crush my spirits Forum

[cdotson2]

I think the last poster who did this gained some good critiques so I am looking for similar candid critiques. Have at it.

At the age of twelve, I was diagnosed with epilepsy. At fourteen, I had my worst epileptic fit, and I nearly died, my father found me cold on the couch not breathing. He immediately put me into the car started on the route to the hospital and called 911. Along the way I was transferred into an ambulance and spent the rest of the day at the emergency room. This early near death encounter and living with epilepsy as a child has taught me to make the most of life. I have been fortunate to have since overcome this illness, at seventeen I had my last seizure, at eighteen I was taken off my medicine.
Living with epilepsy made normal things like sleepovers at a friend’s or playing sports a nightmare for my parents. When I was younger I did not know why it was fine for me to stay over at my friend’s house who parents happened to be a doctor or a nurse, but my parents wouldn’t let me stay over at another friend’s house. I gradually grew to understand the fear my parents had for me growing up, especially now that my younger brother has also been diagnosed with epilepsy and I am old enough to fully comprehend the seriousness of the situation. Understanding the fears of my parents has also led me to further realizations of the position I am. Things that are prospects of happiness for so many people, like having children, comes with nervous trepidation, for what If my child is born with the same condition I had to face.
My physical health was not the only concern throughout the time I fought with epilepsy; throughout middle school I had documented academic difficulties in several areas resulting from the condition. I overcame these obstacles, which included a speech impediment, through dedicated practice, hard work, and family support, I remember countless nights sitting in my room reading out loud to work through my pronunciations, or sitting with my grandmother on the porch working through spelling cards. I ended up graduating among the top five students in my high school class.
My challenges have taught me the value of hard work and community support. In an effort to give back to my community and to share what I have learned, I worked at a local therapeutic horse riding center for several years. Helping children living with disabilities ranging from mild autism to extreme cases of cerebral palsy led to a leadership position at the summer camp. This early leadership experience helped me to grow as an individual and reflecting on the issues that these children faced inspired me to take the fortunate position of overcoming my disability and use that to inspire others.
Overcoming obstacles in my life and working with others facing even greater challenges than I ever faced enabled me to understand the need for dedicated community involvement. I have taken this to heart not only in my local community and in the disability community but also in my college career and have been involved with several projects on campus that serve the campus community. The contributions I make in the office of student conduct have provided me with the most growth and insight. I see a whole different side of the university volunteering and working on the student conduct board, and it has really opened my heart to the university community. Being able to be a part of the process that will help rehabilitate these individual students and protect the rest of the student body and campus community has really spurred my involvement as a whole in my university and lead to a greater sense of pride and comradery with my student body.
The obstacles I have overcome and the service I have given have helped point me towards the legal field as a way to both serve my community through my field and gain the resources and connections to help outside of my field. I hope that through attending _______ I will gain the opportunity to create the positive change that I want to see happen, and help me continue my story of success to share with those who are still struggling and to give them hope.

[sandwhich]

Two main critiques:

1) Your story is compelling, but it reads like a college entrance essay, not a personal statement for law school. I'd not mention things like sleepovers and avoid talking about high school if you can.

2) The rest is just general syntax and grammar errors that need to be taken care of. Utilize your writing center or, preferably, a professor (or two).

[swampman]

Agree with sandwhich. Everything that happened before you entered college should be condensed to one short paragraph. The point of that paragraph should be to put your achievements as an adult into context (ie, your motivation, where you're coming from). Then expand on your achievements as an adult.

As sandwhich said, you need to address a lot of syntax and grammar errors once you get closer to a final draft. One thing I'll mention, just because it's a pet peeve, is don't use "really" in any semi-formal writing.

[Emma.]

You might be able to write a compelling PS about your epilepsy, but this isn't it. Try to show, rather than just tell.

As the others have pointed out, the grammar is a mess throughout.

[barley]

1) Your story is compelling, but it reads like a college entrance essay, not a personal statement for law school.

