In dire need of feedback on my statement for my top choice Forum

[RationalHeretic23]

Removed

[Skool]

I don't know OP. I just don't know.

It sounds like you admitted to being somewhat directionless and un enthused for the first part of college, which is something I wouldn't mention because it raises red flags for an ad com.

OP, I think there is a lot of B.S. In this essay. The thing to keep in mind is that there are a lot of really competent and qualified people who want to go to law school to effect social change. You haven't expressed what in your experience indicates that you will be an effective change agent. You haven't even convinced me that you're a true believer. You sound like a pretty well off guy who went to Africa a few summers and is trying to redeem the experience for admissions points. I don't think you're really on the same level as the top level public interest candidates. This essay is kind of like a freshman going up to the varsity coach and asking to be in the big game; you're just not there yet. And moreover, you don't look good in the attempt.

Your first paragraph is too abstract. It sounds like a life coach motivational self help book thing. Really need to clean that up. It's long and very boring.

The discussion of Africa is not good, as I said already. It seems to amount to: in Africa education can change lives. It can also change lives in America to. I can be an instrument in change too. I want to change lives and I'm curious and love learning. I will go to law school. I will study... Consumer protection? The thematic connection between what you saw policywise in Africa and what your goals are just isn't there. If Africa was so impactful, why didn't it impact the kinds of issues you want to work on? Nobody has to go to law school knowing what they want to do exactly, but your statement has to present yourself as a cohesive interesting person. You sound a little bit like an aimless dilettante.

I would drop the public service angle because it's so unbelievable. Can you write about research you've done? Projects you've managed? Obstacles in your life? Risks you've taken? A time you failed?

Throughout my several trips to Uganda over the years, it became increasingly apparent that the benefits offered by education are unrivaled in their ability to facilitate the improvement of Ugandan society.

there must be a better way to write this.

[MikeM-law]

It's a great topic but needs to be reworked. The first paragraph is just trying to show off your vocabulary. At the point u probably already lost the person reading it. Don't write it like you are A SC justice writing an opinion. Admissions officers find it pretentious. Keep the topic for sure but lose some of the flowery language and scrap the first paragraph. You need to write a first sentence that hooks the reader like "I never thought my inspiration for law school would result from time in uganda" - obviously not that it's just off the top of my head but u get the idea.. But scrap that first paragraph entirely . It's like saying "I'm smart"- u want to sell yourself to the school. Your gpa/ lsat will speak yo your I intelligence

[Skool]

I'm surprised to hear the above poster likes the topic so much. I'm curious to hear other people's opinion.

I would think adcoms get at least 5 "privileged person in Africa and subsequently inspired essays" every day (although regulatory law/consumer protection as a result of the trip is a new twist).

The topic is really I'm smart and curious and I want to serve. The foundation for this is a trip to Africa that doesn't include much substance (could you at least give the Ugandan who changed your thinking a name? That might help me believe this more and make this a little more human and less cerebral). Also, you don't spend much time discussing what you saw in Africa or what you saw in America that inspired you to serve here (as opposed to Uganda). Showing where you empathize and why might also make this more believable.

[A. Nony Mouse]

I think the biggest problem with this is that you're essentially saying, "I was privileged, I went somewhere and heard a less privileged guy's story, and it showed me how important education was." Apart from the sort of "underprivileged people exist to give me epiphanies" aspect of this (note: OP, I'm not saying you think this, just that this is how such PSes frequently come across), that's an extremely passive kind of PS. It tells us less about you than about the guy in Uganda (and honestly, it doesn't tell us much about him). Besides, if you decided education was so important, why are you working in law and not in education? It's also a lot about your goals and what you plan to do, rather than what you've already done that makes you you. Your trip to Uganda could be a good basis for a PS, but it would need to be detailed and about what you did.

Language-wise, this is extremely convoluted, with a lot of unnecessary words. For instance, here's my revision of your first paragraph:

Choosing a career is hard because it affects your happiness throughout your whole life. It's also important to me to choose a career consistent with my idea of a meaningful life. But what is a meaningful life? Some find meaning simply through living, but I must do more. I figured out that I had to go to law school from an encounter with an orphaned Ugandan student.

I also did a little editing on the rest, but gave up before the end.

At the onset of my time inWhen I started university, I adopted a set of priorities that closely conformed to those of the many peers around me. While I unquestionably enjoyed my academic studies during this time, I had not yet developed the my currentpassion for education present in my life today. This neglect of my intellectual potential soon waned, however This passion took root during followingthe summer after my freshman year. During this summer, when I spent several weeks with a non-profit organization whose objective is to provide education and healthcare to rural areas in Uganda. Although I left for Africa proud of my desire to give, I returned humble, thankful of what I had received.
Throughout my time in Africa I encountered many Ugandan students who articulated the innumerableexplained/told me about the difficulties they have faced in obtaining an adequate education. While my contact with each of these Ugandans was certainly meaningful, my association with one particular individual remains unmatched in its impactOne young man in particular had a significant effect on me. Upon my initial arrival to Uganda, I befriended aThis young man who conveyeddescribed his heart-breaking life story as well asand his aspirations for the future. This man described in detail, as well as the extreme lengths to which he had gone in order to receive a proper education, a tale that elicited an intense feeling of guilt within the depths of my conscienceI came away from the conversation feeling guilty. Prior toBefore my conversation with this student, I had taken my unrestricted access to education for granted, having never truly realized the value of the advantageous position into which I was bornadvantages I had. I witnessed an ineffable sense of fervor overcomethis student's fervor as he explained his yearning to become educated in medicine so that he could serve the people of his country.

You don't need to use nearly this many words.

[RCSOB657]

I can't tell you anything more than the above folks, but this may help you as you rethink this as they suggest.

https://msulaw.adobeconnect.com/p2wyw0r ... ode=normal