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smile0751
- Posts: 490
- Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2014 11:40 pm
Re: PLEASE REVISE - Personal Statement
In my opinion two pieces of advice:
1) work on sentence flow. Some sentences, such as the very first one, sound awkward.
2) I think you can condense down some of your story (may be include less references to the privilege of your peers or less repeating of how you felt like an outsider) , and replace it with more conversation about you and who you are. I think that last paragraph has a lot of good content that could be expanded.
Overall, I felt I learned a lot about the internship, but I wanted to know more about you outside of just those three months.
P.s. Don't call ethics classes mind numbing.
1) work on sentence flow. Some sentences, such as the very first one, sound awkward.
2) I think you can condense down some of your story (may be include less references to the privilege of your peers or less repeating of how you felt like an outsider) , and replace it with more conversation about you and who you are. I think that last paragraph has a lot of good content that could be expanded.
Overall, I felt I learned a lot about the internship, but I wanted to know more about you outside of just those three months.
P.s. Don't call ethics classes mind numbing.
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benwyatt
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Post removed.
Post removed.
Last edited by benwyatt on Mon Nov 09, 2015 12:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
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numb3r4
- Posts: 40
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Re: PLEASE REVISE - Personal Statement
Thanks!
Last edited by numb3r4 on Thu Jul 30, 2015 12:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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benwyatt
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Post removed.
Post removed.
Last edited by benwyatt on Mon Nov 09, 2015 12:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
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smile0751
- Posts: 490
- Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2014 11:40 pm
Re: PLEASE REVISE - Personal Statement
Maybe introduce that message earlier with more backstory about you upbringing at the beginning?
Also, I think the tactful way to show your disadvantage is to not pick on individual people, but instead say general things like "I was competing with peers who already knew how to write resumes And tie the perfect Windsor knot. Their education incorporated life skills that I had never been exposed to." Not saying that's ideal, but it might sound less bitter and more matter-of-fact.
Also, I think the tactful way to show your disadvantage is to not pick on individual people, but instead say general things like "I was competing with peers who already knew how to write resumes And tie the perfect Windsor knot. Their education incorporated life skills that I had never been exposed to." Not saying that's ideal, but it might sound less bitter and more matter-of-fact.
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benwyatt
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Post removed.
Post removed.
Last edited by benwyatt on Mon Nov 09, 2015 12:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
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CanadianWolf
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Re: PLEASE REVISE - Personal Statement
In my opinion, this is not an effective law school personal statement. One problem is that you use five paragraphs to communicate one paragraph worth of insight into who you are. There just isn't much substance here. Essays like this are very common among high school seniors applying to college.
Try to develop a theme that offers better insights into who you are & how you became that person; then share that story in a more streamlined five paragraph format. Folks who read law school applications tend to be very intelligent & very experienced so there is no need to repeat & draw out such a basic, simple theme as you have done above. This is a type of law school PS that might actually hurt your application because readers may question whether or not you are ready to attend law school.
Try to develop a theme that offers better insights into who you are & how you became that person; then share that story in a more streamlined five paragraph format. Folks who read law school applications tend to be very intelligent & very experienced so there is no need to repeat & draw out such a basic, simple theme as you have done above. This is a type of law school PS that might actually hurt your application because readers may question whether or not you are ready to attend law school.
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numb3r4
- Posts: 40
- Joined: Tue Jul 21, 2015 4:34 pm
Re: PLEASE REVISE - Personal Statement
Thanks!
Last edited by numb3r4 on Thu Jul 30, 2015 12:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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scone
- Posts: 209
- Joined: Fri Jul 03, 2015 2:34 pm
Re: PLEASE REVISE - Personal Statement
Remove everything after the semi-colon in the first sentence, it implies you're accident-prone! I personally think the next line should start 'against all the odds...', the first part doesn't add much. Saying you felt out of place could give the impression that you didn't feel qualified - how about saying, you could not help feeling out of place despite yourself? Cut out the sentence about oversight (why do you still think that? You proved yourself, didn't you?). Cut the line about proving yourself - that all becomes clear by the end of the statement (show, don't tell etc.).
Replace 'clarified whether I was supposed' with 'whether'. Also, part of you felt, not thought. (Personally, only one part of me does the thinking: the brain.) Maybe end the paragraph with something a bit more uplifting ('I was ready for this' or some better-written variation thereof) than reminding the admissions committees, for the hundredth time, that you thought they'd made a mistake?
In the light of all the 'felts' I've asked you to add, maybe change the 'felt' before 'in my element' to a 'been'. Your call though. Also, 'might be', not 'might have been', I think. In your list of conversation topic examples, I personally feel it's always best to have three rather than two - just my aesthetic preference.
'...there was no doubt in my mind that...' instead of '...blah blah question blah...'. Get rid of 'aside from that'. At the end of that paragraph, I would put '...see two senators in action, and thought nothing of the extra work' and scrap the mistake in hiring you bit.
Don't go with present tense in the last paragraph, it implies you're some sort of taxidermied animal on display in the senator's room. Meeting the Lieutenant Governor is not as impressive in writing as I'm sure it was in person. Same goes for his gavel. Also, far too much innuendo there.
I hope this is helpful! I enjoyed reading it, it's very uplifting. Feel free to ignore any/all of what I've said.
Replace 'clarified whether I was supposed' with 'whether'. Also, part of you felt, not thought. (Personally, only one part of me does the thinking: the brain.) Maybe end the paragraph with something a bit more uplifting ('I was ready for this' or some better-written variation thereof) than reminding the admissions committees, for the hundredth time, that you thought they'd made a mistake?
In the light of all the 'felts' I've asked you to add, maybe change the 'felt' before 'in my element' to a 'been'. Your call though. Also, 'might be', not 'might have been', I think. In your list of conversation topic examples, I personally feel it's always best to have three rather than two - just my aesthetic preference.
'...there was no doubt in my mind that...' instead of '...blah blah question blah...'. Get rid of 'aside from that'. At the end of that paragraph, I would put '...see two senators in action, and thought nothing of the extra work' and scrap the mistake in hiring you bit.
Don't go with present tense in the last paragraph, it implies you're some sort of taxidermied animal on display in the senator's room. Meeting the Lieutenant Governor is not as impressive in writing as I'm sure it was in person. Same goes for his gavel. Also, far too much innuendo there.
I hope this is helpful! I enjoyed reading it, it's very uplifting. Feel free to ignore any/all of what I've said.
