Personal Statement critique request!! please help. Forum

[lujanj7]

With my briefs, evidence, and copies the CSUN Student Government Constitution and Bylaws in hand, I stood before a council of my peers to argue against invalidating the student election that I had just commissioned. As Nevada Student Affairs Director I was responsible for conducting all student government elections at UNLV. I was no stranger to the CSUN Judicial Council; I had been a Justice for a full semester before my eventual promotion to my position as a director. Still, sitting behind the bench as a Justice was very different from arguing a case before the Council. As a Justice, my job was to interpret the CSUN Constitution and Bylaws, hear and decide cases, and ensure CSUN’s compliance with Nevada Open Meeting Law and parliamentary procedure. Now, as the defendant in a case filed against me and my team, my job was to convince them that the product of all my hard work was conducted constitutionally.

My experience on the Council fueled my long-standing desire to practice law; the administration of justice through a system of spelled out rules and procedures was something I could wrap my head around, and I thrived there. I enjoyed the challenge of interpreting our founding documents to come to a solution for conflicting parties. Throughout my tenure as a Justice, the Council heard nearly a dozen election-related cases; I quickly realized that the election rules were inherently flawed, so I sought to fix them. Of course, as a Justice I could help set precedent for future cases, but those efforts didn’t quite reach the root of the problem: the laws themselves.

When I became Nevada Student Affairs Director, I worked to streamline the once convoluted process by drafting a new set of election rules, and prepared for months to execute the highly competitive, campus-wide senate election. Unfortunately, after what many officers in my administration considered to be a flawlessly run election, some candidates from the losing ticket brought alleged that the election had been conducted in violation of some of our bylaws. These accusations made the front page of the school newspaper after a case for invalidation was filed. With the fear of failure in the back of my mind and scrutiny from my peers tugging at my nerves, I pushed ahead. I was determined to stay and fight for my years of hard work; after all, my goal throughout my entire tenure in CSUN was to improve the efficiency, fairness, and democratic process of CSUN elections. The election of paid CSUN officers affects all 24,000 undergraduate students at UNLV, and the unresolved problems of the way past elections were conducted not only wasted the student body’s time, but a portion of its tuition money as well— each day that the new senate couldn’t be seated due to ongoing disputes was another day the senate wasn’t working to allocate CSUN’s $1.2 million budget on behalf of students.

I resented that my election’s validity was called into question after all the work my team and I had done to improve not only the clarity of the rules that the candidates agreed to follow, but also to better market the election to students and make voting easier and more accessible. Still, I reminded myself that I had done everything in my power to comply with every Constitutional provision on the books, and that this case for invalidation was unfounded. I was confident in my work, and after days of preparation, I argued my case. After the hearing, the rightful winners of my election were seated. My preparation and perseverance paid off. Though there was still room for improvement in the elections department at the end of my term, many of the processes I engineered are still used in CSUN today, and I am proud that I was able to make such an impact on the organization that I devoted myself to for nearly three years.

The experience of helping others and improving the way government operates through the judicial process is what has inspired me to study and practice law. I am dedicated to making change in any community that I am a part of, and law is the means by which I hope to accomplish these sorts of positive change throughout my career.

[dontdoitkid]

1. The first paragraph comes off as a little passive to me, but the tone in the rest of the paragraphs is better.
2. Don't you hate election challenges like that? Happened at my university as well.
3. The last paragraph seems like an afterthought. It should conclude what you've already been trying to say, but it sounds like it's tacked on. Insert those ideas (but not in the way you've written it now) throughout your essay instead of at the end, and use your ending paragraph to conclude everything you've discussed, instead of sneaking in another idea.

[lujanj7]

1. The first paragraph comes off as a little passive to me, but the tone in the rest of the paragraphs is better.
2. Don't you hate election challenges like that? Happened at my university as well.
3. The last paragraph seems like an afterthought. It should conclude what you've already been trying to say, but it sounds like it's tacked on. Insert those ideas (but not in the way you've written it now) throughout your essay instead of at the end, and use your ending paragraph to conclude everything you've discussed, instead of sneaking in another idea.

I totally do hate election drama. It was the actual worst. I almost resigned due to all the negative press I was getting, as well as harassment on social media. I agree about the last paragraph. I just need a way to close out the essay. I am having a hard time with the conclusion. :/

[dontdoitkid]

1. The first paragraph comes off as a little passive to me, but the tone in the rest of the paragraphs is better.
2. Don't you hate election challenges like that? Happened at my university as well.
3. The last paragraph seems like an afterthought. It should conclude what you've already been trying to say, but it sounds like it's tacked on. Insert those ideas (but not in the way you've written it now) throughout your essay instead of at the end, and use your ending paragraph to conclude everything you've discussed, instead of sneaking in another idea.

I totally do hate election drama. It was the actual worst. I almost resigned due to all the negative press I was getting, as well as harassment on social media. I agree about the last paragraph. I just need a way to close out the essay. I am having a hard time with the conclusion. :/

Think of it like any other essay or RC passage you did for college or for the LSAT. It'll be much stronger if you build your case overtime, reinforcing your main argument over time, which is "The experience of helping others and improving the way government operates through the judicial process is what has inspired me to study and practice law. I am dedicated to making change in any community that I am a part of, and law is the means by which I hope to accomplish these sorts of positive change throughout my career." I would maybe open with this in the second or third sentence (after retooling the sentence structure a bit to make sure it flows well).

To me it looks like you have two good things going - a great, easy to read and vivid short story, and the argument at the end. If you can weave them together it'll be much stronger.

[Gefuehlsecht]

I don't see the connection between wanting to study law and help people and this story you're telling me about your participation in student government.
Furthermore, and I happily admit that this might be a pet peeve of mine, I am not a fan of pre-law students waxing poetic about how they argue cases and handle briefs and evidence.