Personal Statement critique!!!-- Boston College Forum

[lujanj7]

PLEASE CRITIQUE!!! MUCH APPRECIATED



My high school government class inspired me to study law; I was fascinated by the intricacies of the American Judicial System and the U.S. Constitution. To realize this goal, I began pursuing my bachelor’s degree in political science in 2010, and in the summer of 2011 I joined UNLV CSUN Student Government’s Judicial Council— a body of nine undergraduate students who are responsible for interpreting the CSUN Constitution and bylaws and ensuring compliance with parliamentary procedure and Nevada Open Meeting Law within the organization. As a Justice I heard cases, sat in deliberations, and delivered opinions on behalf of the Council. I thrived there, and this experience further fueled my desire to practice law.

Throughout my tenure as a Justice, the Council heard nearly a dozen election-related cases; I quickly realized that the election rules were inherently flawed, so I sought to fix them. I worked my way up through various positions, and a year later I became CSUN’s Nevada Student Affairs Director-- the director responsible for executing all CSUN elections. I worked to streamline the once convoluted process, and prepared for months to execute the highly competitive, campus-wide senate election.

Unfortunately, after what many officers in my administration considered to be a flawlessly run election, some candidates from the losing ticket brought allegations against me that the election had been conducted in violation of some of our bylaws. These accusations made the front page of the school newspaper as cases were filed with the Judicial Council to invalidate my election. With the fear of potential failure in the back of my mind and immense scrutiny from my peers tugging at my nerves, I pushed ahead. I went from sitting behind the bench as a Justice to pleading my case before the members of the Council.

In the several days before the case was heard, I poured over the precedent from previous Judicial Council cases in order to prepare my argument. I was certain that my election was conducted constitutionally in all respects, and I was determined to stay and fight for my years of hard work. After the hearing, the rightful winners of my election were seated. My preparation and perseverance paid off. The experience of arguing that case before a Council of my peers was exhilarating, and it was because of my time in student government that I now aspire to the bench. I now plan to study Constitutional law and practice as an attorney before ultimately pursuing a judgeship.

As a first-generation college student, I am acutely aware of the opportunities that going to law school presents. It is my goal to travel outside my home state of Nevada, where I was born and where I’ve lived my entire life. I visited Boston this October, and during my stay I toured Boston College School of Law. The welcoming environment, the abundant resources and student organizations available to its law students, and the beautiful, sprawling campus already feel like home. I hope to become a part of the community at Boston College, and to contribute as much as I can not only while I am a student there, but throughout the entirety of my career. I believe the programs of study at Boston College complement my career goals, and I know that my experience and desire to succeed will help me excel at your institution.

[$alty]

I think you've got a decent start here. I'd trim as much of the constitution references as possible and describe more of your story. Particularly, "I now plan to study Constitutional law and practice as an attorney before ultimately pursuing a judgeship" seemed off. Obviously you plan to practice as an attorney, and being a judge is really far off at this point, but maybe I'm wrong. I also don't see your last paragraph adding anything. I'd cut it entirely and focus more on your story, or alternatively, find more specific things to say so it doesn't look like you're just find/replacing the school name.

If you think the first generation college student part tells a different story, express it in a diversity statement, don't just drop a line into your PS.