second draft Forum

[Anonymous User]

After receiving some advice about the first edit, here's the second draft... trying to get closer to the final as this is the last thing holding me back from submitting my applications!

My hands were caked in flour and blue food coloring; my forehead was starting to bead with perspiration but I couldn’t stop. Everything had to be perfect for the party and most importantly, my 80’s Rubik’s cube cake had to look exactly like the real thing. I was in charge of planning an 80’s dance for the Special Education class at my high school. It was their prom night, and it was up to me to make sure everything was “totally 80’s”. I spent hours crafting that cake and along with the help of my peers, created a wall sized Pacman scene to make the dance even more special. The room ended up looking great, but it was the look on their faces that was breathtaking. It was a look that I still remember to this day and will never forget. My outlook on life was forever changed by what I had seen when I watched ten students having the time of their lives.
After that dance, something in me was different. I learned about what true hardships in life are and became more fortunate for the life I have. I was able to attend my high school prom, I have been blessed to have 20/20 vision and I have been lucky enough to attend a university and received my degree. Many people, like the students I planned the dance for, are not as fortunate, yet have such a positive outlook on life. I have since embodied that positive outlook that these students possessed. I no longer take my life or possibilities for granted. I wake up each morning excited to be alive and healthy. I live my life to the fullest whether that be hiking Yosemite, or taking a Stand Up Paddle Boarding class. Prior to that day, I only did the bare minimum to get by.
Though I may have decent eyesight, I can say with subtle shame that I also possessed tunnel vision in high school. I only could see what was within my little bubble called life. I focused on my friends, my family, school, and cheerleading. Nothing else was relevant or important. But that metaphorical bubble popped at that dance, and I have since become fully aware of the world. Seeing how I affected those students, students that I never even noticed, opened my eyes to others around me. I started to see the world for its positives and harsh realities, which led me to develop an interest in public interest.
I developed a strong sense of patience after planning and working with the Special Education teachers and students. For weeks I watched teachers interact with the students and it was at the dance that I found admiration for how kind and patient they were. I decided that day to dedicate myself to improving my patience because I knew that it is an admirable and excellent trait to obtain. I can now see how my patience has grown exponentially every day. Before, I would get impatient tutoring my friends in math, I couldn’t comprehend how they didn’t understand what I was saying and I would get easily frustrated. But now as my classroom president, I am calm and willing to even explain things from a different perspective to help my team members when they’ve got questions.
One thing that has not changed about me since that day is how much I exemplify dedication. Like that Rubik’s cube cake in high school, I continue to go above and beyond with every task that I am given whether at school or work. In particular, my experience working at Embassy Suites illustrates this. While there, I went above and beyond my front desk duties and shadowed every manager in each department. I did this because I felt like it would give me a better understanding of the hotel and allow me to be a better employee in my department. This was not required by the property, but my dedication to my job pushed me to do so. I will bring this same dedication that I had for the 80’s dance and my job to law school and to my clients.
Planning the 80’s dance for the Special Education class really opened my eyes to the world. Because of it, I developed a passion for helping others. It is a passion that I hope to now turn into a career through public interest law. By becoming a public interest attorney, I will have the opportunity to really help the people around me whether that be helping a young child have access to a safe home and proper education, or helping a veteran have access to fair employment. I know that my positive attitude, my strong sense of dedication, and my patient personality will help me in the public interest field of law.

[Anonymous User]

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[RCSOB657]

I have to be honest, you're overusing the Sp Ed title a lot. Can you just not say the kids and teachers I worked with, after the first Sp Ed?

[kevgogators]

I understand what you're aiming for with this PS...but it's far too repetitive and lacks some serious structure.

Just my two cents.

[Anonymous User]

I understand what you're aiming for with this PS...but it's far too repetitive and lacks some serious structure.

Just my two cents.

Thanks.. Any advice on how to make it more structured?

[Anonymous User]

any advice on how to structure this essay a bit? I would like to submit my applications asap so any additional feedback would be great!

[hillz]

I might be able to help you. I work better in a Word doc where you can see the changes I've made so if you want me to edit, feel free to PM and I'll give you my email.