Personal Statement Final Draft. Please Critique. Willing to swap Personal Statments. Forum

[goddard24]

Guys, I am super appreciative for all of the advice and answers I have received using this forum. I will be applying early decision/early in general this year to the Top Ten, so Im aiming to make this personal statement as clean as possible. Fold no punches!

Also, If anyone is looking to trade personal statements, please PM me. See below for my Personal Statement:

In 2007 my parents took my brother and me from our home in the Commonwealth of Dominica to Barbados, to complete the final stage of a nearly ten-year process. Prior to entering the United States as a permanent resident, it is required that one attends an interview at the nearest U.S. immigration office. Barbados, located two islands south of the Commonwealth of Dominica, was our destination. To date, my parents’ decision to immigrate to the United States has provided me with innumerable opportunities within life--a majority of which I have yet to realize. However, the moment that our eligibility to relocate was nearly denied, stands in my mind as a reminder that U.S. legislature possesses the ability to provide opportunities to improve one’s quality of life.

At the immigration office, the problem stemmed from the fact that on two of her identification documents, my mother incorrectly listed her middle name as her first. Upon noticing the differing names, the interviewing officer immediately halted our interview. Of course, the appearance of two different names upon immigration documents stood as a red flag to the officer. In her best attempt to clarify, my mother explained that this mistake resulted from habit--for most of her life she has been addressed by her middle name rather than her first. Nonetheless, it was abundantly clear that the officer was unconvinced, to the extent that my family and I were removed from the line to await the director of the department. With each person that assumed our place in line, time took on a slower persona--fifteen minutes took on the guise of thirty. Finally, the director approached, and bluntly explained that this mistake could have delayed our entrance to the United States at least another four years. Thankfully, upon speaking with my parents, and understanding the honesty of this mistake, he granted our clearance to immigrate. In July of 2008, we entered the United States as permanent residents.

My experience at the immigration office has remained in the background of my development as both a student, and an immigrant. I must attribute its longevity to the fact that it prompted me to confront the reality that in some manner, my ability to achieve in life could be limited. This possibility directly opposed a maxim that was echoed throughout my childhood; I could do anything that I set my mind to. The contrast personalized the reality that there are others whose ability to contribute to society on a larger scale, is limited by nothing more than the opportunity to learn.

The concept of education has garnered a new meaning for me, specifically because it is the only tool that I have at my disposal to improve my socioeconomic status. In my experience, entering a new country with limited funds, and a very small familial support system requires one to rely on their intellect and a proof of such in order to progress. My parents provided the most impactful example; lacking the officiated document stating a major and a graduation date, their opportunities for employment were severely limited. Upon entering the United States, we transitioned from the middle to the lower economic bracket--we qualified for low-income housing. However, there was a point to this transition, to create an opportunity for my brother and me that would allow us to achieve more in life than either of my parents. Being a direct beneficiary of an opportunity that someone else has created has warranted a period of self-reflection on my part. I have come to believe that by obtaining the means to improve the access to education on a global scale, I will be able contribute to the improvement of society in manner that will grant others the ability to continue to do so.

Initially, I entered college with the idea of becoming an attorney. I took the classes that centered upon legal topics, I attended the seminars, and originally thought I had a thorough understanding of the profession, and my reasons for pursuit. However, during my senior year of college, I became a citizen of the United States. The ‘outside looking in’ perspective that I once held began to dissipate. Receiving this status has cemented my understanding that my actions contribute to the functioning of society.

I believe that in order to institute, and to apply legislature, one must have an understanding of how it may impact even the smallest of niches within society. Coming from a significantly smaller country has granted me the perspective of seeing the socioeconomic demarcations within society on a much more concentrated scale. By combining this perspective with my experience within the U.S. as an immigrant, I have gained a glimpse of the effect of legislative policies upon those in lower economic brackets. I believe that this perspective will supply an understanding of society that will support, and improve class discussion at (INSERT SCHOOL NAME HERE).

