Rough draft. I'm very uncertain about it. Critique please? Forum

[rustyburger2]

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[fats provolone]

i'm not sure about the community reference, but i like the theme of being inspired by getting clowned on

[rustyburger2]

i'm not sure about the community reference, but i like the theme of being inspired by getting clowned on

Thanks! Yeah, the community reference is definitely the aspect that I'm most uncertain about. I thought it was a very relevant quote, and maybe referencing a TV show would "lighten the mood" a bit? I dunno, it just sounded like a potentially interesting idea to me- albeit a risky one.

[lnick93]

Although I do like the idea that you are learning from a really rough situation, I think basing your PS on an experience you had when you were 14 is a stretch.I understand that you are telling a story, but finding a way to tie that story into what you have done later in life (UG or any WE) would probably be a good idea for law school apps.

[rustyburger2]

Although I do like the idea that you are learning from a really rough situation, I think basing your PS on an experience you had when you were 14 is a stretch.I understand that you are telling a story, but finding a way to tie that story into what you have done later in life (UG or any WE) would probably be a good idea for law school apps.

Another thing I was worried about. Thanks!

[kevgogators]

Of the many statements I've read on TLS, this is among my favorites. It has an intriguing hook and also manages to retain reader interest. I also appreciate the structure of it.

With that said, I don't love the ketchup quote in the last paragraph-- it is undoubtedly the weakest point of your PS. I'm not sure what show you are referring to, but it didn't feel..."inspiring" enough. Perhaps my opinion would change if I were familiar with the character, but you can't assume the admissions officer would recognize it anyway.

Just my two cents. Good job overall.

[rustyburger2]

Of the many statements I've read on TLS, this is among my favorites. It has an intriguing hook and also manages to retain reader interest. I also appreciate the structure of it.

With that said, I don't love the ketchup quote in the last paragraph-- it is undoubtedly the weakest point of your PS. I'm not sure what show you are referring to, but it didn't feel..."inspiring" enough. Perhaps my opinion would change if I were familiar with the character, but you can't assume the admissions officer would recognize it anyway.

Just my two cents. Good job overall.

Thanks, that's great to hear! The quote was definitely the thing I was most hesitant about. After reading your comment, and the other comment on here about it, I think I'm going to remove it.