Critiques Welcome! (Polished, Near-Final) Forum

[Anonymous User]

Hi all -- any and all thoughts are welcome.

I've been working on this off and on for awhile but am trying to wrap it up tonight/tomorrow for T15~ apps. It's a difficult subject so I've tried to balance it out (obviously humor is out which sucks) a bit. I know the whole in media res thing is tacky but I think it works here. Anyway, this statement has a lot of personally intrinsic value which means...blind spots, lots of them. Just hoping to weed out any weakness, gauge impressions, all them good stuffs.

Thanks in advance for any feedback. (I've uploaded in pic form because forum formatting really detracts imho)

UPDATED PS ADDED IN LAST POST

[valen]

This reads very well. I actually paused the show I'm watching halfway through the first paragraph because I was so interested. Although it does make me question your age a bit because the subject matter definitely dates you.

[Anonymous User]

This reads very well. I actually paused the show I'm watching halfway through the first paragraph because I was so interested. Although it does make me question your age a bit because the subject matter definitely dates you.

A previous draft tossed in more concrete dates to avoid that, but eventually scrapped it.

I'm 31 (figuring if they care, they'll double check).

Thanks for the feedback.

[GB21]

First off, it's a great ps and you'll get into some good schools if you have the numbers. Feel free to ignore advice if you're set on applying right now.

If you change it, I would be more blunt in the first paragraph about the experiences you're going to talk to about and I would add in something about "the duty passed to you" stuff that you don't get to until the end. I would also shorten it to take out a lot of descriptors and fluff in there (tacky blood/cool water; two paragraphs describing the fight). Depending on where you're applying, you may need to shorten it. I think that's a good thing for you.

The power of your ps is that you've had an experience few else have had and that experience taught you something larger which led you to law school. I think an ideal statement spends less time describing the cross burning and the fight and more time explaining how those experiences led you to law school. Those experiences are powerful enough in their own right, you don't need to take up an entire ps with describing them.

[Anonymous User]

First off, it's a great ps and you'll get into some good schools if you have the numbers. Feel free to ignore advice if you're set on applying right now.

If you change it, I would be more blunt in the first paragraph about the experiences you're going to talk to about and I would add in something about "the duty passed to you" stuff that you don't get to until the end. I would also shorten it to take out a lot of descriptors and fluff in there (tacky blood/cool water; two paragraphs describing the fight). Depending on where you're applying, you may need to shorten it. I think that's a good thing for you.

The power of your ps is that you've had an experience few else have had and that experience taught you something larger which led you to law school. I think an ideal statement spends less time describing the cross burning and the fight and more time explaining how those experiences led you to law school. Those experiences are powerful enough in their own right, you don't need to take up an entire ps with describing them.

This is really good advice, thank you. Working on an alt version, was also puzzling over what to do with the 2 page limit schools so it had to happen anyway. Def. went the descriptive lazy route above, it's so much easier than talking about yourself...

[flomotion]

This is excellent. There's a lot of power in this statement, and your voice definitely shines through.

I don't think you necessarily need to tie it into why you want to go to law school, since I feel like it functions on its own as a powerful statement (and adding a reason for why it makes you want to go to law school might feel contrived). I would actually cut down a bit on the description of your parents and your father's poverty, though. I think it adds an additional dimension of diversity, but it's something I would cut first in order to get to the "meat" of the story earlier.

All in all-- great.

[Emma.]

A little thing, but I found the whole warm/cool/scalding in the second sentence to be a bit much.

[Anonymous User]

Awesome, thanks for the feedback. Making some pretty deep revisions.

[GB21]

First off, it's a great ps and you'll get into some good schools if you have the numbers. Feel free to ignore advice if you're set on applying right now.

If you change it, I would be more blunt in the first paragraph about the experiences you're going to talk to about and I would add in something about "the duty passed to you" stuff that you don't get to until the end. I would also shorten it to take out a lot of descriptors and fluff in there (tacky blood/cool water; two paragraphs describing the fight). Depending on where you're applying, you may need to shorten it. I think that's a good thing for you.

The power of your ps is that you've had an experience few else have had and that experience taught you something larger which led you to law school. I think an ideal statement spends less time describing the cross burning and the fight and more time explaining how those experiences led you to law school. Those experiences are powerful enough in their own right, you don't need to take up an entire ps with describing them.

This is really good advice, thank you. Working on an alt version, was also puzzling over what to do with the 2 page limit schools so it had to happen anyway. Def. went the descriptive lazy route above, it's so much easier than talking about yourself...

I also wrote a ps about an intense experience that few have, but approached it differently. PM me if you want to see it. Again, I wouldn't worry too much about this if you want to submit now. As long as you have the numbers I think you're good.

[iguazu]

A little thing, but I found the whole warm/cool/scalding in the second sentence to be a bit much.

Agree. That (maybe I'm more sensitive than most) kinda made me fearful of what else you were going to describe (and how)

[Anonymous User]

.

[Anonymous User]

Any final thoughts on new meta closing before I submit stuff?

Feels good to me, much less contrived and syrupy, enjoying the abrupt tonal shift, but ijdk how it reads to others.

(thanks again in advance, ya'lls feedback was priceless)

[pkraft1]

"scalding lungs" grammatically makes no sense. I think you mean that the air scalded your lungs. Consider changing "the feel of blood" to "the feeling of blood," although either are correct.

[valen]

"scalding lungs" grammatically makes no sense. I think you mean that the air scalded your lungs. Consider changing "the feel of blood" to "the feeling of blood," although either are correct.

Would you be willing to read through my PS?

[Anonymous User]

"scalding lungs" grammatically makes no sense. I think you mean that the air scalded your lungs. Consider changing "the feel of blood" to "the feeling of blood," although either are correct.

Word. I scrapped some of that entirely. Thanks mate.

[Anonymous User]

"scalding lungs" grammatically makes no sense. I think you mean that the air scalded your lungs. Consider changing "the feel of blood" to "the feeling of blood," although either are correct.

Would you be willing to read through my PS?

I would if it helps?

[valen]

"scalding lungs" grammatically makes no sense. I think you mean that the air scalded your lungs. Consider changing "the feel of blood" to "the feeling of blood," although either are correct.

Would you be willing to read through my PS?

I would if it helps?

sure, the more eyes the better - can you PM me?

[pkraft1]

"scalding lungs" grammatically makes no sense. I think you mean that the air scalded your lungs. Consider changing "the feel of blood" to "the feeling of blood," although either are correct.

Would you be willing to read through my PS?

I would if it helps?

Sorry, I'd love to if I had the time. I am still finishing mine, and mine is no where near completion. If I remember I'll message you for it in the future.

[Anonymous User]

Here's what you gents wrought. Overall it's tighter. Unsure if fully effective, what some might see as an odd tonal shift at the end there. All in all, sure enough that this is what I'm submitting.

I will check in around here on the regular to offer feedback for others. Or, just PM me and happy to look at them.