very rough draft personal statement. Need help! please read! Forum

[ariel_917]

Growing up with a police officer as a father and a school teacher as a mother meant a lifestyle of order and morals. Being the child of a law enforcer also made me realize the importance of abiding by the laws that were in place whether I agreed with them or not. I always thought that it was strange that my father would confess his hatred for police officers when he was growing up until he finally revealed that he had joined the force in an effort to be the “good cop” in a sea full of corrupt ones that he had witnessed in his poverty stricken neighborhood. However, I could still see a sense of disappointment behind his eyes as the years went by. I could feel the exhaustion and the disappearance of the spirit he once had when discussing his profession. My father had not known that his desire for change had rubbed off onto his little girl.
I spent many years, contemplating joining the police academy and picking up where my father had left off. I witnessed so many friends and family fall victim to the justice system as my father had witnessed when he was growing up. It didn’t take long for me to realize that these injustices, the mass incarceration surrounding me and the corruption could not be changed in the way my father had thought. My desire lied in changing the law rather than working alongside it. My father’s hopelessness had come from swimming with the current while I wanted to fight it and change its direction.
While I had not known exactly how I would fulfill my desire, I knew that I had to follow this passion. I knew that I could not live a life that did not give back to the community that made me. No one would ever look at me and see my father’s disappointment behind my eyes. The law had always been of great importance in my household and I fell in love with the thought of enforcing laws that I actually stood for. I also fell in love with research and used research as a guide to help me in my journey. It did not take long for me to realize that public interest law was what I had been seeking all along. Countless hours interning with the Southern Legal Counsel where I witnessed cases involving the injustices of my own community’s high schools.
My senior thesis was on the case in Tulia, Texas where 46 men and women were sentenced to life sentences with no evidence. I looked at the faces of these victims who, if it had not been for Public Interest Lawyers, would have spent their life behind bars. These victim’s faces that looked so similar to the faces of my loved ones. Many have unsuccessfully attempted to deter me from my choice of field with an argument based on money. However, I am determined to only fight for laws that I stand for.

[sparty99]

Growing up with a police officer as a father and a school teacher as a mother meant a lifestyle of order and morals. Being the child of a law enforcer also made me realize the importance of abiding by the laws that were in place whether I agreed with them or not. I always thought that it was strange that my father would confess his hatred for police officers when he was growing up until he finally revealed that he had joined the force in an effort to be the “good cop” in a sea full of corrupt ones that he had witnessed in his poverty stricken neighborhood. However, I could still see a sense of disappointment behind his eyes as the years went by. I could feel the exhaustion and the disappearance of the spirit he once had when discussing his profession. My father had not known that his desire for change had rubbed off onto his little girl.
I spent many years, contemplating joining the police academy and picking up where my father had left off. I witnessed so many friends and family fall victim to the justice system as my father had witnessed when he was growing up. It didn’t take long for me to realize that these injustices, the mass incarceration surrounding me and the corruption could not be changed in the way my father had thought. My desire lied in changing the law rather than working alongside it. My father’s hopelessness had come from swimming with the current while I wanted to fight it and change its direction.
While I had not known exactly how I would fulfill my desire, I knew that I had to follow this passion. I knew that I could not live a life that did not give back to the community that made me. No one would ever look at me and see my father’s disappointment behind my eyes. The law had always been of great importance in my household and I fell in love with the thought of enforcing laws that I actually stood for. I also fell in love with research and used research as a guide to help me in my journey. It did not take long for me to realize that public interest law was what I had been seeking all along. Countless hours interning with the Southern Legal Counsel where I witnessed cases involving the injustices of my own community’s high schools.
My senior thesis was on the case in Tulia, Texas where 46 men and women were sentenced to life sentences with no evidence. I looked at the faces of these victims who, if it had not been for public interest lawyers, would have spent their life behind bars. These victim’s faces that looked so similar to the faces of my loved ones. Many have unsuccessfully attempted to deter me from my choice of field with an argument based on money. However, I am determined to only fight for laws that I stand for.

