Proud of My Recent Personal Statement Draft - Come Crush My Spirit With Criticism Forum

TheSpanishMain · Post by **TheSpanishMain** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 7:44 am

My reaction to reading this is "this guy is trying way too hard." I mean, stuff like this:

I can now take solace, however, in the fact that this dramatic event permanently expanded my purview beyond the immediate concerns of my own life and revealed the presence of the intense passion that had been lingering in my psyche, long awaiting such an outrage to invoke its zeal.

is pretty cringeworthy. You're clearly straining to be eloquent and it comes off as forced and unnatural.

urbanist11 · Post by **urbanist11** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 8:27 am

Post removed.

barley · Post by **barley** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 10:39 am

I also agree with the above two posters. You have a lot of excessively long and convoluted sentences, and you could probably cut the first paragraph in half without losing anything.

I also think you come off as very academic - not necessarily a bad thing, but you talk about how you prefer applied sociology and actually improving rather than just studying society, but don't provide examples of concrete actions you've taken to do that outside of the classroom to do that. I'm sure you've listed them in your resume, but without highlighting them here it seems like you're "talking the talk without walking the walk", if that makes sense. If you're a K-JD without significant work of volunteer experience, how about highlighting specific programs at the law school that you want to use as a launching point to improve society?

Finally, your story about Troy Davis made me think that you wanted to be a public defender or something, or work at an Innocence Project, but then you go on to talk more about lawmaking/policy. I get that there is a connection, but I want you to tell me what that connection is.

nreese970 · Post by **nreese970** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 11:40 am

Concurring with the other posters. It's well written, but it feels inauthentic because of the verbose language. As a reader, the thought that pops into my mind is, "bullshit." I know that's harsh but that's my gut reaction.

There's nothing wrong with using colorful language but when every word is accentuated by a thesaurus and what we learn about you is through general platitudes, it doesn't give a feel for who you are. It feels like you're hiding, which calls into question whether anything your'e saying is authentic.

Here's an example: "my focus has been centered on the study of society," or, "through studying the many social ills long neglected by society," or, "I will meaningfully contribute to its pledge to seek justice where there is none and preserve justice where it is under assault."

Really? Or were you just a sociology major? In what way were you "studying the many social ills" outside of what your class work required? Instead of implying that you read peer-reviewed articles in your spare time, it sounds more like you're attempting to inflate a degree from Arizona State to storming the beaches of Omaha. Everyone had majors that talked about important topics. And maybe you have read peer reviewed articles. If so, that's great! Talk about it! What they want is specifics and being specific is going to come across as authentic. Not general platitudes.

What sounds more real: "I became a sociology major because I care about the plight of the downtrodden. Through many years of study I have built a passion for solving the problem of homelessness, which is why I want to pursue a legal education." Or: "Every Saturday I help my friend James at the homeless shelter. He told me about what it was like coming home from Vietnam and where he sleeps every night. I've seen how the criminal justice system took advantage of him, which is why I want to defend people like James in my career." Granted I wrote this in about 10 seconds so they're not well written, but you get the point. I believe the second person actually gives a shit about homeless people and isn't just making up a story to get into my school. Now add fancy words to that first one, and it begins to sound a lot like your piece. I'm sorry if that sounds offensive.

Unfortunately, the only thing I can see to get around these problems is to rewrite about a topic you're more tangibly connected to. I know that sucks, but if you don't rewrite your personal statement at least once I think you're probably not focusing on it enough. I think mine took three full different versions and countless edits before I ended up at vers 3.91 or whatever it would have been.

Lastly, and I think this one is pretty important, I think you need to attach what you want to do in your personal statement to what that particular school offers. Not just (insert school here). This means you really have to customize the last paragraph to each school. That's what I did for mine. I know it's a pain in the ass, but it really makes them feel like you actually want to go to school there when you bring up their law clinics, their location, your relation to the school, their expertise, etc. Even bring up a visit if it's connectable to the story. People love reading about themselves and law professors are certainly no different.

