Pls critique my personal statement Forum

[cocos]

Deleted

Thanks for the thoughtful edits and comments, all! I'm working on a new version today that will hopefully make the link to law school more clear. Happy to swap statements with anyone if you'd like me to do some editing in return, just PM me.

[OLitch]

Your PS was interesting to read but it doesn't tie into law school. Put less focus on the details and more focus on how this relates to your desire to go to law school. The last sentence is the only thing that tells the reader that you are interested in law. Weave the law theme in and out of your PS.

[scone]

I enjoyed reading that. Probably best to cut out all the stuff about your heart not being in academic arguments in the 2nd paragraph, considering you're applying to law school...

I agree (to an extent) with the previous commenter - while the 'why law' question usually doesn't need to be addressed explicitly, you should at least come away from a PS thinking that law is the obvious next step for the applicant. However, it seems from your PS that you've already found your chosen career - and it isn't law. So maybe try and be a bit more explicit throughout the PS as to how the law ties in with what you've observed - it sounds like you will be able to make some really insightful comments about the intersection of law and business, international law and economics etc., which could distinguish you from other applicants. I personally think detail is good, provided it is relevant detail.

There are no problems with your writing style, and it looks like you've chosen a great topic. Good luck!

[CanadianWolf]

After a quick read, it is clear that your proposed law school PS is too wordy and a bit carelessly written. Take more care in your choice of words.
The first two paragraphs are fine. Briefly share what "NGO" means (Non Governmental Organization).

Third paragraph: "When I returned to college for my senior year..."

CONSIDER: "my honors thesis" rather than "an honors thesis". "Though it won me high honors" needs to be changed.

CONSIDER: "Although I achieved high honors, my heart was not in formulating academic arguments as I wanted to work toward tangible results."

CHANGE: "I loved this job..." to " My work focused on matters as diverse as auto industry regulations in Pakistan to legally mandated corporate philanthropy in India."

What does "building capacity" mean ?

CONSIDER: "While progress has been slow and difficult, putting in place new industry regulations to assure safe, sustainable development was a clear example of the combined power of the private sector working in tandem with government." AT THIS POINT YOU NEED TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT TO MODIFY YOUR THEME ( "in response to public outcry.") This would share what really happened while also illustrating your ability to merge your prior work & study experiences. After all, were it not for the demands of the public, nothing would have changed.