Personal Statement Critique Forum

[Anonymous User]

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[Anonymous User]

Original anon here. Anyone want to swap statements? Just post below (possibly with some comments on mine! haha), and I'll be more than happy to read yours as well.

Thanks!

[sparty99]

I did not like this essay, especially the first paragraph. It is unlikely that you would remember such a vivid "non earth shattering" moment when you were five. You do a lot of "telling."

I don't get the sense that you are a leader. You had a leadership position, but your story doesn't convey "leader." You said you experienced challenges in your personal life, including at home and at school. But you give a superficial description, never discussing what these were.

You said you were pushed past your comfort zone, but provide no example as to how that was true. You are giving "buzz words." What you did doesn't even sound like a big deal. Interacting with the homeless is far from challenging. This sounds like a one time event.

The point of a personal statement is to give the reader an understanding of you. Yes, perhaps, law school wants leaders. But they don't want people to simply say they are leaders. You must show them through your writing. You picked a single event to exemplify your leadership skills. This will not get the job done.

You did not make me believe that you are a true leader. You should focus less on trying to show the admissions committee that you are leader just because you had a leadership position in a frat. I will know you are a leader by reading what you have done. I would take a step back and think about why you want to go to law school. I get the impression that you have little experience and are a K-JD candidate. Why are you interested in a law degree? What have you done that makes me think you can benefit from a degree or that you are a leader? What interests you? I challenge you to think more about your background. Read other examples of admissions essays not just for law school, but MBA or other graduate programs. Perhaps read "How to Get into a top MBA program." They have several essays. These essays are usually more specific and perhaps you can steal one of those topics and write about that. Your essay in its current form is too superficial. After reading your essay, I want to feel that I know you.

[Anonymous User]

Thanks for the feedback, Sparty. Definitely will retool / rewrite the essay with your comments in mind.

I did not like this essay, especially the first paragraph. It is unlikely that you would remember such a vivid "non earth shattering" moment when you were five. You do a lot of "telling."

I remember the event so vividly because I listened to the story non-stop for the next few years; I had trouble sleeping as a kid and I used to listen to the story over and over so that I could fall asleep more easily. Should I mention something along these lines so that the story is more believable? It's definitely true, so I don't want it to appear as if I'm lying or making thing up.

You should focus less on trying to show the admissions committee that you are leader just because you had a leadership position in a frat.

Definitely see the larger point here, but the position was in a national non-profit not a frat. Where does that come across in the essay?

[sparty99]

"As one of five leaders of the *** chapter at *** University"

[Anonymous User]

"As one of five leaders of the *** chapter at *** University"

Ah, I see now. Shouldn't be a problem in the non-redacted version of the essay.

Any thoughts on the audio-book story given what I said above?

Thanks again, by the way. You read quite a few of these a day, and your advice is really appreciated.