metaphor essay, too risky? pls critique rough draft Forum

[Anonymous User]

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[Anonymous User]

PLEASE DO NOT QUOTE

[chuckbass]

The first half reads as a sort of boring cover letter then abruptly shifts in tone. I think the whole thing comes off as disjointed to me.

I think metaphors can be great, but I don't think this is used well here and would scrap that idea. It doesn't relate at all.

[Mr. Elshal]

The first half reads as a sort of boring cover letter then abruptly shifts in tone. I think the whole thing comes off as disjointed to me.

I think metaphors can be great, but I don't think this is used well here and would scrap that idea. It doesn't relate at all.

I'll second this. What you posted looks like a few disjointed excerpts from throughout a long book. It doesn't read like an essay and the metaphor doesn't really seem to have that much to do with what you're saying. Definitely not enough to warrant the amount of space you're dedicating to it.

Also, the phrase, "I am a geologist of sorts," sounds weird because based on your essay it does not seem like you are a geologist. The only basis you give for that statement is that you like the small rocks at the Grand Canyon. If you're trying to say you're a "geologist of life" or something like that, don't.

Based on paragraphs 2 and 3, it seems like you probably have a compelling story to tell, but the way you've written it I don't understand at all why you want to go to law school or why you belong (or would thrive) in a law school environment. What does law school have to do with changing your community and what tools/skills would law skill give you to help you accomplish that (that you can't get elsewhere or don't already have)? Your choice to go to law school definitely seems like more of a "haphazard occurrence" than a "carefully cultivated investment."

[Anonymous User]

OP here:

thank you for those comments. I think I tried being a little too cute with the metaphor and that back fired. i will try to incorporate a better story. will post on here again once i write another draft

[chuckbass]

OP here:

thank you for those comments. I think I tried being a little too cute with the metaphor and that back fired. i will try to incorporate a better story. will post on here again once i write another draft

Ok good luck. Sorry if advice on here can come off as harsh, but it's for your benefit.

[Anonymous User]

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