My initial thought is that your english is poor. Is English your second language? You have a good topic. Your dad was a police officer. But you need to go more into your background? Where the hell did you live? What is your ethnic background? Poverty stricken? Are we talking about Mexico City? You saw the disappointment behind your fathers ears? STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. That doesn't make any sense. Don't write in metaphors. Write in PLAIN ENGLISH. Every sentence must be clear. You write, "I witnessed so many friends and family fall victim to the justice system as my father had witnessed when he was growing up. It didn’t take long for me to realize that these injustices, the mass incarceration surrounding me and the corruption could not be changed in the way my father had ." How the hell did they fall victim? What did they do? What injustices? HOW?! WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, HOW. You need to start using that and stop with this cursory language. This is my initial reaction. But most definitely, you need to have someone else proof read your writing because the english was not strong. I am concerned that you might really struggle in law school or as a lawyer where strong writing skills is critical. Don't let the admissions committee think the same.

[ariel_917]

Growing up with a police officer as a father and a school teacher as a mother meant a lifestyle of order and morals. Being the child of a law enforcer also made me realize the importance of abiding by the laws that were in place whether I agreed with them or not. I always thought that it was strange that my father would confess his hatred for police officers when he was growing up until he finally revealed that he had joined the force in an effort to be the “good cop” in a sea full of corrupt ones that he had witnessed in his poverty stricken neighborhood. However, I could still see a sense of disappointment behind his eyes as the years went by. I could feel the exhaustion and the disappearance of the spirit he once had when discussing his profession. My father had not known that his desire for change had rubbed off onto his little girl.
I spent many years, contemplating joining the police academy and picking up where my father had left off. I witnessed so many friends and family fall victim to the justice system as my father had witnessed when he was growing up. It didn’t take long for me to realize that these injustices, the mass incarceration surrounding me and the corruption could not be changed in the way my father had thought. My desire lied in changing the law rather than working alongside it. My father’s hopelessness had come from swimming with the current while I wanted to fight it and change its direction.
While I had not known exactly how I would fulfill my desire, I knew that I had to follow this passion. I knew that I could not live a life that did not give back to the community that made me. No one would ever look at me and see my father’s disappointment behind my eyes. The law had always been of great importance in my household and I fell in love with the thought of enforcing laws that I actually stood for. I also fell in love with research and used research as a guide to help me in my journey. It did not take long for me to realize that public interest law was what I had been seeking all along. Countless hours interning with the Southern Legal Counsel where I witnessed cases involving the injustices of my own community’s high schools.
My senior thesis was on the case in Tulia, Texas where 46 men and women were sentenced to life sentences with no evidence. I looked at the faces of these victims who, if it had not been for public interest lawyers, would have spent their life behind bars. These victim’s faces that looked so similar to the faces of my loved ones. Many have unsuccessfully attempted to deter me from my choice of field with an argument based on money. However, I am determined to only fight for laws that I stand for.

My initial thought is that your english is poor. Is English your second language? You have a good topic. Your dad was a police officer. But you need to go more into your background? Where the hell did you live? What is your ethnic background? Poverty stricken? Are we talking about Mexico City? You saw the disappointment behind your fathers ears? STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. That doesn't make any sense. Don't write in metaphors. Write in PLAIN ENGLISH. Every sentence must be clear. You write, "I witnessed so many friends and family fall victim to the justice system as my father had witnessed when he was growing up. It didn’t take long for me to realize that these injustices, the mass incarceration surrounding me and the corruption could not be changed in the way my father had ." How the hell did they fall victim? What did they do? What injustices? HOW?! WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, HOW. You need to start using that and stop with this cursory language. This is my initial reaction. But most definitely, you need to have someone else proof read your writing because the english was not strong. I am concerned that you might really struggle in law school or as a lawyer where strong writing skills is critical. Don't let the admissions committee think the same.

