Critique Please Forum

[Anonymous User]

redacted.

[Tuxedo]

The topic here is great but I think you're covering up a compelling story with lots of detail about things like thought processes that don't really have relevance to the unstated thesis of every personal statement, which is "YOU WILL ADMIT ME TO YOUR LAW SCHOOL, DAMMIT."

1) Your proudest achievement is buried in the fourth paragraph. You should be using that to hook your reader in the first paragraph and developing it into a story.

2) Lots of detail on urban planning and your church. Lose some of the detail that is going to bore your reader.

3) Include more about law school, which seems like an afterthought. If you're being effective in helping marginalized people with your church and grad school is helping you, why go to law school?

Hope that helps. The material of this PS seems good. Just refashion it into a persuasive and compelling argument/narrative.

[Anonymous User]

Thanks. This is some really good input. I felt like I was on the right track topic-wise, but have been feeling pretty unhappy with house this came out, without much feel for where to start changing it. Will incorporate these suggestions and try again.

[Anonymous User]

Double post.

[Tuxedo]

Feel free to PM if you need more feedback.