congratulations on your 172 LSAT score.

Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it.
I was premed for 3 semesters which didn't help. But no excuses, the GPA is a result of my lack of full commitment to classes. Yes I want to go back in time and shoot myself in the foot but oh well.

And btw, if you know anything about F&M it's not like it's a walk in the park...