The rudeness of your critique was unecessary but thanks

[Ramius]

Growing up with a police officer as a father and a school teacher as a mother meant a lifestyle of order and morals. Being the child of a law enforcer also made me realize the importance of abiding by the laws that were in place whether I agreed with them or not. I always thought that it was strange that my father would confess his hatred for police officers when he was growing up until he finally revealed that he had joined the force in an effort to be the “good cop” in a sea full of corrupt ones that he had witnessed in his poverty stricken neighborhood. However, I could still see a sense of disappointment behind his eyes as the years went by. I could feel the exhaustion and the disappearance of the spirit he once had when discussing his profession. My father had not known that his desire for change had rubbed off onto his little girl.
I spent many years, contemplating joining the police academy and picking up where my father had left off. I witnessed so many friends and family fall victim to the justice system as my father had witnessed when he was growing up. It didn’t take long for me to realize that these injustices, the mass incarceration surrounding me and the corruption could not be changed in the way my father had thought. My desire lied in changing the law rather than working alongside it. My father’s hopelessness had come from swimming with the current while I wanted to fight it and change its direction.
While I had not known exactly how I would fulfill my desire, I knew that I had to follow this passion. I knew that I could not live a life that did not give back to the community that made me. No one would ever look at me and see my father’s disappointment behind my eyes. The law had always been of great importance in my household and I fell in love with the thought of enforcing laws that I actually stood for. I also fell in love with research and used research as a guide to help me in my journey. It did not take long for me to realize that public interest law was what I had been seeking all along. Countless hours interning with the Southern Legal Counsel where I witnessed cases involving the injustices of my own community’s high schools.
My senior thesis was on the case in Tulia, Texas where 46 men and women were sentenced to life sentences with no evidence. I looked at the faces of these victims who, if it had not been for public interest lawyers, would have spent their life behind bars. These victim’s faces that looked so similar to the faces of my loved ones. Many have unsuccessfully attempted to deter me from my choice of field with an argument based on money. However, I am determined to only fight for laws that I stand for.

My initial thought is that your english is poor. Is English your second language? You have a good topic. Your dad was a police officer. But you need to go more into your background? Where the hell did you live? What is your ethnic background? Poverty stricken? Are we talking about Mexico City? You saw the disappointment behind your fathers ears? STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. That doesn't make any sense. Don't write in metaphors. Write in PLAIN ENGLISH. Every sentence must be clear. You write, "I witnessed so many friends and family fall victim to the justice system as my father had witnessed when he was growing up. It didn’t take long for me to realize that these injustices, the mass incarceration surrounding me and the corruption could not be changed in the way my father had ." How the hell did they fall victim? What did they do? What injustices? HOW?! WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, HOW. You need to start using that and stop with this cursory language. This is my initial reaction. But most definitely, you need to have someone else proof read your writing because the english was not strong. I am concerned that you might really struggle in law school or as a lawyer where strong writing skills is critical. Don't let the admissions committee think the same.

The rudeness of your critique was unecessary but thanks

His message is good though. Your English was rough. You have run-on sentences, misused verbage, and tenses that befuddle.

You really need to take the time to focus on sending a coherent message, because you built your entire PS on ethos, but it's lost on anyone who gets at all caught up on the way the message is presented.

I don't want to call this a scrap, but you seriously need to refine your message to get across something important about you.

[alexrodriguez]

They were a bit rude in their comments, but this is definitely rough.

It's not so much that you are writing poorly, or maybe it is, but it's that I feel no emotional connection to something that reads like I'm supposed to have an emotional connection too.

I'm guessing you didn't major in English. I'm guessing something like Legal Studies, Criminal Justice, or like Social Work or something.

But yeah, I see where these other two are coming from... if this was one of my workshop classes back in UG they would have tore you up.

I don't think you should focus on your father so much in this. I think you really need to dive into this: Countless hours interning with the Southern Legal Counsel where I witnessed cases involving the injustices of my own community’s high schools."

