Please critique my PS! Forum

[Scalvert]

I would appreciate any help you could give, I have read, re-read, and nit-picked over every word. I have no idea if this is good or not. TBH, i don't feel as if I've done anything PS-worthy, and I had a very hard time with this. It may seem silly (maybe TOO personal?) but honestly, I don't know what else to say. I'm still UG, and don't have a lot of work experience to talk about.

I plan on adding a couple of sentences at the end to personalize it before sending it. Although I haven't decided what I'm going to say yet. I also feel that maybe I need to state that the depression was linked to bullying (or was that obvious?). Is there too much focus on the past?
Anyway, thanks for reading!

[Scalvert]

Oh, I forgot, please don't quote!

[rnoodles]

Maybe change the first three sentences. I think they're a bit over the top (esp. the first one), and it all makes me lose a bit of my interest right away as a result.

If you want to personalize your PS to each school, I suggest only doing so in the final paragraph otherwise it basically becomes a "Why X" essay. But you should also make sure the inclusion is very genuine, which can be a tricky thing to do. It wouldn't come off very well to admissions officers to read a PS that seems like it (or a portion of it) is nothing more than a shell for generic information mined from their website.

[shump92]

I thought this was good. The language was very clear and your vocabulary did not feel unnatural. Volunteerism was the one exception to this, why not say volunteering which is far more common? Also why not come out and say what your physical feature was? Dancing around it felt a bit protective. At the end I wanted you to pick some more specific part of the law. Maybe citing things you think are objectively good examples of effective law or a specific area of the law that appeals to you. At the least what was your office doing. I don't see the need for you to have a comparison to plastic surgeons either. Just why law is good. But nothing too substantive to be changed.

[Scalvert]

Yeah, I wasn't sure how to open it. I've been reading samples and everyone seems to have an interesting opening that seems somewhat disconnected (until you finish reading) from the rest of it. I was afraid of it being boring if I just started with the fourth sentence. So just maybe more of a straightforward sentence structure would be better?

I also see what you're saying about the personalization. I'll have to think of a better way to do weave that in there.

Thanks!

[Scalvert]

I thought this was good. The language was very clear and your vocabulary did not feel unnatural. Volunteerism was the one exception to this, why not say volunteering which is far more common? Also why not come out and say what your physical feature was? Dancing around it felt a bit protective. At the end I wanted you to pick some more specific part of the law. Maybe citing things you think are objectively good examples of effective law or a specific area of the law that appeals to you. At the least what was your office doing. I don't see the need for you to have a comparison to plastic surgeons either. Just why law is good. But nothing too substantive to be changed.

Thanks, I didn't want to say exactly what it was because I didn't want people to laugh (tbh), and I wanted to keep the focus on other things.
I was thinking Civil Rights law, the offices I worked at specialized in family law, though. I also didn't want to make too big a deal of volunteer work, because I feel like it's something that most people probably do. Like the adcomms would think " big deal. Another one that has volunteering in their PS....boring"

It's much easier to write about someone else!

[Scalvert]

Edited

[Oskosh]

I agree, those first 3 sentences make it sound like you are one of Toni Morrison's omniscient narrators.

[Scalvert]

lol. Ok, first three sentences = bad.

Was my second version (in my last post) of the first paragraph better? Or on the right track anyway?

I'm still a little concerned about the subject matter. Most of the examples I've read have been about people who've run companies, dealt with tragedy, or something else of importance. I'm worried that mine is not really about anything. It comes across like I really had to dig for something to write about. (which I did )

[fieryking]

i liked it.. kept me interested and not too try hard

[shump92]

Changes were good, especially for the later paragraph.

Couple of nitpicky things; slightly changed wording. But I found that I did not enjoy the subjects I had to take. As a chid, I had been the kid who did odd things... I follow current events and court cases like other follow sports.
Children can be cruel (almost never need those adverbs) 8th amendment just says cruel for example.
Basically, cut down on your unnecessary descriptive words. You are narrating too much, as if this is not your own story. You would never talk this way to someone else. Think about making the PS more like a conversation.

Be careful with placing an objective valuation on the SCOTUS readings. The level of clarity was clearly higher for King that it was for Obergefell (Read what Roberts was saying). Not everyone was so thrilled about the second one, so claiming inspiration betrays your bias. Not telling you to avoid including this, but be aware that those statements paint a picture of you that certain people on adcomms will not necessarily favor.

[barley]

I think this is a pretty good essay. Your writing is definitely solid, and I think the subject matter is a good one. Since it sounds like you're not sold on the topic, you could always consider shortening this essay and adding jt as an addendum. But I think it's absolutely fine to use as a PS!

Here are my critiques:

- The first few sentences (even your second stab at them) seemed forced and awkward
- Take out the part about being miserable taking science classes. (It's fine to say you didn't enjoy them). But law school is no cakewalk, and you don't want to give the impression that you'd just be sad and quit if you don't like the classes.
- Don't undersell yourself by saying you "only" worked one semester at a law firm! Just say that you worked there, you don't have to try to downplay it.
- Your new paragraph about being a civil rights attorney sounds very naive. Specifically the "marginalized by society because they don't look or act like everyone else" bit makes me think you have no idea about what being a civil rights attorney entails. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I don't think you should say you want to be a specific type of attorney when you haven't actually put the time into understanding what they do. I think it's probably totally fine (granted - I'm a 0L) to go into law school not knowing what sort of law you want to practice. Better to things open ended in your PS than sounding clueless!

