Please critique PS - Helping a man to read Forum

[Anonymous User]

deleted

[HRomanus]

Nope. Couldn't even understand the narrative with your cutesy stuff dominating it.

[Big Red]

.

[GreenEggs]

Honestly, my personal statement isn't all that great, but I think this is pretty poor and needs to be totally re-worked.

First of all... what is that beginning... It seems like either a screenplay or something Henry James wrote. The narrative structure doesn't really work, especially since all I've really learned for the first 70% of this is about him and his life experience with you throwing in allusions to your tears.

The "I am no longer in pain as I stare into the mirror. The numbness is gone and the memories slowly fade," made me groan. I don't understand why you were in India in the first place.

I think you have a really strong story here, and an impressive "action" that you took with raising the money. But develop that story more and delete the first 50%.

Again, just my 2 cents.

[Gefuehlsecht]

No. Just no.

[Anonymous User]

OP here: thank you for the comments. I took a look at the example personal statements are only now realize HOW SHITTY this was. I'm going to work on another draft today and see how it goes. thanks yall