TLDR; In concurrence with the others. Ground your platitudes down to things you've done and with experiences you've had with concrete examples. And lastly, "think succinct" in your writing--even to the micro level. Does this word actually add anything substantive to the phrase, to the sentence, and to the paragraph? Is this sentence important and is that information relevant to my story? And connect things to the school you're applying to.

rnoodles · Post by **rnoodles** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 11:44 am

Personal Statement Protip: Write more like Hemingway and less like Faulkner.

pancakes3 · Post by **pancakes3** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 11:47 am

I will meaningfully contribute to its pledge to seek justice where there is none and preserve justice where it is under assault.

I mean, you're applying to law school, not the justice league.

basedvulpes · Post by **basedvulpes** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 11:51 am

Post removed.

whacka · Post by **whacka** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 11:52 am

Post removed.

urbanist11 · Post by **urbanist11** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 12:03 pm

Post removed.

Eee666 · Post by **Eee666** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 12:35 pm

You should try to be sincere. If in your heart of hearts you really talk/think like that then there are big disappointments ahead of you in life. "I owe it to Troy Davis." This sounds ghoulish and pandering. If anyone on the adcom is actually involved with innocence project/similar work I imagine their stomachs would churn.

nreese970 · Post by **nreese970** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 1:27 pm

whacka wrote:
I can now take solace, however, in the fact that...
This is a little nit-picky, but if this guy's death was such a tragedy for you, the fact that you now know you want to go to law school shouldn't be enough to console you. It either trivializes the death or falsely elevates your own importance (remember, this is for someone else to read. Even if you think some good came out of this execution, others probably will not think so.) I know that this isn't what you were going for, this is just what it sounds like.

I've reread it a few times now and each time I read it I feel like he gives less and less of a shit about Troy Davis.

OP, do you actually care about Troy Davis? Did his story actually drive you to want to be a lawyer?

ClubberLang · Post by **ClubberLang** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 4:59 pm

Surely there is something about you that is more interesting than being upset by an execution and studying sociology. Write about that, in plain language. Realistically it doesn't matter much for admissions, but the sooner you learn your writing sucks the better.

fieryking · Post by **fieryking** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 8:02 pm

lmao.. so ingenuine and forced

just chill teh fk out bruh

benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 8:47 pm

Post removed.

Oskosh · Post by **Oskosh** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 9:20 pm

Damn, I feel pretty bad for OP. Severely roasted, but come on guys... The first few posts would have sufficed.

benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 9:22 pm

Post removed.

benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 9:23 pm

Post removed.

Oskosh · Post by **Oskosh** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 9:31 pm

benwyatt wrote:
Oskosh wrote:Damn, I feel pretty bad for OP. Severely roasted, but come on guys... The first few posts would have sufficed.
I mean, OP did ask to have their spirit crushed.

I just read the sentence where he talks about taking solace, and laughed. haha. I felt bad after the fact, though.

lymenheimer · Post by **lymenheimer** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 9:50 pm

I'm not sure that the "(blank law school)" part will earn you many points. I feel like most of the adcomms like to know that you at least thought to put in their school's name. But what do I care, I'm not the police.

benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 9:58 pm

Post removed.

lymenheimer · Post by **lymenheimer** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 10:05 pm

benwyatt wrote: I hope you're just trolling?
I'm pretty sure that OP is going to put each law school's name there.

Is that what Kaplan would suggest they do? I should've charged for that.

Smantz · Post by **Smantz** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 10:19 pm

The prose felt so forced that I could hardly keep reading. My take is that a reader would assume you are trying to mask a weak connection between the event and your desire to go to law school. You will probably engender a lot of contempt with this PS. start over.

hairbear7 · Post by **hairbear7** » Fri Jul 17, 2015 10:28 pm

Okay everyone can stop now

RationalHeretic23 · Post by **RationalHeretic23** » Sat Jul 18, 2015 11:28 am

benwyatt wrote:
Oskosh wrote:Damn, I feel pretty bad for OP. Severely roasted, but come on guys... The first few posts would have sufficed.
I mean, OP did ask to have their spirit crushed.

You're right, I did. I really appreciate all the feedback I've been given here. I didn't post here for people to hold my hand and boost my ego. I've re-read this draft after sleeping on it and reading all of the feedback and I definitely agree with what has been said. I really struggle with the formality of my writing, which makes writing a personal statement difficult. Again, I really appreciate the advice & criticism you guys have provided. I'll go back to the drawing board and work on my writing style. Thank you all again.