Personal Statement- first draft. Forum

[kwabbs]

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[kwabbs]

bump.. would really love some input! good or bad please!

[jepper]

since you haven't gotten any feedback... I will say one thing. The whole "divorce couples" line sounds terrible. Especially trying to tie that in with having a positive impact on society. Although I definitely understand and can see many instances when a divorce may be the only possible solution, I don't think saying that "you want to divorce" people is going to send any positive vibes.. if ya know what I mean..

[McAvoy]

Picture a beautiful September day on Coronado beach. The weather, a perfect 80 degrees, the sun reflecting off the warm Pacific Ocean almost blinding, and the wind is blowing so slightly that you are getting whiffs of the bar-b-que cooking on the patio of the historical Hotel Del Coronado. Just beyond that, an early fall wedding is being set up on the sandy beach with fresh sunflowers adorning the white wicker chairs. Now, look to the left just a little. See that girl? Yes her, the one wearing her nicest black slacks on her hands and knees digging in the sand. Well, that girl is me, and I wasn’t digging in the sand for fun. Instead, I was getting real life experience for my hospitality major. In other words, digging sand and placing it on a table to make the escort card table “cute.” It was in this exact moment that I realized I wanted to do something more than plan someone’s special day.
When asked what I would like to do with my life, I’ve always said “either divorce couples, or plan their weddings.” I’ve got a sharp eye for detail and killer organization skills, which I feel like are great attributes for a lawyer or an event planner. I decided to pursue wedding planning knowing that I could always attend law school even with a degree in hospitality. The program at my school offered great opportunities for us to get out there and see if we really enjoyed planning weddings. And this is where we go back to Coronado Beach.
After digging through the sand, and placing the name cards perfectly between different shells on the table, I realized that I needed more of a challenge and felt like I needed to have a bigger impact on society. Though event planning is great for some people, I learned that day that it was not enough for me. I have always been a straight A student, challenging myself in high school by taking multiple advanced placement classes while working and being the captain of the Varsity cheerleading team and even in college working 30+ hours a week while taking 7 classes each semester along with participating in multiple student associations. Because of my drive for more, I felt like planning weddings wouldn’t actually make me happy.
Though they are opposite majors, I still feel that my undergrad education has prepared me for law school. I am now a stronger leader after countless leadership simulations and group projects where I have been selected among my peers to lead the projects. I have also developed a tough layer of skin after years of experience in the hotel and restaurant industry, which is absolutely crucial not only in law school but also in family law as well. Finally, I have perfected my time management skills after working while going to school and now feel more than ready to attend law school and succeed.
I want a career that I am passionate about, something that I know I am good at and will be able to impact others in a positive way. For me personally, I know that the answer to what I would like to do with my life is certainly law. Law is so much more than planning someone’s special day. It is saving someone’s life. It is about making the world a better place for our future. It is allowing children to grow up in a safe home and community. Most of all, law is a challenge, and it is a challenge that I am eager to face with the help of (law school).

I think you need to scrap this, go read the Berkeley blogs and what not on writing a solid statement, reflect deeply on why you actually want to attend law school, then try again. If you accept that and do not want specific (perhaps harsh) criticism, do not continue reading this.

I really disliked this. It doesn't paint you in a positive light. In fact, it makes you sound really immature and makes clear that law school has been your back up plan in life, and that you do not have any good reason for it to be your backup plan. The reasons you say you want to become a lawyer are borderline laughable. It makes me think you have done almost no research on the profession, that you have met few actual attorneys who have explained their practices to you/let you shadow them, and that your idea of the profession (and perhaps your reasons for wanting to join it) are based on what you've seen in the media. Even if these things are not true, the way you describe your intentions and your motivations gives me that idea of you.

The general rule is that your PS will not get you accepted, but it will get you dinged if it sucks or makes you look childish or entitled or stupid or careless. I would ding you for this statement if you were not an auto admit.

Find something else to write about or find a way to reframe what you're trying to say here. Good luck.

[kwabbs]

Thank you and I appreciate the feedback.. On a google search for the blogs you mentioned and am having no luck.. I wasn't 100% sold on this topic because I do see what you mean as it being a "backup" plan.. going to scratch the idea and come up with something new.