Anyway, besides those few points, it really is a good start. Good luck!!

[Scalvert]

Thanks, I was originally going to leave it open-ended, but someone earlier had suggested I specify the type of law. I added the "marginalization" part to tie it back to my own situation to make it seem relevant, but if it comes across as naive, I can certainly take it out. The same thing for the SCOTUS rulings, just trying to add a more personal feel by throwing in how I felt about friends' reactions. I can omit or modify that as well.

I'll go back through and axe some adjectives and tone down some things, and also take another crack at the opening.
Thanks, everyone. This is very helpful!

[shump92]

Thanks, I was originally going to leave it open-ended, but someone earlier had suggested I specify the type of law. I added the "marginalization" part to tie it back to my own situation to make it seem relevant, but if it comes across as naive, I can certainly take it out. The same thing for the SCOTUS rulings, just trying to add a more personal feel by throwing in how I felt about friends' reactions. I can omit or modify that as well.

I'll go back through and axe some adjectives and tone down some things, and also take another crack at the opening.
Thanks, everyone. This is very helpful!

Just keep in mind that more detail is better if and only if you can present it well. So a more detailed PS presented well > less detailed PS presented well > more detailed PS not presented well. Make this as specific to you as possible while also reflecting a good appreciation for the various interpretations to what you say.

[barley]

Thanks, I was originally going to leave it open-ended, but someone earlier had suggested I specify the type of law. I added the "marginalization" part to tie it back to my own situation to make it seem relevant, but if it comes across as naive, I can certainly take it out. The same thing for the SCOTUS rulings, just trying to add a more personal feel by throwing in how I felt about friends' reactions. I can omit or modify that as well.

I'll go back through and axe some adjectives and tone down some things, and also take another crack at the opening.
Thanks, everyone. This is very helpful!

Great! the "naive" bit was just my impression and I'm sure others might feel differently, so definitely get other opinions. Good luck.

[Scalvert]

Shump92, Is it better though, to just not go there? Like you said earlier, I don't want to betray any bias to an AdComm member. I suppose that leaves just talking about the practice of a specific type of law. But, truthfully, I really don't know that for sure either.
Would adding a sentence along the lines of - "Growing up, I felt a sense of "me vs them." I felt as though I had no advocate. As a lawyer, I could help those who feel they have been denied rights because of an aspect of themselves over which they have no control"

Does that tie back to my situation without sounding too simplistic?

[shump92]

Shump92, Is it better though, to just not go there? Like you said earlier, I don't want to betray any bias to an AdComm member. I suppose that leaves just talking about the practice of a specific type of law. But, truthfully, I really don't know that for sure either.
Would adding a sentence along the lines of - "Growing up, I felt a sense of "me vs them." I felt as though I had no advocate. As a lawyer, I could help those who feel they have been denied rights because of an aspect of themselves over which they have no control"

Does that tie back to my situation without sounding too simplistic?

Yes. But I think another important thing is that you need to be comfortable yourself with what your PS says. Maybe input fromTLS is useful, but we are not you. You cannot avoid some forms of bias in anything you say so just keep that in mind. I am not saying that you should have no bias, but rather that you should be aware of the bias you are presenting given how it could be interpreted. I say directly in my PS that King v Burwell had a positive effect but I am very aware of what I am saying there, I also give credit to something Bush did. My real point is do not be too limited to your own "bubble" in thinking things are good or smart or [insert relative adjective here]. Is that clearer?

[Scalvert]

It is, thank you. Is your PS posted here? I would like to read it.

I will also post a second draft of mine later today for more input.

[Scalvert]

OK, here is version #2

[shump92]

Much more of the PS came across as genuine. As far as details for schools, I really do not think that should ever be in a PS. If you really care about that school, talk about that in an addendum, which many of them will have as an option. Otherwise you are taking away from your main message that the PS is supposed to give. It is a PERSONAL statement, not a why x essay.

I just think the wording needs to keep being refined. When you submit this, every single word and punctuation mark should be something you are certain has no better alternative. Delete everything that you put in parenthesis, the implications were all pretty clear. I would change "my academics" to "my grades" since people do not talk about how good their academics are, they talk about grades. That way when you say GPA later, it makes more sense. Why not just "an effective mask" or even "a mask"? Last one I am going to say is "...I enjoyed service."

Don't feel pressured to take all of the suggestions you get, just be sure that you are comfortable with every last detail. This seems to be coming along well. Be sure to send it to people you actually know too.

[shump92]

It is, thank you. Is your PS posted here? I would like to read it.

I will also post a second draft of mine later today for more input.

I PMed it to you.

[Scalvert]

Thanks! I'll take a look. Your suggestions have really helped. It sounds better to me as well.

[Scalvert]

Question: It has been suggested that I be more specific about my GPA and major at the end of paragraph 2. Since this info can be found in my resume, would that be considered redundant, or would it be considered a "helpful reminder?" I don't plan to write an addendum.

Which is better ?

It came as a bit of a shock to me when I started school that not everyone shared my parents’ opinion of me.

When I started school, it came as a shock to me that not everyone shared my parents’ opinion of me.