personal statement... critiques appreciated! Forum

[greveam]

Competition is what drives me. Specifically, competition with myself. I want to end each day a more capable, more knowledgeable, better person than I was at the start. As a result I strive to challenge myself every day. I seek out opportunities for growth and push myself beyond what is easy and comfortable.

I have always wanted to be a lawyer. The first week my freshman year of high school I walked into the classroom of Mr. Taylor, the school’s resident mock trial advisor, and asked when tryouts were going to be held. Nine years of mock trial, five bids to the official national championship tournament, dozens of interviews with lawyers and one internship at a law firm later, I remain convinced that a career in law is what I want. But this is not about what I did because I want to be a lawyer. It is about what I did in spite of it.

I did not want to use my undergraduate time just so that I could get a degree and be on my way to law school. Rather, I wanted to study a subject that not only would interest me, but also would most challenge me. I chose civil engineering. The classes were demanding, the workload intense, and I was not working with my natural strengths, reading, writing and humanities. I worked full-time for four semesters in engineering firms where I was expected to use what I had learned to produce accurate calculations and workable designs. I learned to think differently and was forced to work harder than I ever had before. It was exactly what I wanted.
As I adjusted to engineering I started to seek out new challenges. My junior year I learned about an undergraduate research opportunity. The problem, however, was that it had to be taken as a class and I was already taking the maximum number of credit hours. So, after obtaining permission to take the class, I began my work. My goal was to improve the yield of biodiesel, an alternative renewable energy resource, produced from food waste. I researched the problem, designed an experiment, carried out that same experiment dozens of times and collected the data. I wrote a technical paper and presented my research at a research symposium. Working with biodiesel was not relevant to my degree. I did not receive any academic credit for it. I had never before conducted research and I simply wanted this new experience and knowledge.

My self-imposed competition with life is not limited to academics. I had heard people say it was impossible in this day and age to pay your own way through school; I set out to see if they were right. It was up to me to cover my living expenses and less than ten percent of my tuition was covered by scholarships, so, throughout college I worked. Many weeks my work schedule reached close to full-time. I waited tables, cut grass, acted as a teaching assistant, babysat, and tutored. My work paid off. I graduated from the University of Cincinnati without having to take out a single loan or accept any money from my parents. Maybe I would have had a more enjoyable and less stressful college experience if I had simply taken out loans the whole way, but the humility and perseverance I learned are, to me, more valuable.

I am constantly on the lookout for new learning opportunities, however they are presented. One day my sophomore year of college, I walked past a recruiting booth for the UC Waterski Team. I had never before water skied so I asked if they would teach me. The next summer I was elected the women’s team captain. Another opportunity presented itself two years later when a colleague mentioned that he was looking for a rock climbing partner. I asked if I could learn. Last month I scaled El Cajon, a thirty six hundred foot high mountain. I relish starting a new skill and watching myself improve. These are just two examples.

I knew a long time ago that I wanted to be a lawyer. Maybe it started off as a childhood dream but as I researched the field, participated in competitions and became involved with the actual practice of law, it became my reality. What I did not know for a long time is how I wanted to live my life. I made myself wander, explore, and grow. I am better off for it. Competition is what drives me and it is what I love. I have used that driving force to grow as a person and now I hope to use it to grow as a lawyer.

[MikeM-law]

Start over

[dontdoitkid]

A few pieces of advice:

- Overall it's too broad, it seems like you've done some cool things (civil engineering, the research you did, El Cajon), but it kind of comes off as a resume dump. There's a little too much showing and not enough telling
- I would pick a theme that's more specific and that you can trace. Development of any sort is usually good ("self-imposed competition with life" is too vague imo)
- "Maybe I would have had a more enjoyable and less stressful college experience if I had simply taken out loans the whole way, but the humility and perseverance I learned are, to me, more valuable." I see the point you're making, but I think you could say it in a way that focuses on the process of paying for school instead of at the end result. That might be a good topic - the differences in attitudes/perspectives/work ethic that you gained through self funding, tie that into work ethic, desire to be a lawyer, etc.

[greveam]

Start over

Not helpful at all.... I understand that people might not like the idea, that's why I want critiques. But what is it about it that makes it unsuccessful? The style? The topic? The examples? Just saying "start over" isn't any help.

[MikeM-law]

Start over

Not helpful at all.... I understand that people might not like the idea, that's why I want critiques. But what is it about it that makes it unsuccessful? The style? The topic? The examples? Just saying "start over" isn't any help.

I said start over because there is nothing to salvage. Your overarching theme is how you're competitive. It's law school. Everyone is competitive. Find a topic.

Then you say " I've always wanted to be a lawyer" or whatever you said. Every average/boring PS ever has those words in it somewhere.

Finally, you're all over the place. You talk about your degree then your waterski team. Keep it narrow and specific. This isn't your autobiography. You want to discuss how an event/experience changed your perspective or made you want to go to law school.
Not "I want to be a lawyer bc I'm competitive."

Bottom line, there is nothing in here that would distinguish you from other students. You want to stand out.

Therefore, start over

[cheesy145]

In the nicest way possible I rolled my eyes multiple times throughout this. You sound pretentious and cocky...not good for a PS. The one line about your "self imposed competition with life" or whatever is way over the top. It reads like a resume...pick one of these topics and go into detail about it.

Also the other persons right, being competitive is nothing unusual.

[Gefuehlsecht]

Pick something to talk about. Rock climbing. Water Skiing. Your frugal lifestyle in college. Whatever. Focus. Less is more.

[lapata]

Why does a civil engineering student with original research now want to study law? That's what makes you unique as a candidate (instead of droves of humanities people), so it's what your PS should answer. This will also solve the lack of focus here, which others have already noted.