PS Draft Critique Forum

[orab]

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[AnonymousAlterEgoC]

One of my very first memories takes place in a court room.

I'm asleep already. One of your "VERY" (kill that vague word and never use it again) first memories takes place in a court[]room? Courtroom. I think this is a terrible first line.

It was an average court setting; the defendant on the stand with the judge to his right and both attorneys facing him from his left and right.

"Average"? That really bothers me. Have you been in enough courtrooms to know what is average? Do you realize how many different types of courtrooms there are?

I don’t remember much of the details of this event, but several aspects have stayed with me. For one, the defendant was my father, so I would remember that.

Your first sentence needs to include: One of my first memories was seeing my father as a defendant...

Delete the rest

Yet another was my father’s attorney’s passion in defending the case. However, after that it was all smiles; my parents and the defensive attorney were celebrating about something.

Now the attorney is defensive?

It was only years later that I would find out all the pertinent details about what happened. The trial was not a criminal one; it was a hearing in order to determine my parents right to stay in the country.

I'm shocked. This could actually be a good PS topic. You're just presenting it poorly. You should indicate in your first sentence that it's an immigration hearing (if it is, anyway). No need to hide the ball here.

They had won, in no small part due to the attorney’s ardor throughout the hearing. Her emotion and earnestness as told to me by parents gave me my first inkling of interest in the law. It showed that the law was integral in defending the rights of those who aren’t defended. It was perhaps the start of my path towards the law, which would include volunteer work, and internships that would lead me here, applying to XXXXXX. Yet in the short term It also gave me motivation in helping people with problems’ similar to those my parents faced, which I would do by volunteering in various organizations.
When I heard about the details of the immigration hearing, I was inspired to one day do something similar for my career. But being only a freshman in high school, I didn’t know where to start. The opportunity would come eventually, when I later transferred from to a dual enrollment program. In the College, there was a place called the language lab, which gave out ESOL (English as a second language) courses

I think you mean ESL. There's no O in there. Your PS stopped sucking so I stopped insta quoting. I see you've used ESOL several times. I have done ESL work. I have not heard of ESOL.

to many recently arrived people who had no English background. Seeing a place where I could make a difference, I decided to sign up. In the Language Lab, I helped people in various ways. Perhaps the most notable work I did is tutoring ESOL students in an unofficial capacity; I wasn’t the official tutor but I did help them with their assignments whenever I could. It helped me connect more with the type of people I hope to aid with knowledge of the law, as many they were migrants.

Grammar in last sentence

But it was my time at the University of xxxxx that really sparked my interests with the law itself, albeit with a different branch of the law.

Style: sparked your interests with the law itself vs. sparked your interest with the law

With college in my sights,

You threw me off here because the last sentence refers to your time at college. Pretty sure you mean you were in college and HS at the same time; I was still thrown off for a moment. I would revise to make clearer to people reading tons of PSs.

I had a better idea of what I wanted to do with my life than in high school. I knew for a fact that I wanted something to do with the law, but I didn’t really know much about what the law entailed. I didn’t know about any of the branches, didn’t know anything about case law. In my course load, I learned concepts of International Relations, Comparative Politics, even the policies of specific organizations such as the CIA. All of them have contributed to my development. Perhaps my first real exposure to one branch of the law was my time in an International Law Course last spring. In that course, I learned of how the international law is made of agreements between groups in organization such as the UN, as well as other groups such as CEDAW (Convention to End Discrimination Against Women) and how documents such as the Universal Declaration of Human Rights play a role in tribunals. It was an interesting course, and gave me interest in the field of International Law. The more I learned about how the law helped discriminated women and other groups,

-Don't capitalize International Law unless it's a proper noun like The George Bush Society of International Law

-"Discriminated women" sounds funky. I don't think it means what you intend it to mean. I don't even know what it means though so yeah

the more I wanted to emulate what I learned. But perhaps another law course that played a bigger role in my interest was the Administrative Law course last fall. In that particular course, I learned just how important statutes are how, and the process in which they are formed. I learned about how much of an influence the laws, specifically those passed by agencies and the bureaucracy, can affect people’s lives, and the importance of needing to know the relevant case law. Thanks to this course, I was resolute in wanting to practice law; to use my knowledge and expertise when people are caught by legal problems.

Don't capitalize Admin Law. administrative law

The semicolon in the last sentence connects an independent clause and a dependent clause. That is an improper semicolon. Semicolons connect complete sentences (two independent clauses).

With my want to practice law determined,

Just now? Damn, I feel like I've read a life story in which you seemed pretty committed

I then looked into volunteer positions that would give me an inside look at how the law is practiced.

Already caught a reference to this earlier am disturbed by your organization

Over the summer and fall, I participated in two organizations that showed me different branches of the law. One would be at Catholic Legal Services of XXXXX. There, I assisted unaccompanied migrant children in filling out intakes, and sometimes simply getting them from place to place. I observed the volunteering attorney’s speak up for the minors at the Immigration court; it showed me that lawyers can and do put their talents to help the community. That was not all I did; I called migrant families and informed them of different opportunities where they could link up with lawyers that could represent them. It showed me that there are people that really do have a need of legal representation for something that could change their lives, like visa applications and hearings, and it made me want to one day give that representation. Another location I was at, as an intern, was at the State Attorney’s Office. I frequently went and sat in a variety of cases, from misdemeanors and probation violations, to first degree murder charges. The courtroom procedure itself of objections and cross examination was interesting, but I was more interested in the underlying idea of it all. The trial, in my mind served two purposes; one was to search for the truth. The other was bringing justice to people who needed it, for victims who wanted but couldn’t ask for it because of the trauma…or who were unable to. But, watching the interplay between the defense and the prosecution made me think of another form of justice that could be served; that of the defendant. The defense attorneys were many times on point when they felt the right of their clients was being violated by a prosecutorial order. There were two groups, the victim and the defendant, that needed justice, and I would hope in my legal career to be able to serve both.
Throughout my life, I’ve been exposed to the law many times, from childhood to now. Each successive encounter has only increased my want to practice the law, as well as defend anyone who doesn’t know the law, or not well enough. Even those experiences which had nothing to do with the law either increased my want to know more about it or help those in circumstances worse than mine. Thus, I think entering law school would make me best suited to carry this out, and prepare me enough so I could do this.

It got really boring, no offense. I read it, but I don't feel like commenting on your resume. A PS is not a resume. You've done several terrible things here, but I think you may have a PS in there somewhere. I would hone your focus to more specific things. If you want to mention immigration court (and if that's where your father was), then mention it and mention your time at it later and make connections and stuff. Don't feed me your resume chronologically and tell me "I've always been interested in law" and later "Then I decided law was for me."

Who cares about your dual enrollment program in college? Your instinct is off. You need to venture out and read model personal statements. People don't recreate resumes. That's not the aim here. One of the general rules of a PS: avoid anything before college. You can break that rule for good reason. Ugh, resume.