[Scalvert]

I would omit "within life" in the first paragraph. It means the same thing without those two words. I don't think the comma after "denied" is necessary. In paragraph 2, the comma between "parents" and "and" is unnecessary. In paragraph 3, the comma between "student" and "and" is unnecessary. "I could do anything that I set my mind to." You shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition. (even though everyone does it conversationally) It might be better to say "When I make up my mind, I can do anything" (or something else along those lines). "Others whose ability" I think this should be "abilities" since you're talking about more than one person (which would change the verb to "are limited"), also I don't think the comma there is necessary.

"In my experience, entering a new country with limited funds, and a very small familial support system requires one to rely on their intellect and a proof of such in order to progress." This would probably read better as two sentences. Perhaps " Entering a new country with limited funds and a very small familial support system is difficult. One is required to rely on intellect and to have proof of such in order to progress." In the next paragraph, change "officiated" to "official." The "a" here was omitted: "in manner that will grant others the ability to continue to do so."

Omit the commas here: "profession, and my reasons for pursuit," "to institute, and to apply legislature," "will support, and improve class discussion ."

Commas are used before "and" when two independent clauses are being separated, or when more than two things are listed in a series. In most of these examples, a comma is unnecessary because you are giving only two examples. Also, you use the word "within" three times in the final paragraph. Although this isn't incorrect, it might read better to change at least one of those to something else so that it doesn't sound repetitive.

I think this is a great PS! These minor refinements should improve it somewhat, but I think it's very interesting and well-written.

[Scalvert]

Looking back over this, I think this: "I took the classes that centered upon legal topics, I attended the seminars, and originally thought I had a thorough understanding of the profession, and my reasons for pursuit" might read better as two sentences: "I took the classes that centered upon legal topics. I attended the seminars, and originally thought I had a thorough understanding of the profession and my reasons for pursuit."



Let me know if you'd like me to delete my comments later, since I've quoted portions of your PS.

[NL2424]

I would remove "we qualified for low income housing." You all ready stated you moved socioeconomic brackets, adcoms will believe you. Also, the last sentence seems to me to distract from the overall PS. To me it seems like you want to go to law school just to improve class discussion. I thought you were going to end with a big why law statement such as "and now I want to be an attorney to help others break down the barriers in their way." Just my thoughts.

ETA: But I did like it overall, it told a story that was interesting to follow.

[goddard24]

Thanks for all of the feedback. I did over-use the comma. Really appreciate you giving my another look over!

[debdeb2]

Hi - I'm not convinced that the long narrative explaining the error with your mother's middle name on immigration forms merits this amount of space in a PS. In a DS, the topic could work as a stand-alone essay, because you'd be illustrating your background and backstory.

But for a PS it's usually better to choose a story where you are the actor/protagonist/hero who is making decisions, and you are the one who is dealing with the outcomes of those decisions. The PS is a character study - it is the story that you choose as a metaphor for who you are as a person. A story where you are driving the narrative will put you in a better light.

This is the sentence that strikes me in your essay: "I have come to believe that by obtaining the means to improve the access to education on a global scale...etc" It's a powerful statement, and nothing else in the essay backs this assertion up. You don't give the reader a sense of your education, or any particulars regarding the tangible benefits you received/felt/observed in your own education. You don't give any sense that this is a topic you have studied, or is an area you have volunteered in, or that you have a career track in mind related to this rather complex developmental area. You do briefly mention legislation, but 1) you do not need a law degree to work in US government, or to propose legislation, and 2) If your goal is to improve global access to education, you'd be better off aiming to work with Oprah.

Overall, the tone and topic here are appropriate to a personal statement, and certainly you could clean up the grammatical mistakes and submit this as-is. The comments above are mostly to underline that even though this draft is sincere and very real, it isn't doing a lot in terms of helping the adcomms understand who you are as an individual. If you're aiming for T14s, I'd recommend taking this essay apart, reducing the immigration story to one short paragraph, and re-focusing the middle of the essay on who you are, and how you are making decisions now based on your experiences "in the system." And if you do have a deeper background in these social issues, you need to show that off - otherwise you risk having a very real desire come across as a platitude. You have great content here - I encourage you to not accidentally sell yourself short! Best of luck this cycle -