This is where your focus should be. You have to be honest and open. Tell us what really happened here. Don't hold back or think we don't care about some trivial detail. Those details are what will make the Personal Statement personal.

[alexrodriguez]

[I always thought that it was strange that my father would confess his hatred for police officers when he was growing up until he finally revealed that he had joined the force in an effort to be the “good cop” in a sea full of corrupt ones that he had witnessed in his poverty stricken neighborhood.]

Just look at this sentence. First of all, if you really break it down, it doesn't even make sense.

There are plenty of things wrong with it, but lets start with a style issue.

"I always thought that it was strange" - this makes you sound like a blonde girl with ponytails who is constantly chewing bubble gum or like some stoner who is just like "yeah bro, I always thought that it was strange."

Why not just start with "My father would confess..." It sounds more direct and professional.

I also don't think you should talk about your father hating police officers. I don't think your father would appreciate that and even if he wouldn't care it makes him seem low to others. You want to impress the admissions committee... not have them think poorly of your father.

Also don't use the phrase, "In a sea full of..." This isn't a sixth grade poetry contest.

[ariel_917]

[I always thought that it was strange that my father would confess his hatred for police officers when he was growing up until he finally revealed that he had joined the force in an effort to be the “good cop” in a sea full of corrupt ones that he had witnessed in his poverty stricken neighborhood.]

Just look at this sentence. First of all, if you really break it down, it doesn't even make sense.

There are plenty of things wrong with it, but lets start with a style issue.

"I always thought that it was strange" - this makes you sound like a blonde girl with ponytails who is constantly chewing bubble gum or like some stoner who is just like "yeah bro, I always thought that it was strange."

Why not just start with "My father would confess..." It sounds more direct and professional.

I also don't think you should talk about your father hating police officers. I don't think your father would appreciate that and even if he wouldn't care it makes him seem low to others. You want to impress the admissions committee... not have them think poorly of your father.

Also don't use the phrase, "In a sea full of..." This isn't a sixth grade poetry contest.

Okay it seems like everyone is going crazy. This was written in literally 10 minutes while i was at work. This was put on here for advise about the content and not the grammar. THANKS

[ariel_917]

Growing up with a police officer as a father and a school teacher as a mother meant a lifestyle of order and morals. Being the child of a law enforcer also made me realize the importance of abiding by the laws that were in place whether I agreed with them or not. I always thought that it was strange that my father would confess his hatred for police officers when he was growing up until he finally revealed that he had joined the force in an effort to be the “good cop” in a sea full of corrupt ones that he had witnessed in his poverty stricken neighborhood. However, I could still see a sense of disappointment behind his eyes as the years went by. I could feel the exhaustion and the disappearance of the spirit he once had when discussing his profession. My father had not known that his desire for change had rubbed off onto his little girl.
I spent many years, contemplating joining the police academy and picking up where my father had left off. I witnessed so many friends and family fall victim to the justice system as my father had witnessed when he was growing up. It didn’t take long for me to realize that these injustices, the mass incarceration surrounding me and the corruption could not be changed in the way my father had thought. My desire lied in changing the law rather than working alongside it. My father’s hopelessness had come from swimming with the current while I wanted to fight it and change its direction.
While I had not known exactly how I would fulfill my desire, I knew that I had to follow this passion. I knew that I could not live a life that did not give back to the community that made me. No one would ever look at me and see my father’s disappointment behind my eyes. The law had always been of great importance in my household and I fell in love with the thought of enforcing laws that I actually stood for. I also fell in love with research and used research as a guide to help me in my journey. It did not take long for me to realize that public interest law was what I had been seeking all along. Countless hours interning with the Southern Legal Counsel where I witnessed cases involving the injustices of my own community’s high schools.
My senior thesis was on the case in Tulia, Texas where 46 men and women were sentenced to life sentences with no evidence. I looked at the faces of these victims who, if it had not been for public interest lawyers, would have spent their life behind bars. These victim’s faces that looked so similar to the faces of my loved ones. Many have unsuccessfully attempted to deter me from my choice of field with an argument based on money. However, I am determined to only fight for laws that I stand for.

