Please read - I'm trying something a bit different. Forum

[Alembic_of_Man]

I’ve got my Benny Goodman on and I’m swing dancing with my shadow. It’s always too quiet so I crank up the volume to “You’ve Turned the Tables on Me” and grin the lyrics out as I flail across my kitchen floor. My balance has never been stellar, my twin kicked around my spine in utero and left me lacking in dexterity. Still, when my only audience is that groovy track, I feel we have a mutual understanding and shake on.
I’ve got six hours to complete my final essay for my undergraduate career – I’m deconstructing William Wordsworth’s concept of knowledge and wisdom. Alongside this, there’s studying for a final in another class, preparations for the graduation ceremony, contacting my intern coordinator in Washington DC – finding a place to live in Washington DC – cleaning up to move out of my apartment, and making it to my final shift at Chevron. There is stuff to do! The thick air of excitement permeates my silent room and smears my face with a foolish grin.
I’ve got a fantastic boyfriend in Washington, DC. He’s into reality television, I’m more of a Fritz Lang kind of guy. My man eventually took me in when my pharmaceutical-addicted landlady began threatening and harassing me. While living with him, I attempted to have my parents meet him to no avail. They’ve known about my sexual orientation for seven years but their religious affiliation has quaked a fissure between us. I don’t let it get me down; my boyfriend is my hero! There isn’t enough time to dwell on bigotry when the sound of his voice brightens the room.
I’ve got employment with Horizon Air, a regional airline based in Seattle. I’m lucky to be working – I need to begin saving for law school! The name of the game is customer service and I’ve been in the industry since I was seventeen. Over the years I’ve developed my own personal spin on service: I’m just a guy – you’re just a customer. No hierarchy, no condescension, no stiff robotic conversations. Admittedly, much of my philosophy stems from the Sociology courses I took in college. I solve problems for over two hundred people a day and each person promises a new opportunity to help – or, a Meadean sense, a chance to build a more meaningful reality. Many of my coworkers who have worked the industry far longer than I shrug the notion off and have given me the moniker “Fresh”. One coworker even told me “You work here long enough, we’ll wipe that smile off your face for sure!” I replied in earnest, telling him I’ve worked with clients for many years and that it’s simply who I am.
I’ve got a grin! My life has been blessed with obstacles of all shapes and sizes. As far back as I can remember, tomorrow has tugged my sleeve and promised a brighter day. This may read as cooky and sentimental, but it is the reality I have chosen. Whether in Thousand Oaks, Bellingham, Seattle, or Washington DC, I am adamant on the verge of stubbornness to foster an optimistic atmosphere; after all, negativity never has and never will overpower negativity. Again, this axiom is my reality and in my life I have experienced its veracity.
Enthusiasm rests in my back pocket and I will carry it with me into the legal career; it’s only one Benny Goodman track away. All I require now lays in the hands of a university seeking out somebody Fresh.

[rinkrat19]

Way, way, way, way, WAY too informal. By like three orders of magnitude.

It's a cute read, but contractions, stream-of-consciousness sloppy grammar, exclamation points, and overuse of slangy phrasing like "get me down" and "shake on" reduce it to a blog post, not an application essay.

[ikethegremlin]

Way, way, way, way, WAY too informal. By like three orders of magnitude.

It's a cute read, but contractions, stream-of-consciousness sloppy grammar, exclamation points, and overuse of slangy phrasing like "get me down" and "shake on" reduce it to a blog post, not an application essay.

Agreed.

You actually write really well, and I suspect you will have no problems with your PS once you have tried a few avenues and spent some serious time on it. However, this is definitely too far out there in terms of a) tone & b) relevance.

Although a PS shouldn't be a 'why law school' or a restatement of your resume, talking about your boyfriend and your passion for dance is probably too many steps removed from those topics without some serious justifying context.

Really enjoyed the piece on its own merits, though. Makes a change from the usual stuff.

[Alembic_of_Man]

That's great advice. I suppose the informal approach was my method of standing out, being casual - in my essay I touch on the sociological philosophy I try to utilize with customers: remove as many automated or scripted elements so as to foster a more meaningful and human interaction. That is why I attempted to write my essay in a similar fashion to how I would speak in an interview process. I've read that these essays are meant to be a kind of replacement for an interview.

BUT that doesn't accept me to write like a child! So I am very grateful for your input, I suppose it's simply a very fine line that needs to be drawn. As I wrote in my essay, I am an enthusiastic and optimistic guy and I'm hoping that will stand out in the admittedly grey-scale world of law school.


Also, thank you Ike for the further input. I suppose the dancing and the boyfriend were my...rather subversive methods of showing that I'm a UMR without flat out stating "Hey I'm gay lemme in plz" and that I have a disability "Hey my spines outta whack i'm special lemme in plz". Also, both topics are examples of the types of adversity I've had to overcome. The tough part is making these examples relate to my theme of optimism without a) sounding irrelevant or b) sounding like pandering.

once again, fine line!


EDIT: Also, I know the final paragraph ends like BLAT. I know I need to work more on the ending, it's just that I'm awful at writing endings and get afraid that I'll begin dragging my feet around echoing the theme over and over like some lovelorn ghost. Bleh!

[mist4bison]

.