Critiques please! Forum

[Anonymous User]

Thank you.
...

[HRomanus]

Don't be hyperbolic about passing a swimming test. Five year old kids (maybe younger?) learn how to swim every day and yet you ascribe "incredible confidence and astonishing willpower" to this "achievement" - even relying on it as inspiration. This would be a fitting PS if your legs were amputated or something actually made swimming difficult.

[Anonymous User]

Thanks for the reply! To show that jumping in the deep end was incredibly difficult and an inspiration, do you think I can emphasize the fears I had of large bodies of water, how my grandfather died while scuba diving, and how in preparation for this swimming test I did not practice in a pool once?

I do have all my limbs, but the fear could have been incapacitating.

[HRomanus]

It's still an iffy topic unless you have a diagnosed phobia. Swimming is just too banal an activity to ascribe this great, meaningful significance. That's my opinion at least. Though, if you tone down your rhetoric it may work. I think I'm getting stuck on how over-the-top you describe it.

[Gefuehlsecht]

I don't know about this one. While this swimming thing might have been a big deal for you, it is just not enough of an issue for the rest of the population. This probably includes the admin person reading this statement. This might sink you.

[HRomanus]

I don't know about this one. While this swimming thing might have been a big deal for you, it is just not enough of an issue for the rest of the population. This probably includes the admin person reading this statement. This might sink you.

[cheesy145]

Start over with a new topic. Like another poster said many 4 year olds, including myself learned to swim in a week so its not exactly worth a whole PS about it. I think your language is very dramatic for what you actually did. I can understand overcoming your fears is a big step for you but unless you personally had a life threatening experience with water before and you detail how you overcame it this topic just looks like I had no clue what the write about do here's this... Also I don't like how each paragraph starts with "I am good at ...." It just sounds like an awkward transition and doesn't speak positively on your writing skills.

Sorry but good luck!!

[Anonymous User]

Thanks guys. Back to the drawing board!