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benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Mon Jul 27, 2015 6:33 pm

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shump92 · Post by **shump92** » Mon Jul 27, 2015 6:42 pm

I don't really have major content concerns this time. I think the ending was more appropriate and the flow made sense. Besides several little things I would point to with the wording (some based on my own preferences), I only have one major comment. Along with reducing sentence length, you need to have shorter paragraphs too. Multiple paragraphs on the same theme is okay because each one should only have one main point as its focus. Right now you have a bit too much in some paragraphs. For example, your opening paragraph should definitely be two.

But I like this much better. Content seems right. All it needs is the meticulous refinement any PS should go through.

CanadianWolf · Post by **CanadianWolf** » Mon Jul 27, 2015 7:22 pm

"effect meaningful change", not "affect". ("Effect" means to bring about, while "affect" means to alter something already established.)

"most challenging academics I will ever face". Not "I have ever faced".

Scalvert · Post by **Scalvert** » Mon Jul 27, 2015 7:37 pm

I like it. It's shorter and the flow is much better. It's more personal, while at the same time having less of a "me" feel (if that makes sense.) IMO, you really come across as someone to root for here.

Just a couple of grammar-ish things that jumped out at me (I know you haven't really proofread it yet) , in the final paragraph, if you are using the word to mean "initiate" then change it from "affect meaningful change" to effect. I also think that it sounds better to say as "one" always did, instead of "they" always did. (First paragraph in reference to the man from Child Services).

benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Tue Jul 28, 2015 10:33 pm

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