This is exactly what I was going to say!

Other than sandwhich and swampman's comments (which I completely agree with), I'd add that while you certainly have talked about admirable qualities you possess, you haven't convinced me that you know why you want to go to law school, or even know what being a lawyer entails. I'm sure you do, but "The obstacles I have overcome and the service I have given have helped point me towards the legal field as a way to both serve my community through my field and gain the resources and connections to help outside of my field" is very vague and doesn't make any sense to me at all. I'd love to know specifics about how your service, and particularly the awesome work you did at your undergrad school, made you realize that a law degree would help you make a bigger impact in the future.

Work on that grammar, and good luck!

[kaiser]

I agree to focus more on your adult life, and how your past drives you and motivates you now. Also, the grammar and style needs a total overhaul. The sentences need to have a certain flow, and construction that gives them syntax and readability.

[basti]

It sounds bad, but perhaps you can mention the injustices people with disabilities face. Underrepresentation, difficulties with health care system, etc. IMO, that would really help to convince someone why you wish to attend law school. You have very good numbers, and you need to capitalize on them by having a strong, compelling personal statement. Ditto on the syntactical and grammatical errors. Sentences that have phrases like "the position I am" read awkwardly, but are not incorrigible. Seek out a friend who has experience in editing, or a consultant (only for the purposes of editing).

[CanadianWolf]

Not good. I read a much better version of this PS a while ago. What happened ? The main problem is the first two paragraphs, in my opinion. Too much detail about your medical condition.

[cdotson2]

Thanks everyone! I have a lot of people that I will be sending to for grammar edits, and will work on showing more instead of telling.
I think with this edit I was trying to get away from an earlier one that was just rehashing my resume, and I was trying to create more of a narrative so I need to find a better middle ground on that I guess.

[basti]

Also, I don't support name dropping a university. If you are going to target them, invest some time in research. Mention their clinics, the location, etc. Name dropping is just lazy.

[swampman]

Thanks everyone! I am have a lot of people that I will be sending to for grammar edits, and will work on showing more instead of telling.
I think with this edit I was trying to get away from an earlier one that was just rehashing my resume, and I was trying to create more of a narrative so I need to find a better middle ground on that I guess.

I didn't read the earlier edit, but I see where you're coming from. The "don't rehash your resume" idea doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about the things on your resume. You should actually talk about your resume lines more, assuming they fit into the narrative you are trying to tell. Explain why you did some of the things on your resume, what you learned from them, how they fit into your narrative, and, most importantly, why all of that points towards going to law school.

[cdotson2]

Is this a significant step in the right direction?

At the age of twelve, I was diagnosed with epilepsy. At fourteen, I had my worst epileptic fit, and I nearly died, my father found me cold on the couch not breathing. He immediately put me into the car started on the route to the hospital and called 911. Along the way I was transferred into an ambulance and spent the rest of the day at the emergency room. This early near death encounter and living with epilepsy as a child has taught me a lot of lessons. I have been fortunate to have since overcome this illness, at seventeen I had my last seizure, at eighteen I was taken off my medicine.

My physical health was not the only concern throughout the time I fought with epilepsy; throughout middle school I had documented academic difficulties in several areas resulting from the condition. I overcame these obstacles, which included a speech impediment, through dedicated practice, hard work, and family support, I remember countless nights sitting in my room reading out loud to work through my pronunciations, or sitting with my grandmother on the porch working through math problems. This early work I did to focus on my academics led me to a focus on complex material and a drive for self improvement. I have carried this with me and it has been part of my decision to go to law school.

Living with epilepsy made normal things that children do a nightmare for my parents. I gradually grew to understand the fear my parents had for me growing up, especially now that my younger brother has also been diagnosed with epilepsy and I am old enough to fully comprehend the seriousness of the condition. One of the worst things I have had to come to terms with is that I could pass my condition on to my children.

