Please critique my personal statement (PI focused) Forum

[Anonymous User]

Ah... So I've spent far too long with this statement, to the point that I can no longer discern whether it's decent, good, or totally awful. It's starting to sound forced and choppy to me, but I can't tell if that's actually the case or not.

Constructive criticism greatly appreciated, but please don't quote.

PS - This is probably obvious, but the second to last paragraph will be changed based on the school I'm applying to.

[CanadianWolf]

Pretty good overall.

Change "complex" to "varied" at the end of the first paragraph.

Also, consider deleting the last sentence of the fourth paragraph.

These two modifications should enhance your PS in a meaningful fashion.

[Anonymous User]

Thank you for your suggestions and taking the time to read it!

[LawsRUs]

It's great.

I think you can read it over one last time for making your language even more concise and for going over punctuation. (But this is a very minor critique, and I think you can send your statement without fixing them.) Other than that, I think you did an excellent job in communicating why you would like to do PI work and in showing that you understand it on both individual and systematic levels.

Good job OP.

[Anonymous User]

It's great.

I think you can read it over one last time for making your language even more concise and for going over punctuation. (But this is a very minor critique, and I think you can send your statement without fixing them.) Other than that, I think you did an excellent job in communicating why you would like to do PI work and in showing that you understand it on both individual and systematic levels.

Good job OP.

Thank you so much, I'm glad to hear that! I've definitely been worried about giving off the naive PI'er vibe, so it's a relief that it sounds like I know what I'm talking about. I'll definitely keep conciseness and punctuation in mind as I review.

[Anonymous User]

Gentle bump (is that allowed?) in the hopes that one or two more kind souls will give some critique before I take this down tonight. Thanks!

[shump92]

I was very impressed overall but have a few minor things to say.

1) Do not use contractions. Unless you are quoting somebody, it is too informal for your PS. Use that extra character or two to spell out the words. I think this only applied to your intro.

2) The essay seemed a bit long. I had a hard time wanting to follow all of your story because it was SO detailed. TCR is typically to have a maximum of two double-spaced pages and I did not feel like your essay was that short. The worst thing you could do would be to have a great essay that adcomms decide to not really look at because the length is a bit much. Not saying you have to cut it down, just think about it.

3) Watch out for language that is a bit verbose/pretentious. The only striking example for me was all of your last sentence after provide. So many unnecessary thoughts are created there. I will be pedantic and share them all here just to give you an idea. Do non-public interest attorneys (or even non attorneys) not provide meaningful representation to their clients? What constitutes meaningful representation? Why do all of the problems have to be complex? What if someone had a simple physical problem and needed help? What types of psychological problems should a lawyer help with vs. a psychiatrist? What kinds of social needs? What is the difference between individual and systemic levels?

Really not trying to be mean here but do you get my point? Brevity is important because you want all readers to take away the exact same message from these essays. Their interpretations may vary slightly, but you should not let them be too dissimilar. Honestly think about every single word you are including and whether it could be cut while your main points are still made. Other than that one sentence, I think you were fine.

4) I want to reiterate that this feels like an 85% finished version.

[gnomgnomuch]

This was a great read, good work. (Ask a couple of professors to look it over just in case, but I liked it a lot!)

[Anonymous User]

This was a great read, good work. (Ask a couple of professors to look it over just in case, but I liked it a lot!)

Thank you so much for taking the time to read it over!

I was very impressed overall but have a few minor things to say.

1) Do not use contractions. Unless you are quoting somebody, it is too informal for your PS. Use that extra character or two to spell out the words. I think this only applied to your intro.

2) The essay seemed a bit long. I had a hard time wanting to follow all of your story because it was SO detailed. TCR is typically to have a maximum of two double-spaced pages and I did not feel like your essay was that short. The worst thing you could do would be to have a great essay that adcomms decide to not really look at because the length is a bit much. Not saying you have to cut it down, just think about it.

3) Watch out for language that is a bit verbose/pretentious. The only striking example for me was all of your last sentence after provide. So many unnecessary thoughts are created there. I will be pedantic and share them all here just to give you an idea. Do non-public interest attorneys (or even non attorneys) not provide meaningful representation to their clients? What constitutes meaningful representation? Why do all of the problems have to be complex? What if someone had a simple physical problem and needed help? What types of psychological problems should a lawyer help with vs. a psychiatrist? What kinds of social needs? What is the difference between individual and systemic levels?

Really not trying to be mean here but do you get my point? Brevity is important because you want all readers to take away the exact same message from these essays. Their interpretations may vary slightly, but you should not let them be too dissimilar. Honestly think about every single word you are including and whether it could be cut while your main points are still made. Other than that one sentence, I think you were fine.

4) I want to reiterate that this feels like an 85% finished version.

Oh, you this wasn't mean at all - this is exactly the kind of critique I was hoping for, so thanks very much.

1) Yeah, I was wondering about the contractions. Not using them seemed a little bit stilted, and considering the paragraph is about making human connections, I made the conscious decision to go with something that felt more natural. But that's a good point, I will definitely run it by a couple professors/colleagues to see what they think.

2) It's exactly two pages! But I bumped the margins down to 1 inch all around, so I was cheating a bit. >_< You're right, I'd hate for adcomms to not read it fully because of length. I will continue to consider what might be better off excluded.

3) This point is particularly helpful to me, I'm so glad you raised those questions! I feel like I have answers to all of them, but certainly not ones I could articulate in my PS; it's very useful to know that the readers might be asking them. I'm aware that PI people (myself included, though I try not to be!) can accidentally drift toward pretentiousness/self-righteousness, so that's something I've been actively looking to avoid. I'm really glad you pointed out the parts that came off that way, so I will definitely look into cutting/rephrasing as necessary to correct this.

4) Thanks again I appreciate it!

[Ron Howard]

Great so far. Building on what others have already said, I have but one suggestion. Avoid semicolons and colons where possible. Short sentences are in vogue, and many people think that semicolons and colons are no longer appropriate in non-technical writing. Although only a minority may believe this, someone on the admissions committee may subscribe to the doctrine.

The semicolon can, in most instances, be replaced by a period.

[Anonymous User]

Ooh I'm glad you pointed that out; I am a semicolon fiend. (Seewhatididthere?) I'll definitely go back and replace most of them. Thank you very much!