Please Critique-- brutally. Forum

[Sweetneers]

I've heard a lot of conflicting information about what should and should not go into a personal statement, and it seems my University Writing Center is not a ton of help, so I've come here looking for advice. I'm not sensitive. Tell me if it sucks.


Deleted. Thank you for your input.

[Clearly]

Meh, I can't brutalize it, which is good. It's also kind of cookie-cutter for me though, but thats not bad. I don't like "waiting on christmas" and would prefer "for christmas"
I also don't like how you we're so timid about everything. timid for college, terrified to be captain etc. It's ok to step up to the plate confidently for a challenge. Minor details though, it reads well and has an uplifting ending. it's just fine, which is pretty much what a PS should be.

[shump92]

Meh, I can't brutalize it, which is good. It's also kind of cookie-cutter for me though, but thats not bad. I don't like "waiting on christmas" and would prefer "for christmas"
I also don't like how you we're so timid about everything. timid for college, terrified to be captain etc. It's ok to step up to the plate confidently for a challenge. Minor details though, it reads well and has an uplifting ending. it's just fine, which is pretty much what a PS should be.

+1 to all of this.
I relate to the being timid issue a lot and I'll just say that life will be MUCH easier for you if you stop letting people judge you for being so much younger. Don't take that too far, but have confidence. You need to feel as qualified as everyone you surround yourself with. Just be willing to listen to what people have to say and decide what is important for you to take in.

If you want me to be more specific about the above or for me to brutalize your verboseness here, just send me a PM. I'll get back to you soonish.

[CanadianWolf]

It's okay, but fails to offer much insight into who you are as a person & how you became that way. My strongest impression from this writing is that you must be young. Although you write well, your writing fails to offer any insights that might allow readers to understand you or to connect with you. This piece is more like a college admission essay than a law school personal statement.

[CanadianWolf]

On the positive side, you do write well. Your PS stays on topic & is written in a clear and fairly concise manner.
Your observations, however, reveal your youth. Many can read the same novel, yet have very different experiences.
While your GPA & LSAT score combined with your disciplined work ethic & strong writing skills may indicate a readiness for law school, your lack of life experiences may deprive you of much of what is to be learned in law school.

[cocos]

I liked it overall. I think you're a pretty good storyteller. I agree with the commenter above that this story makes you sound timid. I also think it would be helpful to connect this story to something bigger eg how being on the team that first year changed your experience of college or maybe fast forward to senior year at the end and show yourself confidently debating and taking a younger team member under your wing. Idk

[LawsRUs]

I think if you were going to write a statement on your mock trial experience leading to your interest in law school, you would need to provide a unique angle. I think you can do this since you are an excellent writer. I wanted less on what happened and more on why you read an entire case one night, why you worked until midnight preparing, why it drives you (maybe because you see the significance of good advocacy, maybe because you see the consequences of a bad trial decision having real life implications). Go from there, and good luck.