In an effort to give back to my community and to share what I have learned through the time I dealt with epilepsy, I worked at a local therapeutic horse riding center for several years. Helping children living with disabilities ranging from mild autism to extreme cases of cerebral palsy led to a leadership position at the summer camp. This early leadership experience helped me to grow as an individual and reflecting on the issues that these children faced inspired me to take the fortunate position of overcoming my disability and use that to inspire others.

I have taken to heart the need for giving back through my own experiences with epilepsy and through the service projects I have done that has led me to several projects for my campus community. The contributions I make in the office of student conduct have provided me with the most growth and insight. Sitting on student conduct cases is often very hard, I have to deal with people who are sometimes facing expulsion and suspension from the university and emotions can flare. I see a whole different side of the university volunteering and working on the student conduct board, and it has really opened my heart to the university community.

The obstacles I have overcome and the service I have given has helped point me towards the legal field, because I do not want to deal with easy problems, I want to deal with the complex. I want to work on the legal issues that people with disabilities face. I want to work on the issues that I see come before the student conduct board where there is no simple answer, where you have to analyze everything and make real practical decisions. I want to continue to grow and improve myself and my community. this is the very essence of the Legal field to me, making hard choices, working through difficult problems. The grey areas that exist in a pluralistic world are what make this career so challenging and exciting for me. If the world was black and white there would be no need for lawyers, this profession exists because of the complexities of life, and I want to research and work in an area where I can make real practical differences.

[pancakes3]

Is about a B- attempt for a PS for a Med School application. I don't know why you want to go to law school though.

I want to work on the legal issues that people with disabilities face. I want to work on the issues that I see come before the student conduct board where there is no simple answer, where you have to analyze everything and make real practical decisions.

If you talked more about whatever these sentences allude to in detail, it would probably make for a better law school essay.

[shump92]

A few things. One, it is definitely fine that you are focusing on something before college but the transition to emphasizing how that has impacted you during UG was good.

Two, I don't think you should mention the impact on you going to law school so early because that was a huge signal that you were going to talk about law school. But what you actually did was reflect on your condition. Change that sentence to flow into what you actually talk about afterwards.

Three, the first four paragraphs did a good job of providing specific details but the last two were disappointing, especially the conclusion. I wanted you to do more to explain exactly why you wanted to work on those problems instead of using so much space to describe them. I feel like your first five lines should have been a sentence or maybe two. It comes off as you are saying that you want to be a lawyer because the challenges seem fun. I never felt like you were relating that back well to epilepsy.

[BasilHallward]

I didn't read through all of the suggestions, but the grammar here needs to be overhauled. C,O,M,M,A,S.

[Glasseyes]

To echo lots of what has been said: grammar, first and foremost. I struggle to read anything with obvious grammar issues, and most of your issues boil down to missing commas, serial commas (which should be either semi-colons or periods, or rephrased altogether), and missing or misused words. One glaring grammar issue will probably sink you faster than a clean-but-boring PS because it shows that you're not paying attention to detail.

Second, what everyone else is saying about your overall theme and structure is spot on. You can approach a PS in many ways, but I found it helpful to try and craft an actual thesis that hits at the end of the first paragraph. If you follow this format, anything you put in that first paragraph still functions as an effective introduction, but it needs to naturally lead to the thesis, and that thesis needs to tie into why you want to go to law school. Signalling to law school briefly then moving on is probably not a strong enough thesis, which is what you've done in the updated 2nd paragraph. That said, it's a start. Articulating why you want to go to law school is one of the hardest parts of the law school process, and you'll do it again every time you meet someone at a firm or go on an interview, so you might as well put in the effort to make sense of your answer now. Good luck!

P.S. If you find you cannot articulate any kind of viable answer for "why law school," it's a good sign that you shouldn't go to law school. That's not a negative at all, either; better to figure it out in advance and save yourself from the unending stress and financial devastation that comes part and parcel with the law school experience (and that's assuming a "good" outcome). The title of this thread suggests you've got the right mentality. Again, good luck!