My initial thought is that your english is poor. Is English your second language? You have a good topic. Your dad was a police officer. But you need to go more into your background? Where the hell did you live? What is your ethnic background? Poverty stricken? Are we talking about Mexico City? You saw the disappointment behind your fathers ears? STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. That doesn't make any sense. Don't write in metaphors. Write in PLAIN ENGLISH. Every sentence must be clear. You write, "I witnessed so many friends and family fall victim to the justice system as my father had witnessed when he was growing up. It didn’t take long for me to realize that these injustices, the mass incarceration surrounding me and the corruption could not be changed in the way my father had ." How the hell did they fall victim? What did they do? What injustices? HOW?! WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, HOW. You need to start using that and stop with this cursory language. This is my initial reaction. But most definitely, you need to have someone else proof read your writing because the english was not strong. I am concerned that you might really struggle in law school or as a lawyer where strong writing skills is critical. Don't let the admissions committee think the same.

The rudeness of your critique was unecessary but thanks

His message is good though. Your English was rough. You have run-on sentences, misused verbage, and tenses that befuddle.

You really need to take the time to focus on sending a coherent message, because you built your entire PS on ethos, but it's lost on anyone who gets at all caught up on the way the message is presented.

I don't want to call this a scrap, but you seriously need to refine your message to get across something important about you.

Maybe I should have put that this i titled this very rough draft because it was written in about 10 minutes while at work. I really want more critique on the topic.

[sparty99]

Maybe you should stop wasting people's time. You didn't even have the respect to write a well thought out essay. You wrote some garbage, threw it up against the wall and hoped it would stick. It didn't. Why should we critique your writing any further when you admitted that you didn't even take the time to write a strong essay. Stop being lazy and put some heart into this. Otherwise, enjoy your rejection letters.

[ariel_917]

[quote="sparty99"]Maybe you should stop wasting people's time. You didn't even have the respect to write a well thought out essay. You wrote some garbage, threw it up against the wall and hoped it would stick. It didn't. Why should we critique your writing any further when you admitted that you didn't even take the time to write a strong essay. Stop being lazy and put some heart into this. Otherwise, enjoy your rejection

Don't know how you got that out of what I said but thanks! Hope I didn't ruin your day too much yikes

[mist4bison]

.

[ariel_917]

My senior thesis was on the case in Tulia, Texas where 46 men and women were sentenced to life sentences with no evidence. I looked at the faces of these victims who, if it had not been for public interest lawyers, would have spent their life behind bars. These victim’s faces that looked so similar to the faces of my loved ones. Many have unsuccessfully attempted to deter me from my choice of field with an argument based on money. However, I am determined to only fight for laws that I stand for.

You said in an above comment you're looking for feedback on content, not writing/structure, so I'll only go with content.

I think it's an okay topic...you could certainly rewrite this in a different structure and focus on how your father inspired you. But honestly, I'm much more interested in your internship with the Southern Legal Counsel. That sounds interesting! How did that shape you? Also a little confused...was the sr thesis related to the internship? Did you actually see these people's faces? If so, write about that! You also say "these victims faces looked so similar to the faces of my loved ones." Is this about your father? If so, that's a stretch. Cut it. Your father hating his career isn't an injustice equal to a life behind bars.

Thanks for the help. Also maybe I should make it more clear that I said that he hated police officer when he was growing up and he became a police officer to fix things.

[mist4bison]

.

[sparty99]

Maybe you should stop wasting people's time. You didn't even have the respect to write a well thought out essay. You wrote some garbage, threw it up against the wall and hoped it would stick. It didn't. Why should we critique your writing any further when you admitted that you didn't even take the time to write a strong essay. Stop being lazy and put some heart into this. Otherwise, enjoy your rejection

Don't know how you got that out of what I said but thanks! Hope I didn't ruin your day too much yikes

You wrote it in 10 minutes at work. Garbage in, garbage out.