My Personal Statement Draft -- Please Critique, Thanks! Forum

[jbmullin]

In August 2011 I was sitting in a Fort Sam Houston classroom full of my fellow soldiers. We had all come straight from Basic Training and were now almost halfway through our job training in preventive medicine.
As one of our instructing sergeants asked the class who they though would be the distinguished honor graduate. The only person who mentioned my name said, “Definitely not Mullin.” They all agreed, and I was blown away. They were so sure I was not capable. Definitely not Mullin. I wasn’t really offended, but I realized that how I felt about myself and how I presented myself were totally different. Sitting there I felt like the smartest person in the room, but I presented myself as just an average slacker.
I knew I was capable of being the honor graduate, but it was not important to me; I was content with knowing that I could if I wanted to. And then it hit me: I’ve always been content knowing that I could accomplish great things, but inert potential counts for nothing. I was content skating through high school, undergrad, and life in general knowing that I had the potential to excel. In that moment I decided this time would be different.
I thought my primary satisfaction would be proving them wrong and showing them that I actually am intelligent, but as I was recognized as the honor graduate on graduation day and received the Army Achievement Medal in front of my family and peers, my paradigm shifted. This was the first time I felt the pride of accomplishing something that I had given my best and truly worked hard for, and it provided me a valuable perspective that I have carried forward.
This mentality caused me to seek excellence during my time in the Army. I twice competing and won soldier of the month honors. I worked to master my job skills to the point where I was used to train others. I was called on to work above my pay grade as the supervisor of my section. My proudest accomplishment, however, is earning my MA taking a full time course load while serving full time on active duty. So in the end I am thankful to my classmates who doubted me. They have given me the drive to seek excellence in all I do.

[MikeM-law]

I can't speak for everyone but I like the topic. I would just be careful bc it's a little short and you basically rehash your resume towards the end.

[stoopkid13]

I think the opening anecdote is memorable and your reflections on it come across as sincere and interesting. The PS does a good job giving the reader a glimpse into your mind and personality. Stylistically, the reflections are written very passively, almost as if you are thinking out loud. I feel like it can be condensed significantly but that's your call. Overall, I really like the piece though.

You have some typos that you'll want too look through for also.

[lapata]

This is good, but to make it stronger, you should actually tell us what 'I worked hard' means. You say you decided to change, and in the next sentence you have you honors. See the gap? Tell us what specific changes you made (study habits, working with profs, with peers, reading everything twelve times). What does hard work mean?

[lapata]

Also, it'd be nice if your conclusion called back to your intro - maybe "Who can supervise these people?" "Mullin. Definitely Mullin." Something playing off 'definitely not' would give this a lot more punch.