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benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Sun Jul 19, 2015 2:54 pm

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SeattleStudent · Post by **SeattleStudent** » Sun Jul 19, 2015 3:03 pm

I think this is great. I'd keep reading.

Quippy · Post by **Quippy** » Sun Jul 19, 2015 3:50 pm

I would definitely keep reading. In terms of storytelling, I think it might be more effective to start with the action (the questions themselves or saying the questions were routine) because the audience won't care who the man is or why he's visiting unless they know why they should. If they have to catch up, they'll be more invested. The entire second half is excellent, though, and the last bit is perfect.

CanadianWolf · Post by **CanadianWolf** » Sun Jul 19, 2015 5:33 pm

Great beginning--but that could change depending upon the rest of the story.

TheSpanishMain · Post by **TheSpanishMain** » Sun Jul 19, 2015 5:38 pm

It's very good, although I'm hoping it's not building to an "I AM hungry...for a legal education!" moment

CanadianWolf · Post by **CanadianWolf** » Sun Jul 19, 2015 5:42 pm

Pretty sure that's where it is headed--unfortunately.

benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Sun Jul 19, 2015 5:57 pm

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shump92 · Post by **shump92** » Sun Jul 19, 2015 6:19 pm

I like the topic in the intro but some of the wordiness feels a bit weird. You are talking about being 8, but have phrases including "answered in the affirmative" and "without a moment of contemplation". I would recommend trying to simplify the language, especially because this is your childhood experience and that vocabulary feels unnatural. Good start though.

benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Sun Jul 19, 2015 8:36 pm

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